Faith

I have had the below blog post written since June 22^nd 2012. It never felt like the right time for me to post it. It always felt intimate, personal, and even a bit concerning that it wouldn’t be taken the way it was intended. But recently I have read it, many times over, and keep having a sense that I should share it. My prayer is that it is the Spirit tugging and that it will be well received. I planned to save it for Faith’s birthday but thought that might be too difficult of a time.

 So to my dear friends, you three are thought of often, and Faiths life, although brief has touched my heart and my life forever. I pray this is somewhat of a blessing to you…from my heart to yours...

My blogs are usually silly. Random ramblings from me. But not today. Today it’s much more focused. It’s focused on two very special people. Two people who experienced something that they never should have to. The loss of their precious daughter Faith.

And so my heart is weary and sad. For them, not for Faith, as she gets to rest in the arms of our perfect Savior. But for the mommy and daddy who have to endure until the day they meet their Faith again. And so as their friend I hurt and cry for them. For the loss they experience. But am rejoicing in the comfort they have.  And so to them I’d like to share what their beautiful Faith has reminded me. How her beautiful life has touched mine…

Faith reminded me to trust. To Trust in my Savior, to trust in my faith, to trust in Him, even when my thoughts and heart may question “Why?”.

She has reminded me to believe that God’s plan always is sovereign.  There is something so very comforting in knowing that despite MY plans, God’s plan is always right, always for me, and always for Good. No.matter.what. I can rest in that fact. And I can believe that no matter what I go through the same God that comforts my dear friends, will comfort me. The same God who directs their steps, will direct mine.  The same Lord that is cuddling little Faith, will know my heart for things far less trivial or important and ache with me. I love that.

Faith has reminded me to surround  myself with people who will point me to the cross for all things.  It could be so easy to lose heart and lose faith and feel so alone. But with friends who will lift me to the throne of God in prayer, the comfort of that is unreal.  The comfort of knowing that I don’t even have to ask, and there would be people who would fast and intercede on another believer’s behalf is so special. What a precious thing to see the out pour of love and support between believers.

So to those very special parents. Your beautiful Faith has been such a reminder to me.  In a few short days, her life has already done so very much.  She has planted seeds of Christ’s love in so many hearts. I can only imagine what a proud mommy and daddy you must be.

Lesson Learned.

Confession:  I learned a valuable mommy lesson.

The other day I had walked to the Strong Museum of play to grab a sub for lunch from Subway. It was sunny, and a nice day to waddle myself the 2 blocks. I had every intention of walking back and eating at my desk but after ordering my Italian BMT sub, i was tired (ofcourse), so I found a table in the extremely empty cafeteria there and started to eat. A few minutes later my sister called and we were chatting about baby stuff while I ate. No more than 5 mins later a frazzled mom pushing her jam packed stroller comes by, with scream-crying child in tow, along with her friend and her son, and wouldn’t you know they pick the table DIRECTLY in front of me. Not off to the side, not a table away, not on the other side of the empty cafeteria. Nope. Directly in front of me. Oh Lord. The one friend drops off her son and goes up to put in her order while the frazzled mom is trying to console her extremely LOUD child (with no consideration to the fact that A. I was here first or B. I was on my phone). And what happens when a child is crying so hard and screaming and mucus filled??! That’s right, they start gagging, then puking. This child was no different. As I sat there on my phone, attempting to eat my lunch and chat with my sister, I was forced to watch a 2 year old puke a mixture of phlem and juice up into the moms hand, all over the chair and onto the floor. Gross. So. Gross. I should have been more compassionate, I should have been more understanding (we have all been there, right?), I should have been like “whatever”. But it bugged me! Not once did she turn to me and apologize that I had to witness that during my lunch, not once was there any consideration that I was there first, eating, and clearly chatting on my phone. Nothing, not even an apologetic look. And with that I learned a valuable lesson. I should be far more considerate of those around me when my child is acting up. I should be more considerate that there are people who might be out, enjoying a relaxing, child free time and shouldn’t have to listen to my child being difficult. I should be more considerate to pick seating when my child is being naughty as FAR away from people as possible. Lesson.Learned. I should be more considerate.

My Pregnancy Blessings...for Lauren

Dear Future Pregnant Lor,

Per your request, I thought I would counter my prior post, with a more positive post about pregnancy and address it to you, dear friend, for when you are pregnant. So that you may read this and smile at the joys of what’s to come J

Since you are stunning now, I can only imagine, how gorgeous you are going to be and feel with the recommended 30lb (minimum) weight gain. You’ll have that natural glow about you and that blossoming belly will just be begging to be lovingly touched by all the well-meaning passerby’s. But how wonderful it will be, as that belly will work as an instant conversation starter! You will be inundated with “when are you due?”, “do you know the sex?”, “How much longer?” A gentle reminder that you have many days left on this beautiful journey to enjoy! It also aids in making friends wherever you go. It’s such a blessing! It will be these same new friends, at the office, at a party, out and about, that will remind you that you get to eat for two, so to be sure and pile that food onto your plate or grab an additional helping. The baby needs it. And lucky for you, you won’t have to worry about a tightening waist line as you will get to wear stretch pants!!! I am so thankful for comfortable stretch pants. I am especially thankful for trends that promote the wearing of stretch pants without the need to wear something that covers your lady parts. In pregnancy you can wear leggings as PANTS and nobody says anything. It really is awesome.

You will also be invited to partake in any and every “free” food event at work. It’s fantastic. Free donuts? Don’t forget to offer a few to Lauren. Free subs? Make sure Lauren gets a few pieces. Someone ordered pizza? Take a slice or two up to Lauren, she’d love that! Oh and don’t forget about those cravings you get to indulge in! No one bats an eyelash when you polish off a full box of cereal alone, smile and say “the baby was hungry” with a chuckle. People instantly nod along with you and tell you its okay, baby needs to eat.

And let’s not forget the blessings of naming your child. Joyously flipping through lists among lists of names and being sure to weed out anything that might remind you or your spouse of a less than godly individual or a saddle your child with a name that doesn’t promote bible prosperity and a positive future. Such prayers of thanksgiving are said when you land upon that name, because everyone will love it and everyone will have such positive and non-opinionated or passive ideals about the creative name, middle name and nicknames you have chosen for your newborn.

And most importantly let’s not forget how amazing you will feel!! Knowing that within your being, you are responsible for the health and wellness of this tiny life. You’ll work out, and eat well, and be appreciative of every kick and nudge, wiggle and roll of that active babe in your womb. Even at 3am in the morning, and especially when it reminds you to awaken and empty your bladder! (It’s a great thing they remind us, so that we avoid the embarrassment of wetting the bed!)

And finally, because you are so stunning and you married a good looking gent, you will have rockin’ model children. With lots of your dark hair (so all that heartburn will be so worth it!) and your fantastic green eyes. And because of all these wonderful pregnancy blessings and benefits and how amazingly pretty your children will be, you will have not 1 but 2, 3 maybe 4 babies, that you will puuuuush through your lady parts. But have no fear, the doctor will treat you well and leave “Ryans playground” stitched up well and not like a demolition crew came through.

I pray that you never forget these wonderful blessings!

Your BFF,

-Kim

#soblessed #sothankful #thisistotallytongueincheek #sarcastic #cantwaittilyouareexpecting

A note to myself...from myself...

Dear NonPregnant Kimi,

One day, you are going to get the “itch”. You are going to look around and see pregnant woman and little babies in abundance, and you are going to want to be them and have another one. So this is my reminder to you, to be content with your 2. Because as I will easily point out, you are NOT a pleasant pregnant person…

There are some things you can endure, gracefully, but pregnancy is not one of them. You constantly find you need to keep yourself in check, often, to keep from being a massive Debbie downer. Considering what a blessing pregnancy is and the struggle many people have to either conceive or carry a baby, you should probably keep your mouth shut far more often. Right? Well in the effort to be honest and keep things real (Live without pretending, right??) you won’t and you dont. Why? Well because pregnancy for some (like you) is really hard, really uncomfortable and really a difficult 9 month journey. One in which you know that you don’t handle well. And if you keep your yap shut, not only will you end up feeling alone in your frustrations (thus alienating yourself and assisting in a fast downward spiral to depression), but it was always your hope there might be another pregnant soul out there who can relate and remind you that “this too shall pass”. While you are one who LOVES the end result (what’s not to love about a cute cuddly bundle of you and Alfie goodness??), you really really struggle with the journey to get there. Like really REALLY struggle. For you, it’s a means to an end. It’s not a journey you particularly love. And I know you feel bad saying that, but if we are honest with yourself and others, you do not enjoy being pregnant.

You have found that the realities of the first pregnancy are far more clear and present than they were before. It’s not all hearts and bunnies the second time around. With the first you were in the land of puppy dogs and flowers, hearts and bunnies. Everything was dreamy. When tired, you rested. Lazily, you lounged and pampered yourself whenever, wherever while your doting hubby fed you grapes straight from the vine and fanneds you with a palm branch after having massaged your feet. Wait a minute! Who are we kidding?? That’s sooo not how things went down!…bummer, I know. But anyways, with the first you blissfully lived in the world of ignorance of what’s to come: 3^rd trimester discomfort, labor, recovery, sleepless nights etc. Not so much with child numero dos. While the joy and excitement is 100% there, the reality of what’s to come is right behind it. That ignorant bliss you had with Colton, is nowhere to be seen and that eye opening reality of “Dear Lord, I have how many months left??…help!!” has become a constant prayer.

However, in the midst of all that discomfort, you have found that laughing about the hotmess you have become is a great way to ease that unpleasant persona. Because as we all either know, or end up finding out is that pregnancy is a bundle of unglamourous months! And anyone who may try to tell you differently is sugar coating it and LY-ING to you! So instead of being miserable 99.9% of the time, you tryyyyy to find the humor in your discomfort. It’s those humourous moments that make you chuckle (clearly in hindsight) and think, “there are VERY few men in this world who could survive this” and that makes you smirk and eases the discomfort a smidge. Just as a reminder, Kimi, let’s see what makes it so unglamorous. Wheeeeellll, let me remind you! First, you seem to be one of the “blessed” ones as you get morning all the time sickness. Puking that could be spurred by the mere scent of your husbands cologne that you picked for him because, well, back in the day, it smelled amazing. Then ofcourse there is the insane hunger that over takes your body. You go from “sure, I could nibble” to “GET ME A MOTHER EFFING *insert food of choice*” in seconds, only to then fall asleep from the food binge, to then waking up from the heartburn (because silly you, thought you could lay down after eating with no problems….false…so.very.false.) Since you are already awake from the heartburn, you might as well get up to pee, thus starting the dreaded cycle of pee interruptions to your day, or evening or perfectly good night’s sleep. Or how about the precious feeling of your little one jamming their legs into your bladder, ribs, lungs, anything? Which then keeps you from resting comfortably. How about the feeling that your pelvis is just sloooowly separating. Maybe it’s the innocent sneeze or cough that makes you pee yourself. Or the sensitive nipples that make a cold breeze feel like someone is holding a match to them and attempting to burn them off your body! The headaches, the swelling, the list of random unglamorous pregnancy symptoms goes on. And while you will have kind and oh so loving friends and family encourage you with “you have that pregnancy glow” or “You look fantastic!” or “You are all belly!” deep down you know that instance when you have gone from not bad to hot mess. Shall we recall stroller shopping for Colton? Sneezing only to then pee yourself right there in the store. *sigh* to the point where you had to purchase an entire new bottom half to your outfit for the day. You haven’t lived until you have peed yourself in public, don’t you forget that!

So, Kimi, this note is purely to document these feelings, because one day, all these awful memories will fade, and Colty and Lucy will be bigger and you will longingly look at newborns and think “I want another, I’m ready, it’s time.” and you will desperately need these words from pregnant Kimi to nonpregnant Kimi to remind you that there is NO WAY, on this green earth you can go through it again!! So future Kimi, when that time comes, reread this post (as many times as needed), smile that you made it through 2 pregnancies, kiss your adorable grown babies and thank the good Lord that you are done!!! J

Love,

Pregnant Kimi

Baby #2 - First Trimester: Part 4

Week 11 was my rough week. It was the weekend of thanksgiving. I was able to eat okay the day of but after eating my body felt like it literally shut down. And kept shutting down. I think I started feeling worse Sunday and knew I needed to call the drs Monday. I called and the response I got was “well eat small meals, take a lot of small sips throughout the day. Have you tried tea? Or different temperature of juice or even Gatorade” I wanted to reach through the phone and slap her. This is NOT my first rodeo honey! I know how it goes, I wouldn’t be calling if I hadn’t tried that. But she said to try that and then call at the end of the day. Well I ended up having to come home and rest by noon, and was getting weaker and weaker. By the morning I was toast. I was shaky and really really weak. And as always I take notice of my urine color (to detect dehydration) and it was getting darker and darker. Tuesday morning I called to give the status I was supposed to give the afternoon before. The nurse called back and said if I wanted to come see the PA I could but they didn’t think I was “that bad”. I thought twice, always second guessing myself, that maybe I should just wait it out. But of course I knew it would only get worse and opted to see the PA. Unfortunately I would have to go to the Farmington office rather than the Penfield office but I didn’t care, I just felt bad that Alfie would have to take me (I was in NO shape to drive. I could barely sit upright). So off we went. Once we arrived, I shuffled myself into the office. And when I say shuffle I mean shuffle. It wasn’t a slow walk it was a hunched over, hold onto the car, then Alfie, then stair railing, then wall, just to check in. When the nurse called me back to give a urine sample, I remember thinking, “man my body is shot”. What I mean by that is that feeling your body has when you have the flu and you have the body aches an general weakness. That’s it. Sure you can force yourself to be upright and walk for a very short time but the strain on your body to do that isn’t worth it. That’s how I felt. I could barely get onto the scale by myself. Luckily I had only dropped 3lbs instead of the 8lbs with Colty. Again I shuffled into the room and lay on the exam table. When the PA came in she took one look at me and pretty much said, she didn’t realize from the messages I’d left that it was this bad. Luckily she was kind, and had been through it before, herself. Not only did she ask me how it was, but she asked Alfie, which I thought was great. Because really, I hate to be thought of as a wimp, so I don’t always tell how bad things are (with the exception of blogging… I really put it out there!). So anyways, she gave us two options: just try a cocktail of meds (Zofran and Phenergan together) or go to the hospital for fluids. And thank God for Alfie, because he jumped in with “Can we do both?” which of course she was more than willing to allow. So with the promise of feeling better on the horizon (or so I thought), off to the hospital we went. Since Alfie had to be at work, mom was able to step in and take me, which I was more than fine with. I would have been fine just being dropped off, as this wasn’t my first time and I’d literally be just lying there doing nothing. But it was nice to have mom there with me. It’s always nice to have your mama with you. Of course that day was extremely busy, and the wait in the waiting room reflected that. But we signed in anyways and waited our turn. so I opted for a wheelchair when dropped off as I was extremely weak from dehydration. While mom parked the attendant wheeled me over to get signed in. There was an older couple waiting right by the door between where I was signing in and where I had to go to wait. The old lady was sitting with the older man behind her resting against the wall. Mom, came in and was then attempting to move me to the waiting room, when WHAM she clipped my wheelchair with that of the little old lady’s. LOL YIKES! They certainly gave us the death glare. Although in moms defense the old couple blocked the area pretty good and there wasn’t much room to maneuver. They really shouldn’t have been there! Anyways, they got their payback when another older couple ran into my wheelchair on their way back to be seen…lol no harm done 

When I say the ED was busy, I mean they were putting patients in the HALLWAY on beds! I was praying hard that wouldn’t be me! I can’t handle hospitals anyways that being in a hallway and watching the sick be wheeled by would have been too much for me. Much too much. Anyways, I was finally called back and put into the holding room where a Dr. came and asked the typically preliminary questions: whats wrong? How long have you been feeling like this? When is the last time you puked? When was the last time you ate/drank? Is this the first time pregnancy? Was it this bad before? Etc. And then I was wheeled over to “room” to receive fluids. Luckily I wasn’t AWFUL (I’m not kidding when I say I did things differently this time) and only needed 2 bags of fluids. I was pretty much expecting that outcome. What I wasn’t expecting, was the trouble to get blood work drawn and an IV put in. I knew the correlation between ease of finding a vein and hydration but it did not come to mind until the first nurse came over to grab blood. Three different location attempts and nothing. Grr. So she grabbed another girl. 2 location attempts and SUCCESS! Only problem was that in order for the IV to work, I had to hold veryyyyy still and keep my arm insanely straight or else the fluids would stop dripping and the IV machine (?) would start beeping. Talk about being a pain! But I figured anything to make things feel better, right? Right! So I lay there, doing nothing, watching the comings and goings of the ED, trying to grab the scoop of the couple on the other side of the curtain, by using mom as my interpreter (they only spoke Spanish and were there for some sort of cyst that was painful…lol yeah I’m nosey like that!). After a few hours my nurse comes back and says “sooo I have some good news and bad news: Good news, congrats you are in fact pregnant! Bad news, your blood sample coagulated and we need to take more.” MOTHER EFFER! Of course I was gracious and said, “Reallllly????” But she assured me they were going to get the “expert” on the floor to do it, since my veins were being problematic. And sure enough, a few minutes later a murse (male nurse) waltzed on it. “So you are going to try taking my blood?” and his response was something along the lines of “I’m not going to try, I’m going to be successful!” Just the winning spirit I liked to hear when someone was about to poke me for the bazillionth time. And true to his word, he was successful on his first try! Praise the Lord!! Granted he had a much more hydrated patient on his hands than any of the other nurses, but that’s neither here nor there. Now that that was taken care of, the only thing that stood between myself and freedom was a half bag of IV fluid. And so we waited…and waited… and hello, rotation change! Which brought on a new nurse. And she pops in and goes “so I haven’t checked your chart, what’s up?” As she starts fiddling with my IV. Not.OKAY. I was on my phone and was trying to hang up to respond but she waved me off saying I didn’t have to get off the phone… again while fiddling with the IV which was now beeping because she moved it from its finicky position. I tried to explain the ordeal, but she jumped in with “well that’s not supposed to be like that” (no sh*! Lady, I mean really?!) So what does she do but start sliding the iv farther out. At which point it stopped beeping and flowed like normal, but instead of not being able to feel it like before, it was burning and it felt painful. I told her and her comment was “well you only have less than a quarter of a bag left, is it really painful?” I said yes. So she fiddled again and essentially ended up pulling it out. I.Was.FUMING! No, “I’m sorry”. No, “oh no!” nothing other than “let me see what the Dr. wants to do.” What I wanted to do was biotch slap her! If only she had checked my info, maybe we wouldn’t be in this lil predicament, lady. Luckily the doctor was okay with the amount of fluid I received and although I still felt really nauseous, was at least hydrated. They sent me home with a lovely prescription of Phenergan to take every four hours in addition to the Zofran I was taking twice a day. Its times like that, that I get worried. A double prescription. What harm is it to the baby? Of course it’s on the “approved” list but that’s not a guarantee (of course what in life is?) but it still makes me nervous and made me feel guilty yet again that I needed to do be on medication. So many tears have been spilled from being sick. So much anger has been shouted in my mind, in my heart, both this pregnancy and the last, and so much aloneness has been felt. Very few understand. I think because of that I feel extreme empathy for anyone experiencing morning sickness, at any level through their pregnancy. I get upset at the people who brush it off like it’s just another cross us pregnant mama’s must bear, another symptom we must endure. No, it’s a lot more than that for a lot of women. It’s frustrating and overwhelming, and when people don’t say that to others, it perpetuates the stigma that we have to just grin and bear it in our own silent hell. I’m not saying we have to daily complain about pregnancy but all I am asking for is a bit of honesty. It is not the best time in life for every woman. And it’s interesting because the more honest we are about the hard and frustrating parts of pregnancy, the more often I find there are more ladies out there who would agree. And by no means does talking about this difficult side of pregnancy mean that we are ungrateful it just means that we are shedding light on the less talked about side of things. Because it is the times that you find yourself so alone, and so discouraged and so feeling like nobody understands, that having had those conversations makes you feel a bit less alone, a bit less discouraged and a bit more like someone else gets it.

Wk 12-17: Parts of this time period are a blur to me. Filled with some good days, some bad. Some puking, lots of gagging and constant nausea. Many tears were cried, many arguments had. Some days I showered, more often, I did not. Some days I worked from home, more often I went into the office. I had weeks of food trends. Salami, ham, jarlesburge cheese and croissants; Peanut butter and jelly; toast…always toast; eggs and sausage. There were food aversions: fruit, juice, pop, pizza – anything with red sauce, greasy/heavy foods and onions. There were holidays tossed in there: Thanksgiving and Christmas. There were quiet moments, there were loud moments, there was anger and there was hurt. Times of “I can do this!” and times of “Make this stop”. Some cuddles, exhaustion, kissies and huggies, and nausea…ohhh the nausea. But it’s over. Praise the Lord it’s so over. The feeling of looking at my meds and knowing I am okay, and no longer on them : PURE JOY! But through those weeks there was ALWAYS the support of my family (mom, dad, sisters, in-laws, aunts and uncles) who for sure prayed me through those dark days and weeks. They took turns watching Colty and making sure him and Alfie had a home cooked meal. They sent encouraging texts, emails, Facebook comments and messages and literally dragged me through those days and weeks when I would have never been able to make it on my own. And then there were my friends. Most close…most ladies I have known for years upon years, some I saw often and some only via Facebook, but still their encouraging words and stories and “I’ve been there too, and it blows” were soothing to my soul. So a BIG thank you goes out to all those family and friends. YOUR faith and YOUR kind encouragement carried me and my faith. And so we thankfully and joyfully move out of the “Dark Period” and into what I lovingly call: “The Hunger Games”

Baby #2 - First Trimester: Part 3

 

12/6 – 12wks4d. Still on meds, still sick, still tired. This morning was rough, emotionally. I find I have a lot of that these days, emotional days. Days when I just feel defeated. I feel discouraged and sad that I don’t have the get up and go of a normal person. I am thankful that this time at least I have the excitement of being pregnant. I know the end state and can believe that it will be worth it. That I at least have. With my first I didn’t. I had no end in sight. People would say it’ll be over at 12wks. 12wks came and went and I was still sick. I have more belief in myself this time. I know when I’m bad and will tell it like it is to the doctors. I put up with a lot the first time. This time I don’t force myself as much. i.dont.feel.good.i.am.not.joking. meaning, no amount of lame guilt, by family or friends will make me attend an event. What most don’t realize is that I have triggers beyond food and smells that make me feel worse. I feel the best laying down, in the dark, in the quiet. Believe it or not, sometimes the flickering of the TV makes things worse. Even with my eyes closed, it feels like I’m on a roller coaster. And loud gatherings with people competing to talk over each other just trigger nausea.

 

It’s interesting. Most people have never heard of Hyperemisis Gravidarum (HG) until recently. It is the diagnosis Kate Middleton was given a few weeks ago. It’s also the diagnosis I was given with Colton and again given with Baby #2. I am so thankful that with this time it wasn’t as bad as with Colton and I am also thankful that it was never as bad as so many other HG sufferers. So what is HG. In technical terms it means “excessive vomiting during pregnancy”. It is often diagnosed based on the following symptoms:

 

• Loss of 5% or more of pre-pregnancy body weight

• Dehydration, causing ketosis, and constipation

• Nutrition disorders

• Metabolic imbalances

• Physical and emotional stress of pregnancy on the body

 • Difficulty with activities of daily living

 

But what it means to many is life changing and long suffering. And beyond the physical, there are so many emotional struggles to deal with. “Why am I so sick? When will it subside? What can I keep down?” it is extremely overwhelming. No joke. I was telling my mom how easily things can trigger flashbacks to times of sickness with Colton. I can literally remember the feeling of puking certain foods (pizza, bananas and pickles are the worst), I can close my eyes and recall moments in flashback mode of the first and second time I was hospitalized, of numerous times I had to pull over while driving to call mom and cry, of having toilet water splash my face (at work and at home) of laying on the floor in the bathroom of crawling from one room to the next. It was literally hell to feel that way and even now it comes back in the blink of an eye.

 

I decided with both pregnancies that I would write through this time, because it helps me. And because it is an honest reflection of how I feel during an extremely tough time. I found that both times I have gotten pretty discouraged, I believe with Colton I was extremely depressed (scarily depressed) but with this one I did a lot of things different. I babied myself. I didn’t let work, friends, family, anyone guilt me into going someplace, doing something, nothing… my top priority was myself and resting. I think I fought more for myself this time instead of trying to do too much like last time. Unfortunately, how I feel is something I am constantly aware of. I am constantly checking my “status” of how I am, how nauseous I am and what I should eat. Every time I go to put something into my mouth I think “how will this sit”. Having been through this with Colton I can easily say that pregnancy was far worse, although for Alfie, this pregnancy is much harder on him, with an energetic 2 year old to take care of. The first was more emotional, more physically draining and more unexpected. This pregnancy it didn’t catch me off-guard. I was optimistic that it wouldn’t happen but knew my odds for having rough morning sickness that would progress into HG again were not in my favor. So now in week 15, I am using week 21 as my marker. I was better with Colty at that point, it’s gotta be better by then for this pregnancy, right? Evenings and early mornings are my tough time. Evenings because I am so exhausted from working all day, and mornings because of how I have slept or if I am too hungry. Some days I hate the thought of eating, for the pure reason of having to think through lists of food items that may or may not sit well. It makes me nervous. Some days I eat fine. The catch is that if I don’t eat I get REALLY nauseous and pukey, and then nothing sounds appetizing, so I have to force myself to eat. And I don’t like that feeling. But with this pregnancy I am trying to stay optimistic. I am trying to stay encouraged and not feel defeated. I am trying to be thankful and look at the humor in the vomiting and the humor in the discomfort, and the satisfaction in knowing that if God had chosen men to carry pregnancies, the human race would have been screwed! I also find comfort in knowing that while for me, this is so very hard, it is not as bad as others have had or as bad as it could have been. I could have more hospital visits, my babies health could have been in danger, I could have needed a PICC line (IV line that you wear home), there are so many things that are far worse, that I have to remind myself that my mountain, though very large for me, is really just a hill to so many people. And for that I am thankful.

Baby #2 - First Trimester: Part 2

11/7 – yesterday wasn’t good. And maybe everyone deals with this and it is just another crappy part of pregnancy, but for me it seems so overwhelming. How come more people don’t say how awful it is. How insanely exhausting it is to work, be a mom AND be pregnant? Praise the Lord that this time I am not puking as often, primarily just dry heaving, nauseous and so extremely tired. I know the exhaustion is the side effect of the medicine, but man sometimes my body just feels weak. But back to yesterday… all day I was nauseous… I felt like I ate a ton just to keep myself somewhat functioning and I threw up some of my fresh strawberries (gross). But it was the getting home part that was hard. I was home, trying to rest and great… I had to make dinner… something for Alfie and Colton and something different for myself. They were having pasta with red sauce that a dear friend brought over, but the heartburn from pizza (ie. The red sauce) kept me from enjoying it too. So I made plain noodles with chicken and broccoli for me…dinner of champions. The majority of the time Colton is asking to be picked up or wanting my attention and Alfie is …voting. And since he was voting and the polls swamped he asked me to warm up the sauce… sure cause lying on the couch hoping dinner would magically appear was clearly not an option. Thankfully he cleaned up the dishes and put everything away but I don’t think anyone understands how hard it is for me to not be helping out. To know that that burden will fall on Alfie. How difficult it is to watch Colton ask for me to play and for me to want the energy to sit and do a puzzle….its hard.

11/21 to 11/26(today) – Worst thanksgiving ever. I was able to eat but afterwards felt so sick. But lets back up. Wednesday was bad. Leigh was supposed to watch Colton that afternoon but wasn’t able to make it out and what a day for that to happen. I was in no shape to watch my own child. My body was shot, it is always shot, and I am not sure why. Anyways, luckily Susan was able to come over and really really helped out by taking care of Colty for me. That night was bad. I should have gone to the hospital, I know it. I know I needed fluids, but at 7pm we would have been in the ER for hours and what a toll that is on everyone, I just couldn’t do that to them so I sucked it up and went to bed early. Thanksgiving day was not much better. I woke up feeling gross. But we made it to moms. Unfortunately that’s as far as we got. We never made it out to the LoMags (I felt so guilty). What people don’t understand is a 10 min car ride is tough. A 20 min car ride is rough. And a 30 min car ride is torture. I can’t physically do that…on a good day. Now on a bad day, there is no way in hell I am subjecting myself to that.

It’s hard. I feel so guilty, like everything is my fault – Alfie being tired, Colton acting out, it’s all my fault. I can’t do anything. I read the other day that people use FMLA for their morning sickness and for a few minutes was hopeful until I remembered it is unpaid. We can’t do unpaid. I also feel like no one believes me. Like this is just me not being able to hack it. I read over and over information about HG to find some sort of solace that I am not crazy, that this is really happening to me, that this is not a joke or a figment of my imagination. And then there are the nurses who same thing, just chalk it up to pregnancy. But I’m sorry, when I can’t function, this is more than just morning sickness, I can barely take care of myself, let alone my home or my family.

It’s tough. I lie in bed at night and just feel so not myself. I don’t feel happy, I feel sad. I don’t feel excited I feel anxious. When will this end? How will it end? Will the baby be healthy? Am I doing more harm than good? There are so many scary thoughts and so many anxieties from last time. I didn’t think it stayed with me, I thought I had successfully moved on. But when little things cause big reactions or bigger fears, I know I haven’t gotten over last time. I think what the worst is, is that nobody really understands. I wish upon wish that people talked about this. That the doctors discussed it, that they told you about it and about how to treat it, that it wasn’t just morning sickness that they really were proactive for me. Many “survivors” of HG have PTSD. I don’t think I have that, but I for sure have lingering side effects. I get nervous and anxious a lot. “How will this sit in my stomach? Will this make me throw up? How bad will it feel coming back up? Do I want to throw this up? I better not eat it.” And that thought process is for every single thing I consider eating, that I see, or that I decide to eat. It is a similar thing for drinking. “Is this too fizzy? Will I burp and then gag? How will it sit? Does it have too much acid in it? Is it going to stay down?” It leaves me with a lot of anxiety… a lot of actual fear… a lot of sadness. Because the irony in this is I am hungry, so very hungry and so very thirsty, like living in the desert kind of thirsty. But the anxiety, the fear, the throwing up and nausea, both past and present make it hard to choose food and beverage every time, over playing it safe and not eating or drinking.

Apparently I am strong. Apparently I can endure. I have a hard time believing that but a wonderful mother who reminds me over and over when I feel I can’t do it, she reminds me. When I just want to be a defeated mess, she reminds me over and over. I need that. With Colton my lifeline was “Blessed be your name” and a recent favorite this year is “Hosanna: Praise is rising”. Both were sung on Sunday during worship and I made it through the first but couldn’t hold back the tears on the second. It was like those songs were just for me, just for my heart and just to remind me that God was in my past as he is in my present. My mind tells me I can’t do this but deep in my heart I know I have to. For me, for Alfie for Colton and for this precious life. I HAVE to be okay I HAVE to force myself when I don’t want to. Because that’s what we do, for our babies. We endure the hurt and the hardships so that they don’t have to. So that they can live pain free, hurt free and healthy. And so as with Colton, dear baby, this is my first gift to you. I WILL endure this. I WILL fight through. For you, for your tiny life that is knitted together in my womb by our loving heavenly Father. I will do this for you. Because I love you already. Because you are special to your mommy already.

Baby # 2 - First Trimester: Part 1

I hemmed and hawed over when to post these, and i thought, i might as well just get it over with. Again i blogged during the dreaded 1st trimester... In an effort to be real and honest these next 4 part blogs were my tears, my heart, and my thoughts from those early weeks....
So when Alfie and I found out we were pregnant, based on the LMC I was about 6 wks. We found out on a Wednesday and I got into the doctors to confirm by urine test by Friday. A-okay. Feeling good! I was so hopeful that this pregnancy would be much MUCH different than the last, no nausea, no vomiting. When I was at the doctors, they scheduled me for my 8wk appointments. One with the nurse to go over how the OB office worked and then the OB complete physical with the PA. By the time I went in to meet with the nurse I was starting to have bouts of nausea, okay all day nausea. But hey I wasn’t puking right? And man I was 8 wks, I could hang on for 4 more, right? So a few days after the nurse visit was the OB complete and they do the usual annual gyno visit complete with an attempt to listen for the baby’s heartbeat. So she tried and hmmm, nothing. Which she explained was not unusal given the size of the baby and the how difficult it can be to find it. But she offered me to option to either wait until my 12 week appointment or go for an ultrasound. And ofcourse I jumped at the chance to go for an ultrasound and ease any nerves. And WOO HOO they could even squeeze me in that day! So I sat with my snacks in hand on the waiting room bench until they called my name, an hour later. I laid on the ultrasound techs table and anxiously waited to see the little tiny blob appear on the screen. It does, and she finds it to start measuring. Hmmm, she says, how confident are you on your dates? I said “mehh, okay”. There is a couple week window of when it conception could have occurred. And she proceeded to tell me the baby is measuring 6wks 5 days instead of almost 9. In my head I was thinking “are you freaking kidding me?!?!” Counting back meant that Alfie and I found out at 4wks again, which made our first pregnancy feel like forever, and I am sure would make this one feel about the same. She went on to continue measuring and then measuring the heartbeat and with the confirmation of a strong steady heartbeat (consistant with a 6wk 5d baby), said all is well. She handed me a photo of the bambino and I was headed into work. Now while I was extremely happy that the baby was healthy, I was more than bummed that we were not as far along, and that I was about right around the time when I was starting to feel sick with Colton. Such was the same with baby #2. The nausea has gotten worse each day, and going from no puking to dry heaving often, made me miserable. I am trying to stay optimistic that this one will be different, but already being back on the meds at the end of week 7 was not an encouragement. I felt like a failure once again. I was discouraged that I couldn’t take it. That my pregnancy yet again was beinging to change me. That I couldn’t be fully present and functional for Colton and Alfie and that my sickness was effecting Alfie. It sucks. What people don’t realize is that I feel like a failure, like a wimp. Like people will look at me as if I just can’t do it so I resort to meds, taking the easy way out. There is a lot of emotional baggage that comes with being put back on medicine. A bit of fear, for the baby, fear for myself, fear that it will get as bad as it did last time.

Just your average week...

Confession: I am in a funk.

It’s a work meets stress meets home life meets stress meets momma-hood meets stress. Who’s with me?! I know for certain I am not alone and I find cheerful solidarity that there are other mommas out there who are equally as ready some mornings to rip their hair out, throw up their hands in surrender and shout “ Jesus take the wheel!! This momma feels like a hot mess!!” Ya know?

So this week has just been the cherries upon the whipped cream upon the caramel upon the ice cream sundae of craziness. It all started last weekend. I love my weekends. I do. Who doesn’t? But I have a new found respect for you single parents. Alfie was sick this weekend and on top of the cold he was suffering from achey breaky backy painy (he broke his back, back in the day, random, during a softball game…church softball might I add… we were dating, newly dating and he spent an entire summer…or at least it felt like…in a fun little back brace, with his new girlfriend…me…driving him around) so he literally did nothing and couldn’t do anything all weekend. So that left an awful lot of mommy and Colty time. Like a lot of it. Like Friday, Saturday AND Sunday of me and the kid. I was essentially single parenting for the weekend and you real single parents are SAINTS! How you do it everyday without a relief of another parent to buffer is beyond me, so here is me tipping my hat (or cheersing a double shot of tequila, cause Lord knows you probably need that more than a freakin’ hat tip, I know I did!)

So along came Monday. Bright and shining hateful Mondays. Nobody enjoys Mondays unless they have the day off. So work is well…work and deadlines are rapidly approaching putting momma on edge more than a little. Same as Tuesday…just compounding. And we enter Wednesday. Well Wednesday was the accumulation of all things Friday through Sunday PLUS Monday and Tuesday leaving me NOT my usual happy camper (ok, bad analogy, I can’t imagine me ever a literal happy camper, so let’s go with happy sun bather).

**WARNING- miiiiight make you gag so don’t read on a full stomach***

Prefacing this with we had Chinese for dinner. Colty too. He likes it. General Tso and rice. Mmmm. Little guy eats like a champ. But around 1am I awoke to Colty (who yes, sleeps with us, no judgment please…lol) thrashing and sitting up. So I picked him up and held him, trying to rock him back to sleep when, yack. 30% on me, 60% on colty, 10% on the bed and 0% on Alfie (go figure). So of course I corral the lil puker into the bathroom to try and clean him up. Alfie shouts over to notify me the bed is still good, although I know for a fact he got some on my side, so I kindly (haha I am sure that at 1am I was definitely kind…who isn’t?) requested a sheet change anyways. And he complied and brought new jammies for colty. I had just gotten him cleaned up and into a new outfit when YACK again, all over himself. DANG IT! Enter another new outfit for Colty(since I had managed to catch the entire contents of this puke session in his top. Yeah all rice and chicken and… peas?! It was hilariously nasty and I chuckle to myself as I hear, and reminisce of, Alfie complaining about the stench. It reeked of Vienna sausages and cat food. Gross. So finally Colty is cleaned up, new jammie on and we pop back into bed this time with a towel down incase another puke round happened. And you know it did. This time though Colty decided to situp (on the towel) puke and then WHAM face plant right into the puke, then roll to the side and push himself up by sticking his hand right into it. So extremely nasty! Oh yeah and did I mention I looked over and he was chewing. OMG I almost lost it. Al.Most. Lost.It. One last final cleanup of the lil man, complete with NO Jammies (lesson learned) and new towel, around 3am we finally all got back to sleep. Just a typical night with a sick child…right? Luckily he wasn’t really sick, so I’m guessing dinner didn’t sit well!

Well hopefully the weekend can recharge this momma!

Baby Proofing

Confession: I dread going to non-baby proofed homes.

Who's with me?!?! Nothing makes me more anti-social than having to closely monitor behind my newly mobile 14 month old making sure that he doesn't tear the host's home up. And yes we are good about telling Colton "no" or "don't touch, just look" but really what fun is it for child to hear "no" every step they take and what fun is it for parents to have to say "no" to every move their kids make. Wasn't the point of the invitation to socialize? How does that happen, when everything in the house screams "touch me" and to be respectful of those locations, I or Alfie have to watch Colton very closely.

Perfect example. Friday we went to a Christmas party at a home with no young children. There were lovely decorations throughout the family room/ kitchen and of course a large sparkling tree with ornaments complete with a very fun looking train underneath. I am sure Colton looked at it thinking "Heck yeah! Lets do this!!" and all i thought was "Oh Sweet Lord...a freakin' train. Kill me now!" Knowing that all night i would have to redirect Colton from the tree towards one of his lame toys only to then be distracted toward another poorly placed home decor item. I mean really, whats more fun: a giant tree with dangly things you can pull off and throw AND that has a train underneath OR a truck that he has played with loads of times?!?! Ummm I'm going with tree! The karma in me wants to give Colty a gentle nudge and say "Go to my man, they asked for it", high five him and take a seat on the couch while watching him trash the place... but I'm sure that would come back to bite me, so yeah. Needless to say, I didn't get to socialize very much that night... oh well.

Now of course I don't expect people to fully baby proof for my child BUT should you know someone with a small kid coming over it might serve you well (and aid in a much more delightful visit) to have an area that is ok for playing, where things are okay to touch or where there is nothing breakable or dangerous (like outlets covered) AND bonus if you have a few toys that they can play with (I always pack something for Colty but "new" toys make the trip extra special). I'm sure singles or couples with no kids wonder why families with children always want to host or why its a pain for us to "come over". Its for this reason: The kid is in their surroundings at home. They already know what is a "no touch" area, they have baby gates up, and mom and dad can actually enjoy their company because the need to monitor the little monster is gone! Its far easier to host than be invited places. (And extra easier if the gathering is NOT in the evening...hello its baby bedtime by 8).

Now i am not saying come over and trash my house just because we are baby proofed (i love the mommas who clean up after their kiddos before they leave), but Alfie and I definitely have it arranged that the family room area is a play zone, so children PLAY ON! (but only in there. All other areas of the house are off limits...lol) We have no decorative bowls or items that can be knocked down or broken. No baskets that can be pulled out and emptied. No DVDs that can be pulled out and stepped on. just toys, blankets and pillows. Now i am sure our home does not look as decorated as id like, BUT its Colton's home too and I'd like him to be just as comfortable in that space to do what he pleases as I am. And if that means i have to hold off on decorating for the next few months, then so be it.

So this holiday season, with the oodles of parties and family gatherings, think of us parents with little ones. Take pity on us and throw up a baby gate. Pop in some outlet covers. block off a room, have a basket of toys... ANYTHING. It will make the visit that much more enjoyable for everyone. Unless of course your goal is a quick visit, then of course don't change a thing, and we will be out of your home in under an hour!

The case for numero dos...

**Disclaimer: We are NOT pregnant and we are NOT trying to be. We be havin' conversations! Got it?
ok, with that out of the way (and with the rumors now flying...geez), let's move on...

I find it funny that people always want to be in on your "next step" in life. You're single and its "when are you going to date". So you date and then it is "so when are you getting engaged?" then "When are you getting married?" then " When are you going to have a baby" and then "When are you going to have baby number 2?" And thats where Alfie and I fall. Into the "When are you going to pop out number 2?" Which when asked, part of me wants to respond with "Mind your own dang business" buuuut since I too have asked the dreaded question to others (a LOT less since having been asked it myself) I usually offer up the "We aren't sure". Although if you ask Alfie, he will give you a specific month (but then again he didn't puke for 21wks so he is far more onboard). Which in my mind begs the question, "When to try for a second?" I can hear you all out there "OMG kimi and Alfie are talking about a second" FALSE...let me remind you, I.AM.A.PLANNER. which means I like to have some sort of timeline for major events and although its doubtful that it will occur as planned, i find comfort in the ability to attempt to plan it. I We, know I want Colty to have a sibling (alfie would be ok, with not having another. But I love having siblings and I wouldnt want Colty to miss out on that sort of relationship). So for all of you parents with 2+ kiddos weigh in please! *No worries Wilson, im not about to take a job and then get knocked up, been there, done that, moving on* Sooo lets hear the pros and cons. For all you wham bam under 18 months apart aka "crazy people" would you do it again?? Or how about those with 3+years between the kiddos? Do you like the spread? Is just the addition of child number 2 crazy enough that timing means nothing? Those with one child, is that the route to go? Only have one and stock up on fun things like boats, convertables, and lake houses?!?! What about those of you who both work? How do you do it?!?! There is something to be said about baby #1 being old enough to say "Mom i'm borrowing the car, be back later" before having baby #2 (jokes jokes, thats farrrr too farrrr apart, i'll settle for him saying "hippopotamus" lol) Annnnd there is the case for bang bang and done, and knowing that i can have my body back FOREVER. So come on...chime in. Give me your best "if i had to do it again" insight. Let me have it!! :)

Yee Haww its a Barnyard Birthday!

Well I made it through Colton's first year all in one piece! And sure we had some occasional oops, like a fall off the couch, a fall (ok, 2 falls off the bed), issues with formula and issues with sleeping. Saturday we celebrated among close friends and family, Coltons Barnyard Birthday! (Photo's courtesy of Christy Roushey)....

We had everyone dressed in their farmers best....

and some got crazy with it.... (Auntie Lor Lor "keepin' it rural" as her shirt says)


We took some family pics before everyone arrived...

Abuelita ('Ita for short) and Colty

Titi Christy, Uncle Ben and Maddicus

Uncle Fer and Titi Susan

I slavvvved away for weeks creating the banners, the menu cards and all the little "1" banners for the cupcakes...

The centerpieces for each table (I made these using pairs of Coltons baby jeans)

Pictures of Colty to decorate the gift table

YUM first taste of the cupcake...

YIKES crazy sugar rush baby!!! he liked it but did a serious gag after a few bites. Dessert over!

Momma's favorite 1 year old!

We had a great time and Colton was showered with gifts from the many friends and family who love him! Happy Birthday Colty! (thats your last party for a long while!)

Baby-versary: and cousin makes two...

So last night I had the pleasure of watching my niece Madelyn. For the first time, EVER. That’s right. In almost a year’s time at 10 months, this is the first time I watched her. Crazy, right?? Or as Christy said its CAH-RAZZZY. On Thursdays it is Alfie’s pool league night, so I pulled a solito (little solo en espanol) and watched 2 babies for the evening. It’s interesting to see the personality differences between Madelyn and Colton, at such a young age. Colton is more the "risk taker" and Maddie the more cautious thinker. I can easily imagine Colton to say "Come on Madds try pulling Nelly's tail" and Madelyn responding with "Are you suuuuure that’s a good idea?? Seems kind of risky." Colton doesn't mind bigger crowds, while Maddie is not a fan. And my favorite thing about Maddie, is she is a lovie!! That girl gives hugs and likes to cuddle and be on your lap, while Colton is "huh? Cuddle what?? Mommm I’m playing!!" lol It’s too funny.

So yesterday, I picked up the babies and as we headed home, we stopped by WCS to see Uncle Fer and watch a WCS soccer game. As the team scored the final goal before halftime and the crowd went wild, little Miss Maddicus also went wild, like meltdown type wild, with some serious tears. The well meaning cheering fans had scared Madds. Poor girl. Luckily a well timed snack of Cheerios quickly ended the cry session and with Uncle Fer's help we packed up and headed home. I had briefly figured out how I would bring two babies into the house. But was hoping I was home early enough to have alfie there and he could help. And YES, bullet dodged! He was home and grabbed Colton while I snagged Madelyn. She wasn't too sure of Uncle Alfie at first but she warmed up soon enough. Enter Nelly. Nelly is our mildly crazed cat. We often say we should have named her Kevin, since she is the cat version of Kevin from the office... crazy weird, not all there and hilarious (so we made it her honorary middle name). But anyways, she enjoyed Nelly from a distance but when Nelly would come near, she would grab onto me and climb up me. And then there was Colty...pointing and touching Nelly, looking at Maddie as if to say "Look at my cat! Look! Look how fun he is." But Maddie had a "run in" with Nells when I had stepped away, as Maddie was looking at a book, next thing she knew Nelly was standing beside her. Madelyn FROZE. I'd never seen her so still. Almost as if to say, maybe if I don't move, she won’t know I am here. And it seemed to work, because Nelly moved on by and Maddie BOOKED it towards Colty. It was a funny baby moment. After that Nelly pretty much stayed away, and Maddie enjoyed the new books and new toys that Colton showed off shared. Getting dinner for 2 babies and only 1 highchair was kind of tricky, but Colton was nice about going through my purse showing Maddie the ropes when I put him down in the kitchen. And after a quick heat up of grilled cheese sans crust, all cut into bite size pieces, Madds went into the highchair and Colton on my lap. Dinner = Success. Maddie devoured my meal, I’m chalking it up to my excellent culinary skills (and not the fact that she is like me and will eat and enjoy anything!). Colton on the other hand is a slooooow eater. So we shared some of Colton’s sandwich with Maddie, who had finished hers. I placed them with their bottles in the family room watching Veggie Tales together while I got my grub on. Holla. Hot dogs and beans! Ya ya Franks and beans, whatever. I love them long time... so good lol. I’m pretty sure I ate half the can and 2 hot dogs. WHAT. Me so hungry! Momma be awful when it comes to self control. (I’m obese at heart....or maybe at stomach?). After that it was smooth sailing. I tried leaving the TV on but Madds is a television LOVER, so she got a bit distracted from playing, so we fixed that and left it off. And before long, Ms. Sickly Christy showed up (lookin like she dropped 10lbs! Shoulda had her cough on me, I could use a case of acute bronchitis to help these last 10lbs come off.) Colton did his best showing off of his new walking skills and teetered around the foyer, then busted out a "here's lookin at you kid" gun finger point that had Titi and Maddie chuckling as they headed out the door. and with a quick nighttime bottle, Colton was asleep in minutes and I got my Barnyard birthday craft on, followed by another viewing of the Yellow Jackets on the Singoff, ok 2 viewings, and one MAY or may not have been dancing around the living room to the second run through....just saying. I may have had to burn off that sandwich and chips one May or may not have downed during the first viewing (told ya, completely obese at heart). For those keeping track, yes you saw that right, thats 2 FULL meals in under 2 hours for 1 person. So sad....Then it was off to bed for me! Thank the Lord it is Friday!!

Baby-versary: A day in the life...

6am: alarm goes off. I hit it and go back to sleep. Snuggle farther into the sheets until...

7am: Oh boy! I now have a few minutes to get myself ready before Colton wakes up and Alfie and I have to rush around to finish getting dressed while doing damage control on a little wanderer who likes to get into EVERYTHING! By now its...

7:30am: and I am tossing a jacket on Colty, grabbing my lunch and making sure I have my glasses and phone before heading to the car to drop Colton off at Abuelita’s.

7:40am: Arrive at 'itas and finally take a few seconds to breathe while mom says good morning to her favorite little man. Miss Lizzy is there too and we all chat and wait for Maddicus to arrive, if she isn’t already there.

7:50am Say my goodbyes to my mister mister and give kisses to him and Madelyn as they hungrily eat their breakfast.

7:51- 8:30am MORNING COMMUTE. Depending on the day and the traffic i take multiple routes to get me out to Rochester Tech Park. Some mornings I jam to secular radio, others I worship to KLOVE or mix cds.

8:30 -4:30pm WORK WORK pinterest WORK WORK facebook WORK WORK; I have the most adorable pictures of Colton at my desk...8 to be exact. It helps the day pass when I can glance to my right and see his little face.

4:40pm: Out the door and headed to the car. I skip lunch and eat at my desk while working, so I can leave those 30 mins earlier. And while i love knowing that when I leave I am heading home, it’s the afternoon commute often feels the longest.

5:15pm: Arrive at Abuelita's and get big smiles from my bubba dukes... and a few growls and smiles from Maddicus! We usually hang around there chatting and playing with the kiddos until about

6pm: which is when we head home to see Daddy! Its pretty sad that someone who carried Colton for 9 months and lived with her face in the toilet for the first 5 doesn’t get even close to the smile that Alfie gets from Colton. I usually make dinner while Colton and Alfie watch tv play. And then sit down to eat by

6:30pm: NOM NOM NOM

7pm: A bit more playing, some book reading, lots of hugs and kisses, and again more playing. Until we start the bed time routine at

7:30 if it is a bath night or

7:45 if no bath. We grab Colty’s pacifier and lovie snuggle blanket and a bottle and cuddle on the couch as he finishes his snack, gets tired and get lots of kisses! Then its off to bed by

8pm: and onto cleaning up for momma! Dishes get done, toys get picked up, and laundry gets folded. Crafts get worked on, shows DVR'd from a prior day get watched and pending parties get planned and organized. And any home projects get worked on too. A little bit of facebooking and a little bit of pinning happens also. And then finally by

10 (or 11pm these days) I head off to bed, to do it all again in a few hours! :)

Nothing special, just a day in the life of us :)

Baby-versary: It's a boys life

Everytime i read that i think "This is a mannnnns world" like that song by whomever jazzy sings it. But anyways. I grew up as the middle child of 3. All of which are girls so way to get thrown a curve ball when I end up having a little boy. WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT LITTLE BOYS?!? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don't know about what they like to play with, i don't know what they like to do for fun or what is "cool" to them. I don't even know much about their uhh anatomy issues. So you can imagine my panic when I found out i was going to have a boy and not a girl (although luckily i don't have to deal with the hoochie-clothing issue...have fun with that one Christy...muahahaha). But it is so neat to watch the differences is a little boy and a little girl. Maddie and Colton are 3 weeks apart and spend 5 out of 7 days together. So to see Maddicus have a natural LOVE for books and Colton wanting to rip pages out of those books is crazyyyy! Maddie likes to sit and play with the barnyard animals, colton wants to throw them. Colty LOVES trucks and cars and Maddie can't be bothered. I am mentally preparing myself for the bumps and bruises that will come from a boy who likes to get into things and the random animals he may bring me (although we will teach that snakes are naughty, very very naughty to bring ANYWHERE near the house or near mommy). And being the BIG reader that i am, I will always continue to encourage book reading and discourage tv watching (although with Alfie being a huge tv fan, that may be problematic). I am not sure what potty training will be like, although you can BET i will insist on hand washing (far too many guys don't and thats gross to me). On a different note, I secretly hope Colty is a chatterbox. I will probably not enjoy it at some point, but there is nothing cuter than a little kid with a lot to say, and not afraid to say it, especially to mommy (plus that is such a sweet little relationship). Susan was VERY much a chatterbox growing up (she still is... she gets that from mom...it takes them a LONG time to tell a story).

Sidenote: Colty and I were dancing in the family room the other day to our usual Venga Boys song that I hum and then we slowed it down and i told him we could practice our mother/son dance. At that point i had to stop because we KNOW i am a sappy mess and overthinking that dance would have led to tears and i have how many years before i need to tackle that?! quite a lot!

But anways, raising a boy has been such a difference for me and so far from what I personally know having had all sisters. Its been interesting with lots of "OHHH, I see" moments (especially around diaper changes) that I can only imagine how many more similar moments I will have in the future!

Baby-versary: What I wish I had known....

So in honor of having an almost 1 year old, I am deeming this week Baby-versary, and will post baby themed posts all week! Sounds fun, doesn't it?! Ok, on to today’s post....

What I wish I had known....
There is a LOT to becoming a parent that people don't always tell you. So here are my "WOW, wish I had known that" thoughts:

-No matter how hard you try, you will resort to talking like a baby. Diapy, and boogies, nigh night and punkin, naughty and num nums. None of which are real words, but are infant mutated baby speak, that you use and if you aren't careful will use it often around adults and even *gasp* at work.

- You will live (and function) on a few hours of sleep. Those first few weeks/months alfie and I maintained an OUTRAGEOUS sleep schedule of me sleeping 10-3am and then him sleeping 3-8am and going to work. I'm not sure how we both functioned on that schedule but thanks to our good friends Coffee and Mt. Dew we managed. And not much changes as they sleep through the night. They still occasionally wake and act crazy, or diverge from any sleep schedule and because the precious naps are now "catch up time" for adults, you can pretty much say Adios to any naptime for momma or daddy.

-You realize that a 20 min hot shower is worth its weight in GOLD. Not so much now, but back when he was little and he ran the schedule, and was practically attached at the nip hip. A long shower was un heard of, and when it occurred it was like a 20 minute vacation. Oo throw in a shave of the legs, and a chance to blow dry your hair and WOW it’s like a vacation AND spa day all rolled into one! Ahh the simple things.

-You find out that Baby makes the schedule. Yeah it’s nice to go out and about and do stuff and take your baby but the consequence of skipping a good quality nap, makes not only Colton grumpy and miserable but makes Momma miserable for having to deal with a grumpy baby. And OH don't even think about shifting bedtime (we tried and what resulted was a CRAZY child, who thought midnight was a cool time to play)

-You get used to being pooped/peed/spit up on/ having baby food dripped on you, picking out boogies. No outfit is exempt or no outing too special. An occasional spit up on a nice shirt or a blowout explosion in the diaper that spills onto a great skirt. Yeah they have no bias, everything is fair game. There have been many times I get to work only to find spit up residue or stuck on food, somewhere on my clothing.

-Leaving the house without a bazillion bags is unheard of. Before it was me and a purse. Now it is me and a purse and a diaper bag and a snack bag or a bottle bag filled with meals and formula. Oh and toys, car seat toys, rattley toys, teething toys and 1 maybe 4 2 spare outfits. Because God forbid YOU have that screaming child that people stare at wondering why the parents can't shut them up and why the parents are SOO unprepared! (and no, I can NOT carry a purse, I tried, but it’s my one item that makes me feel like a woman, so I drag it everywhere)

-Babies aren't as frail as I thought. Yeah they are tiny but they were just yanked and pulled and squarshed to get into this world. They aren't gonna break. It took me a while to realize this, and while I still and not a fan of ppl jostling Colton too much, the fact that he is ALL smiles and giggles when they do, makes me a lot less nervous.

-Stay in the moment. I honestly don't recall much of those first few weeks. They are just a hodge-podge of short memories. I wish I had written more down and taken more pictures, so I would remember it all. (I did journal through it so it’s not ALL a complete loss). I also have to catch myself from saying "i can't wait until Colty can do ___" . I don't want to rush his growing up process, but rather enjoy the age he is now.

-New stuff for babies are WAYYY overrated. New toys, new clothes, new gadgets. Baby stuff’s turnover rate is so high that the price of getting something new or asking for something new isn’t worth it. Give me gently used toys, or clothes and I am set. $1 for a onesie? Yes please. $.50 toys? Heck yeah! My child plays with a COASTER a freakin COASTER and loves it! He will shake a bottle with pennies in it for hours and get the biggest kick out of it. SO momma will NOT be paying for some new sparkly gadget when he really doesn't need it.

-Loud people become your enemy. Never wake a sleeping baby (and if you do I will kill you) is how most parents feel. So there is nothing worse than loud people who remain loud regardless of if your child is asleep or awake. Because the feeling that comes across your body when that loud person shouts and your entire being freezes in terror and then you hear that dreaded cry from upstairs and all you REALLY want to do is say to that loud person "ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME, YOU KNEW HE WAS ASLEEP!! GO.FIX.THIS." is nothing short of primal.

-Dining out with babies is a thing of the past. We tried taking Colty out to Aja Noodle one time....FAILURE. Screaming child + glaring looks from other diners = "uhh can you make that order to-go?" Yeah we got our meal and got the heck out of there. (I wouldn't have been surprised one bit, if they had applauded us as we walked out the door). It was awful. And since then, it will take an act of God to get me to take him to a restaurant. No. Thank you.

More than just a Poo-Venure

Confession: I occasionally bath with my baby.

Is that weird? My sister seems to think so. Oh well if it is. Anyways, we call it "Bath time with Mommy" and since he was a weee little lad, we would occasionally do this. I will never forget the first time, he had to have been under 3 months old (since we were still at 290) and I filled the tub nice and high with warm water and held him so he could float on his back and move his legs... HE LOVED IT! He was all smiles and a happy baby! Well, I believe our Bath time with Mommy has now come to an end. *sigh* He has noticed my lady lumps, the gals up top, my voluptuous mountains, my tatas. I always knew that with him being a baby I could get away with BTWM but once he realized he was a boy and I a girl, things would need to change. And while we are not THERE yet, we are close. So anyways, the other night I thought, hey it’s been a while since BTWM, so I grabbed Mr. Colty and headed upstairs. I grabbed my towel and a pair of clean jammies for him and headed into the bathroom. We stopped and did our traditional look-in-the-mirror-and-make-faces/smile and then proceeded to get ready for the bath. I turned on the water and pulled the plug to let the tub fill up, pushed in his toys from the edge of the tub, then proceeded to get C undressed. Usually we sit on the edge of the tub and I wait for the water to heat up and I undo his diaper then pick him up by his armpits as the diaper falls to the ground and then I set him into the tub. Such was the same, although midair I noticed a funny smell, and as I stood him up in the tub I thought to check the diaper that had fallen to the floor....dang it...POOP! and as I looked back into the tub, Colty had poop ALL over his booty. In panic mode, I tried to keep him standing so I could empty out all his toys so they wouldn’t get poo-water in them and I grabbed the shower head and hosed him off, praying the chunks would go down the drain without help *if you know what I mean*. Luckily they did and as I sprayed his little tushy and the surrounding tub, I noticed his washcloth had dropped into the water and GAG ME he had it in his mouth! I grabbed it and tossed it into the sink, to put into his laundry after the bath. Once the tub had been drained and the little Poo-monster rinsed clear of any clingers, we proceeded to enjoy our BTWM. Now one woulda thought that was my sign.... That the heavens were telling me not to get in the tub, but nope nope momma pressed on. And in I went. We played with his toys, lining them up on the edge of the tub and pushing them into the water, spraying him with the shower head and showing him how to catch that water in him mouth. It was mid bath time that I caught him looking at me, and I don't mean my eyes (try somethingsss below my eyes, but above my belly button, if ya know what I mean). Like he was LOOKING. Then with one little baby finger he reached out and poke poke poke. I chose to ignore it, and distract him with his toys, but again with the LOOKING. Another brave reach over and poke. Followed by a quick full hand grab, where if he could talk, I’m sure he'd have said "HONK HONK" ...Bath time over. Lesson learned. One could argue he takes after his daddy, but that would be WAY TMI, so we will just leave it alone. Lol
I guess I should have know this would be coming, especially since he has found his "little boy parts" and are fascinated it them. Well, I guess fascinated wouldn’t be the right word, more like a bit of shock and awe. Usually he is playing with a bath toy and looks down, and "hey what’s this" poke.poke. then moves on. (Sometimes there is an extra poke in there, but I usually redirect him if there is, ya know the whole "if you shake it more than twice you’re playin' with it" would apply in this case, but if you poke it more than twice... well, you get the idea. Oh well, the end of BTWM, the end of an era, means the beginning of having a big boy and no longer a baby (I heard sad music and saw a photo montage of the past year in my head as I wrote that, I’m not dramatic, what?).

Alrighty, well Happy Friday!

Reflections....

So today i was feeling reflective. And sometimes when I do that i pick a random date and read the posts from those days. Today i picked my first trimester ones. And no matter how many times i read them, they still take me back and make me cry. Now i will put a disclaimer on this. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Colton, and i would go through the exact situation again, if it meant having him here. But boy did i struggle! i STRUGGLED my first weeks of pregnancy because of my morning sickness (i abbreviate it to MS in the posts). This was one of the toughest things i went through, and I tossed back and forth over "publishing" my journals from that time to my blog. I ultimately did, obviously, for a few reasons... I wanted to be true and honest, i wanted to remember what exactly it was like and if at all possible i wanted to help someone else who may be in the same position. I also did not change or revise what i wrote from that time. I posted it as i wrote it with the exception of taking out the F-bombs and other swear words (mommas not perfect).

With that, lets take it back, back to February of 2010.....

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Come on! Lets go on a Poo-venture!

Sometimes as a parent you run into situations where you stop and think “how is this happening?” Yesterday was one. It came in the form of a poo adventure. Aka a Poo-venture!LOL clever, right?! It had been a while since Colton did a nasty poo-up-the-back-scramble-to-get-him-into-a-shower-to-clean-up kind of poo and yesterday was the day he decided to spring one on us. Now Alfie and I have two different theories when it comes to changing poopy diapers. I am of the "Let’s change him ASAP" and Alfie is more the "ehhh we need to make sure he is done, let’s give him a few minutes" Now both methods have their pros and cons, but i will find that Alfie’s is a bit more dangerous as it allows for over the diaper spillage. But anyways, back to the story. So Colton was fed and happily playing on the carpet scooting around, standing and then sitting and every which way. We noticed he had a poopy diaper and i told Alfie he better get on that (odd, but he almost never puts up a fight about changing Colton's diaper...neither of us do). Well doesn't he lay him down on the carpet...mistake #1. I gave him "the look", the one that says "we have a mat for this, so he DOESNT poo stain the carpet", grabbed the changing mat and set it out. As Alfie transferred Colty from the floor to the mat he noticed there may have been poo spillage. So instead of changing the diaper (to minimize the spillage up the back) he went checking his shirt for poop, since he had just held him. I franticly kindly reminded him he better hurry up or its gonna spill up C's back. And guess.who.was.right. ME!! Yep doesn’t he go to do a back check and it was ALLLLLL up his back. I notified Alfie I would go run the bath since it was definitely worthy of one, and from upstairs i hear "AWWWW MANNNN!! BUDDYYY!!! COME ON!!! REALLLY?! NOOOOO!" lol Oh Boy! Mama to the rescue. As i descended the stairs, trying to hide my chuckle, and wondering what in the world happened, i got a very unexpected response..."He put his elbow in the poop" LOL not quite sure how THAT happens but such is life with two Alfie’s :). With a big sigh (and praying he doesn’t pee the entire time) I grabbed under Colty’s arms and whisked him up the stairs and into the bathroom (sans diaper-risky, i know, and still wearing a poopy onesie) and attempted to rinse a poo-ed onesie enough to get it over his head without chunks in his hair. It was Nasty. I touched poop. It was all over and smelled. It was yuck. It’s a good thing he is the cutest baby alive (right up there with Madelyn) with a super happy temperament :) He makes cleaning up poop, not that awful! The things we do for our children 'eh?

Update: Crib Sleeping

Update: Crib sleeping is going AMAZING!

And with that i probably just shot myself in the foot. But anyways to update, since i just KNOW you have been on the edge of your seat anxiously wondering how Mr. Colton is doing in his crib. I am happy to report that he is doing splendid! With the exception of one night where I woke up to find him laying beside me (hmmm thanks Alf) things have gone far better than Maddicus-expected :)

Whats our trick? Wearing the poor sucker out. Instead of going down at 7 or even 7:30. We keep him up until about 8/8:30 at the MOST and usually try to give him a "snacker" (thats Alfie speak for 4oz bottle). Pair that with a lil christian radio ("more music KLOVE...kkkkkllllllooooovvvvveeee" lol ), his lovie blankey, paci and baby be strugggggling to keep his eyes open. Most often by the time i walk out of the room all crying has stopped and he is on his way to dream land. And everytime I expect a freak out and this to be the night that our ease of cribbing will be broken. Maybe this will FINALLY be an area of ease for Colty. Lord knows our adventures in feeding have not been the case.

Enter the "Chronicles of Milk".

Seeing as this momma is a lactite and daddy be rockin the acquired lactited-ness, it is no surprise that Mr. C would also struggle with milk based formula. We realized this when he would spit up A LOT after every bottle when he was a baby and finally at 3 months the doctor said we needed to switch. So we said farewell to the $19.99 GIANT container of BJ's brand formula and hello to the pricier Wegmans Gentlease. Bring on the gas. He seemed to struggle with gas and be extra fussy on this, so adios Gentlease and Hola to Soy. Soy brought on severe constipation and was our last attempt before the Financial Raping that is Similac Alimentum which is what he is on now. Down fall is that for the ittty bitty container is a whopping $25 a week. Luckily, it worked great. As C got older and started eating more food and less strictly formula, we wondered if mayyyybe it was time to try Milk based formula again. And at his 9 month appointment broached the topic with the pediatrician and they said lets give it a try. Glory A Dios! And so far so good! No tummy aches, not spitting up. He seems to be doing really well on! Our wallet is breathing a sigh of relief. Because you KNOW we were hoarding that other stuff like crack gold. But such are the new adventures in parenting we all enjoy.