1st Trimester... They don't tell you it can be awful...

Part 3:

April 16th
Just got a call from the drs and apparently my white blood cell count is higher than normal. Mine is 13 and normal is 11. She did not seem worried just thought that I could be fighting an infection, flu or virus. At this point I am numb. I just feel numb. Its like ok, this is what I have to deal with. This is my life now and who knows how long it will last but this is it. I hate that it has changed me. I feel for the most part like I am just shuffling by as the rest of the world is moving around me. Not sure if its depression, but its just numb. I don’t have the energy to be angry although in my innermost core I know I am. That and sad. But what good will tears and rage do? Only make me gag or vomit more. I guess the more accurate word would be defeated. Completely defeated. Not sure what to even think anymore. All I can say is oh well…..

April 19th
My emotional rollercoaster is beginning to make its self noticeable on my physical. Backaches and headaches. I am so stressed about how I feel and when I will begin to feel better. I no longer feel like myself. Its sad. I have been feeling so anxious all the time. Food makes me nervous. Weird I know but I get nervous that something I eat is going to make me throw up. I hate feeling nauseous. It feels like riding a spinny ride over and over and over and when you get off you feel dizzy like you are going to barf… and that’s all day long, not just here and there. I wish I had known it could be this bad…. I wish I had known. I have gotten less angry but I am still waiting for the joy and excitement to come. Its been so bad that I hate when people ask “are you excited”. Well yeah I would be if I wasn’t heaving everying I ate into the toilet and if I wasn’t feeling like my head is spinning and if I was exhausted (yes I know pregnancy makes you tired but my meds side effects is extra fatigue so BAM tired times 2) and if I wasn’t a recluse stuck in my house all weekend unable to do ANYTHING or see anyone, then yeah I would be ecstatic. But for now I have to settle on ok. Just ok. And I am sure that makes me a bad person but for now its really about all I can muster. I want to be happy when I see little babies but these days they are just over whelming. Sunday I stayed home from church because I need all the rest I can get. But I always watch online at the Fathers House. And this weeks message had my name stamped all over it. It was about going through trials and how to respond and that going through these trials give us a chance to build a foundation in the Lord in prayer, in scripture reading, in crying out to Him etc so that when we get that desire of our heart (ie making it through the trial) we have grown a tree of life in the things of God. He encouraged me to live out this trial so that while it may feel like the hardest thing we go through, when we look back that it might be a “bruising of our heel, but a crushing on the head of Satan” because of how strong we grew in Christ. I listened to that sermon and just cried. Part of me in pity over how I felt, part of me angry at God, and the other part defeated. Its still hard to think about this whole journey to date and not get sad, frusterated or defeated with how I feel physically and emotionally and at times spiritually. And sometimes I want to shake my fist at heaven and yell “this is supposed to be the best experience ever but its not, why????!!!” I can honestly say there have been times when I , between sobs, CRIED out to God begging for this cup to be taken from me. Begging him to feel better. There were times when not only I worried about my mental health (ie depression) but my mom worried about it too. I felt so alone, no friends called, no one stopped by, nothing. The most I would get would be “tell kimi we said hi and hope she feels better” once a week when alfie saw some friends. And I get people have lives and stuff but I was really struggling and feeling alone made it so much worse. There would be days when I would go sit in the bathroom stall at work and just cry, because there was nothing else I could do, and nobody understood.
Really, I don’t write this to be pitied. I write this because im not the person who is going to talk your ear off about this pregnancy. Sure I will tell it has been awful, but details are really tough to get through without crying. The emotional wounds are still pretty raw. My mind is ready to feel better but my body is not there and that is so so so tough. I write this so that when you wonder why im not over the moon yet, you know how hard this has been. And I know there will be those people who will say it was all mental and I am just being a wimp and to suck it up and to those people I happily say…Screw You… because you don’t get it.