Confession: Colton could come anyday now! How cool is that?!
Its weird/fascinating/amazing that within my body is a little baby. A boy who will eventually grow up, and have his own life, his own likes or dislikes, who will at times try my patience, call me mommy and give me hugs. But for now is snuggled within me,with legs in my ribs and little hands punching my overies (or so it feels like) It really makes you think, "how can people NOT believe in God" When you think about how intracate, precise and complex the body is, its hard to believe that someone/something other than a loving God, could knit us together so wonderfully.
Well Colton, all we now need is you to arrive. The bedding is done (thanks to Mamsita's hard work) the crib is set up and the dresser is getting full of tiny little outfits lovingly picked with him in mind. And soon this awful thing called pregnancy will be over! PRAISE THE LORD! Talk about a time when the end more than justifies the means, or atleast in my case it did. I envy those women with easy pregnancy and NO a hard labor does not equate to a hard pregnancy. 9months is not equal to 24,48,64hrs of labor (unless of course you had a c-section, then that trumps it...lol)
I am not sure why but i am oddly fascinated by labor stories. I thrive on being prepared and knowing possible outcomes, part of which is why i had a hard time emotionally with this pregnancy. I didnt know it could be that bad. So with labor, i fully expect it to be awful but knowing in a "few" hours my little Colty with be there makes it all bearable. I can endure HOURS of torture for him right? I will admit though that i have a mild fear of getting an episeotamy, or a giant tear. But i am not nervous about the pushing or the pain and i try my best to practice my breathing and relaxing techniques when i am uncomfortable. And i have a great support system coming into it with me: Alfie, Mom and Susan, and i have already given myself the okay for this limited time to cuss up a storm if it helps! lol (and i warned mom)
The biggest mystery will be what he looks like. Will he have crazy curly hair or will it be straight like alfies? blonde or brunette? blue eyes or black (mine are crazy dark brown so i call them black)? light skinned or mocha? The count down is here (18 days) and i am anxiously awating being able to post the "im in labor" status on FB and sending the "im in labor"text to friends and most importantly the "Im in labor" phone call to our parents and siblings. But beyond being anxious, I am HAPPILY awaiting the new addition to love and cuddle, hug and have as my little mommas boy :) 18 days... thats 432 hrs...thats so close. And i for one can not wait!!!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
A lil bleeding is good for the soul....
Confession: I didnt know you can get nosebleeds with pregnancy, i always thought nosebleeds were things certain people only got, like allergies. I had no idea that they can be a normal occurance during pregnancy. But then again in my mind pregnancy was this 9 months of glory and bliss where sure you feel tired and slightly nauseous but you also feel beautiful and relatively comfortable....FALSE.... silly me! (luckily i have noooo such ideas about labor being that way, i know that part will SUCK!) But anyways, back on to the nosebleeds. I think in my entire life i have maybe had 1 or 2, but since being pregnant i have had 6, starting at around 6 months. The odd thing is they come in pairs. So if i get one today, chances are i will get another one within a few days. There are also things that i now know will set them off. If i have been crying (thanks hormones) or if i am stuffy or if its too dry in a room (like cause the AC has been on thanks to this HOT weather), instant nosebleed. Well i got a nosebleed the other day so i should have known that it would be only a matter of time before the second one. Luckily though I have always been at home for them so its pretty easy, roll up some TP and shove it in the nostril and go about business. Only once was it out....and i was at Wegmans....eating a sub....definitely wasnt hungry after!
Well this most recent nosebleed was certainly memorable! And while i was NOT chuckling this morning when it happened i can now look back and see its humor and think "Man! only me!!" LOL
Well as i mentioned, I had one the other day at home, so I should have expected to have another one within a few days. To start the morning off i had already sat in traffic for 20 mins to get from 250 to Hard Rd on 104 because of an accident i didnt know about. And anyone who knows webster knows that i could have gone a BILLON ways to bypass that stretch of highway. So already i was in a yuck mood and running late. But oh well, as I was juuuust getting off of 104 and onto 390 this morning I rubbed my nose and felt like i had something in it. SO i keep rubbing it and then it felt better. But just as suddenly as i felt better, i felt this trickling down my throat (nasty I know) and CRAP knew instanly what was happening. When I wiped again (in hopes that maybe i was wrong) i was met with a bright red suprise and BAM the bloodgates (haha instead of flood gates) opened. Now my nosebleeds have not been trickles of blood, no these have been like someone punched me in the nose and its flowing pretty good. Ofcourse, because my car is not baby proofed yet, I did not have ANY tissues or napkins handy, all I had was an empty Wegmans muffin bag from the half muffin I had for breakfast. So there I am driving with one hand and trying to stop the bleeding with the other by trying to keep it from dripping on me with a wax paper bag! Which by the way was not successful, it got ALL over my right hand and my cheek/chin AND a few drops on my seatbelt. When i finally looked in the mirror it looked like i was in a fight. I was eventually able to get off 390 at the Canal Ponds exit and pull into a parking lot and did some digging around only to find a maxi pad, ironic , that I could use to attempt to mop up the blood (but mind you its still bleeding). Finally, when i was able to clean off some of what was on my face, I sucked it up and went into the building I was in the parking lot of, ironic again, it turned out to be a Unity Health Care place. I walk in the door (with a pad up to my nose) and am waiting to talk to someone from the front desk to ask if i can use their bathroom, when a patient in the lobby comes up to me and points me to the bathroom with a "i can see you need to use the bathroom, its right over there". I thanked her and booked it into the bathroom and grabbed some TP and went to work on the bloodbath that was happening across my face! With a few quick mops wipes of wet toilet paper to my face i was able to grab my go-to nosebleed stopper (a small square of toilet paper folded then rolled and shoved up my nose) and head back to my car. Thankfully by the time i got to work i was able to take out the rolled TP and no one could tell
to use the bathroom and get cleaned up and get toilet paper to shove up my nose until I got to work. It was certainly a memorable morning!!
As a side note to this blog, i was sharing this story with my girls at one of the showers and low and behold, guess what happened? NOSEBLEED! lol my neice Annah definitely thought i looked silly rocking some rolled up toilet paper shoved up my nose :)
Well this most recent nosebleed was certainly memorable! And while i was NOT chuckling this morning when it happened i can now look back and see its humor and think "Man! only me!!" LOL
Well as i mentioned, I had one the other day at home, so I should have expected to have another one within a few days. To start the morning off i had already sat in traffic for 20 mins to get from 250 to Hard Rd on 104 because of an accident i didnt know about. And anyone who knows webster knows that i could have gone a BILLON ways to bypass that stretch of highway. So already i was in a yuck mood and running late. But oh well, as I was juuuust getting off of 104 and onto 390 this morning I rubbed my nose and felt like i had something in it. SO i keep rubbing it and then it felt better. But just as suddenly as i felt better, i felt this trickling down my throat (nasty I know) and CRAP knew instanly what was happening. When I wiped again (in hopes that maybe i was wrong) i was met with a bright red suprise and BAM the bloodgates (haha instead of flood gates) opened. Now my nosebleeds have not been trickles of blood, no these have been like someone punched me in the nose and its flowing pretty good. Ofcourse, because my car is not baby proofed yet, I did not have ANY tissues or napkins handy, all I had was an empty Wegmans muffin bag from the half muffin I had for breakfast. So there I am driving with one hand and trying to stop the bleeding with the other by trying to keep it from dripping on me with a wax paper bag! Which by the way was not successful, it got ALL over my right hand and my cheek/chin AND a few drops on my seatbelt. When i finally looked in the mirror it looked like i was in a fight. I was eventually able to get off 390 at the Canal Ponds exit and pull into a parking lot and did some digging around only to find a maxi pad, ironic , that I could use to attempt to mop up the blood (but mind you its still bleeding). Finally, when i was able to clean off some of what was on my face, I sucked it up and went into the building I was in the parking lot of, ironic again, it turned out to be a Unity Health Care place. I walk in the door (with a pad up to my nose) and am waiting to talk to someone from the front desk to ask if i can use their bathroom, when a patient in the lobby comes up to me and points me to the bathroom with a "i can see you need to use the bathroom, its right over there". I thanked her and booked it into the bathroom and grabbed some TP and went to work on the bloodbath that was happening across my face! With a few quick mops wipes of wet toilet paper to my face i was able to grab my go-to nosebleed stopper (a small square of toilet paper folded then rolled and shoved up my nose) and head back to my car. Thankfully by the time i got to work i was able to take out the rolled TP and no one could tell
to use the bathroom and get cleaned up and get toilet paper to shove up my nose until I got to work. It was certainly a memorable morning!!
As a side note to this blog, i was sharing this story with my girls at one of the showers and low and behold, guess what happened? NOSEBLEED! lol my neice Annah definitely thought i looked silly rocking some rolled up toilet paper shoved up my nose :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Lets Play Catch-Up....
So i realized that it has been probably weeks...ok months since i last posted. So lets see what has been happening since April??
April: weeks 10-13; This was still a tough month for me. I was nearing the end of my first trimester and with one hospital re-hydration visit under my belt i was hoping and praying (ok begging is more like it) that the morning sickness would be pretty much over. No such luck. Weekends and evenings were pretty much spent on the couch or in bed with lots of tears and trips to hang with my new best friend: MR. Toilet Bowl. Food aversions: onions, pickles, hamburger, grapes, pizza, tortilla chips (primarily anything i threw up). Food cravings: nothing but i was ok eating broth or ramen noodles.
May: weeks 14-17; still very sick. Entered into the 2nd trimester and hoped for some relief. Instead i got hospital re-hydration trip #2 around week 15. Atleast with that trip, the doctors finally believed me and gave a long prescription for the only medicine that worked...Zofran. When on the meds i could eat like normal, when off, i would revert to my first trimester sick. Not fun at all. Major downfall was the extreme drowsiness of the meds and the way it affected my bowels. But atleast i could eat and drink. On the up side it was week 17 that i felt Colton move for the first time. I was sitting at my desk at work and with a few little flutters i felt him. And it did feel a lot like when you get the butterflies in your stomach.
June: weeks 18-22; still in the second trimester but finally finally FINALLY feeling good!! Still on the medicine twice a day but atleast being able to function. Also started to enjoy the pregnancy and allow myself to be happy and excited for the baby to come :) The month started out very fun as i was able to find out the sex of the baby and after finally coming to grips with the fact that i just KNEW i was going to have a boy, we found out that a lil Alfie was going to be coming our way :) We chose a name, which by the way was quite the struggle. alfie was determined to have an alfred 4th, while i was not so thrilled with that. His disclaimer is that he told me he wanted an Alfred the 4th on our first date! Okay, im sorry but that doesnt count. Does one really think about that seriously as a make or break on the first date? And i probably thought i would get him to change his mind at some point. No such luck. The interesting part is Colton is not alfie's middle name. That was an agreed upon name based on the fact that his grandpa was really named Alfredo Franscisco. then alfie's dad was Alfred 2nd. So i told him the least he could do was give me a middle name. And hence the Alfred Colton. By the close of the month, around week 21 i was able to come off the medicine.... actually it was on Father's Day that i took the last dose and went without the medicine and without any negative side effects. Me at the end of 21 weeks.
July:weeks 23-26; July was filled with feeling good. Although i had one minor blimp with a cold that was going around and alfie did his best to make sure i got it! LOL despite all my attempts to stay healthy. On the plus side, july was filled with lots and lots and lots of parties! Grad parties, July 4th parties, a pool party and lots of fun memories. On the down side it was also hotter than hot and caused pregnant me lots of discomfort. Many days i would come home from work and head right to the bedroom where i would crank the AC unit on a super low setting :) I ended the month with a doctors visit in which all was well and got the prep fluid for the dreaded glucose test... We also ordered the crib and purchased a dresser for the nursery this month! it was fun to see the room start to take shape. AND finally picked the fabric for the bumper, crib skirt and curtains (its navy blue, and lime green plaid with different shades of each color in it)
August: weeks 27-30; August started out sweet... literally, as i took the glucose test. I was not looking forward to the fruit punch flavored drink they gave me, as i don't even enjoy hawaiian punch fruit punch, cause its too sweet, so i could only imagine how nasty it was going to be. But thankfully chilled (as they recommended) it was not bad at all. I did get SUPER tired after and worried that that was indicitive of gestational diabetes. Thankfully though the drs. have not mentioned that to be true so i think i am in the clear. At 29 weeks, alfie and i celebrated our 2 year anniversary by going to Prime Steakhouse (very yummy) and today at my 30 week appointment all is well, with the exception of getting fat (more my analysis and those who like to comment on how big i am than the doctors... i know they are referring to the belly, but the mirror and scale are telling me otherwise) By now, most of my food aversions are gone with the exception of pickles. Onions were the most recent food aversion to get over, which is odd because i LOVE onions! I also LOVE pickles but the thought of eating them is stil yuck. I still get "haunted" by the memories of throwing up everytime i walk into the bathroom at work and smell the cleaner. Its weird how i can instantly go back to those moments. Another plus for this month is that Blue Eyes (aka Chris-Susans bf) painted Coltons nursery for us. It came out wonderful! The blue is the right shade for a lil boy without being too pale or too bright. We also took our birthing class, which lets just say was an "experience" not bad, but actually pretty good. I say "experience" because we did it in a 1 day 7hr session, which made for a loooooong saturday. But on the up side i do feel well prepared for labor, although in Alfs mind its gonna go all out the window when the time comes...thanks hun. Which is why i will be teaching Susan how to help with the relaxation and breathing techniques.
And that has been the few months in recap. I need to get back into my blogging as i will have lots to share. But lets see whats on the horizon....
September: weeks 31-35; 2 baby showers,
October: weeks 36 -39; alfies birthday and a 3rd baby shower
November: week 40 - DUE DATE!! also have Colton's First Thanksgiving
December - Coltons First Christmas :)
January - Back to work :/
April: weeks 10-13; This was still a tough month for me. I was nearing the end of my first trimester and with one hospital re-hydration visit under my belt i was hoping and praying (ok begging is more like it) that the morning sickness would be pretty much over. No such luck. Weekends and evenings were pretty much spent on the couch or in bed with lots of tears and trips to hang with my new best friend: MR. Toilet Bowl. Food aversions: onions, pickles, hamburger, grapes, pizza, tortilla chips (primarily anything i threw up). Food cravings: nothing but i was ok eating broth or ramen noodles.
May: weeks 14-17; still very sick. Entered into the 2nd trimester and hoped for some relief. Instead i got hospital re-hydration trip #2 around week 15. Atleast with that trip, the doctors finally believed me and gave a long prescription for the only medicine that worked...Zofran. When on the meds i could eat like normal, when off, i would revert to my first trimester sick. Not fun at all. Major downfall was the extreme drowsiness of the meds and the way it affected my bowels. But atleast i could eat and drink. On the up side it was week 17 that i felt Colton move for the first time. I was sitting at my desk at work and with a few little flutters i felt him. And it did feel a lot like when you get the butterflies in your stomach.
June: weeks 18-22; still in the second trimester but finally finally FINALLY feeling good!! Still on the medicine twice a day but atleast being able to function. Also started to enjoy the pregnancy and allow myself to be happy and excited for the baby to come :) The month started out very fun as i was able to find out the sex of the baby and after finally coming to grips with the fact that i just KNEW i was going to have a boy, we found out that a lil Alfie was going to be coming our way :) We chose a name, which by the way was quite the struggle.
July:weeks 23-26; July was filled with feeling good. Although i had one minor blimp with a cold that was going around and alfie did his best to make sure i got it! LOL despite all my attempts to stay healthy. On the plus side, july was filled with lots and lots and lots of parties! Grad parties, July 4th parties, a pool party and lots of fun memories. On the down side it was also hotter than hot and caused pregnant me lots of discomfort. Many days i would come home from work and head right to the bedroom where i would crank the AC unit on a super low setting :) I ended the month with a doctors visit in which all was well and got the prep fluid for the dreaded glucose test... We also ordered the crib and purchased a dresser for the nursery this month! it was fun to see the room start to take shape. AND finally picked the fabric for the bumper, crib skirt and curtains (its navy blue, and lime green plaid with different shades of each color in it)
August: weeks 27-30; August started out sweet... literally, as i took the glucose test. I was not looking forward to the fruit punch flavored drink they gave me, as i don't even enjoy hawaiian punch fruit punch, cause its too sweet, so i could only imagine how nasty it was going to be. But thankfully chilled (as they recommended) it was not bad at all. I did get SUPER tired after and worried that that was indicitive of gestational diabetes. Thankfully though the drs. have not mentioned that to be true so i think i am in the clear. At 29 weeks, alfie and i celebrated our 2 year anniversary by going to Prime Steakhouse (very yummy) and today at my 30 week appointment all is well, with the exception of getting fat (more my analysis and those who like to comment on how big i am than the doctors... i know they are referring to the belly, but the mirror and scale are telling me otherwise) By now, most of my food aversions are gone with the exception of pickles. Onions were the most recent food aversion to get over, which is odd because i LOVE onions! I also LOVE pickles but the thought of eating them is stil yuck. I still get "haunted" by the memories of throwing up everytime i walk into the bathroom at work and smell the cleaner. Its weird how i can instantly go back to those moments. Another plus for this month is that Blue Eyes (aka Chris-Susans bf) painted Coltons nursery for us. It came out wonderful! The blue is the right shade for a lil boy without being too pale or too bright. We also took our birthing class, which lets just say was an "experience" not bad, but actually pretty good. I say "experience" because we did it in a 1 day 7hr session, which made for a loooooong saturday. But on the up side i do feel well prepared for labor, although in Alfs mind its gonna go all out the window when the time comes...thanks hun. Which is why i will be teaching Susan how to help with the relaxation and breathing techniques.
And that has been the few months in recap. I need to get back into my blogging as i will have lots to share. But lets see whats on the horizon....
September: weeks 31-35; 2 baby showers,
October: weeks 36 -39; alfies birthday and a 3rd baby shower
November: week 40 - DUE DATE!! also have Colton's First Thanksgiving
December - Coltons First Christmas :)
January - Back to work :/
Monday, April 26, 2010
I choose sharting....
Confession: I'd choose sharting! over what you ask? well actually if you have to ask then you havent read through my blog...shame on you. But i would choose to shart over the kind of sick i have been feeling. Yes thats right I would choose to shart once a week and then the remaining time have vomiting of the anus (aka diarrhea). Is that crazy? Maybe.Probably.... buttttt i feel 100% sure that i would rather have a raw bum hole than the nausea and vomiting that i have daily. Plus if you think about it, peoples reactions to chronic diarrhea are MUCH different than their reaction to vomit. I mean you tell people you threw up and its "ohh that sucks, wanna come hang out?" (as if duh you throw up and feel awesome after it....fools) while if you tell people you are peeing your poo out your booty they practically BEG you to stay home so that A. you don't rankify their bathroom and home and B. so that you don't risk poo-ing all over yourself in their vacinity. How often do you even hear of people going to the hospital for severe dehydration due to chronic diarrhea? I certainly haven't!! The only downside is the clean up. Sharting leads itself to a very messy clean up everytime, involving a shower and laundry. BUT with the claim of sharting once a week, with diarrhea the remaining time, one can assume that the all other times would be safely on the toilet. Meaning that that ONE messy clean up wouldnt be that bad.... much better than getting vomit splashed back into your face and on your clothes from hitting the water in the toilet (yeah been there done that, multiple times) PLUS you could wear a diaper if so desired, there is no vomit version to that...other than maybe carrying a barf bucket, which isnt exactly the same. You can poo yourself and be chatting with someone and they wouldnt even know. You can't really be talking to someone and blow chunks into a bucket and not expect them to notice that!!
At any rate, i stick with my decision snd firmly choose sharting!
At any rate, i stick with my decision snd firmly choose sharting!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
1st Trimester... They don't tell you it can be awful...
Part 3:
April 16th
Just got a call from the drs and apparently my white blood cell count is higher than normal. Mine is 13 and normal is 11. She did not seem worried just thought that I could be fighting an infection, flu or virus. At this point I am numb. I just feel numb. Its like ok, this is what I have to deal with. This is my life now and who knows how long it will last but this is it. I hate that it has changed me. I feel for the most part like I am just shuffling by as the rest of the world is moving around me. Not sure if its depression, but its just numb. I don’t have the energy to be angry although in my innermost core I know I am. That and sad. But what good will tears and rage do? Only make me gag or vomit more. I guess the more accurate word would be defeated. Completely defeated. Not sure what to even think anymore. All I can say is oh well…..
April 19th
My emotional rollercoaster is beginning to make its self noticeable on my physical. Backaches and headaches. I am so stressed about how I feel and when I will begin to feel better. I no longer feel like myself. Its sad. I have been feeling so anxious all the time. Food makes me nervous. Weird I know but I get nervous that something I eat is going to make me throw up. I hate feeling nauseous. It feels like riding a spinny ride over and over and over and when you get off you feel dizzy like you are going to barf… and that’s all day long, not just here and there. I wish I had known it could be this bad…. I wish I had known. I have gotten less angry but I am still waiting for the joy and excitement to come. Its been so bad that I hate when people ask “are you excited”. Well yeah I would be if I wasn’t heaving everying I ate into the toilet and if I wasn’t feeling like my head is spinning and if I was exhausted (yes I know pregnancy makes you tired but my meds side effects is extra fatigue so BAM tired times 2) and if I wasn’t a recluse stuck in my house all weekend unable to do ANYTHING or see anyone, then yeah I would be ecstatic. But for now I have to settle on ok. Just ok. And I am sure that makes me a bad person but for now its really about all I can muster. I want to be happy when I see little babies but these days they are just over whelming. Sunday I stayed home from churchbecause I need all the rest I can get. But I always watch online at the Fathers House. And this weeks message had my name stamped all over it. It was about going through trials and how to respond and that going through these trials give us a chance to build a foundation in the Lord in prayer, in scripture reading, in crying out to Him etc so that when we get that desire of our heart (ie making it through the trial) we have grown a tree of life in the things of God. He encouraged me to live out this trial so that while it may feel like the hardest thing we go through, when we look back that it might be a “bruising of our heel, but a crushing on the head of Satan” because of how strong we grew in Christ. I listened to that sermon and just cried. Part of me in pity over how I felt, part of me angry at God, and the other part defeated. Its still hard to think about this whole journey to date and not get sad, frusterated or defeated with how I feel physically and emotionally and at times spiritually. And sometimes I want to shake my fist at heaven and yell “this is supposed to be the best experience ever but its not, why????!!!” I can honestly say there have been times when I , between sobs, CRIED out to God begging for this cup to be taken from me. Begging him to feel better. There were times when not only I worried about my mental health (ie depression) but my mom worried about it too. I felt so alone, no friends called, no one stopped by, nothing. The most I would get would be “tell kimi we said hi and hope she feels better” once a week when alfie saw some friends. And I get people have lives and stuff but I was really struggling and feeling alone made it so much worse. There would be days when I would go sit in the bathroom stall at work and just cry, because there was nothing else I could do, and nobody understood.
Really, I don’t write this to be pitied. I write this because im not the person who is going to talk your ear off about this pregnancy. Sure I will tell it has been awful, but details are really tough to get through without crying. The emotional wounds are still pretty raw. My mind is ready to feel better but my body is not there and that is so so so tough. I write this so that when you wonder why im not over the moon yet, you know how hard this has been. And I know there will be those people who will say it was all mental and I am just being a wimp and to suck it up and to those people I happily say…Screw You… because you don’t get it.
April 16th
Just got a call from the drs and apparently my white blood cell count is higher than normal. Mine is 13 and normal is 11. She did not seem worried just thought that I could be fighting an infection, flu or virus. At this point I am numb. I just feel numb. Its like ok, this is what I have to deal with. This is my life now and who knows how long it will last but this is it. I hate that it has changed me. I feel for the most part like I am just shuffling by as the rest of the world is moving around me. Not sure if its depression, but its just numb. I don’t have the energy to be angry although in my innermost core I know I am. That and sad. But what good will tears and rage do? Only make me gag or vomit more. I guess the more accurate word would be defeated. Completely defeated. Not sure what to even think anymore. All I can say is oh well…..
April 19th
My emotional rollercoaster is beginning to make its self noticeable on my physical. Backaches and headaches. I am so stressed about how I feel and when I will begin to feel better. I no longer feel like myself. Its sad. I have been feeling so anxious all the time. Food makes me nervous. Weird I know but I get nervous that something I eat is going to make me throw up. I hate feeling nauseous. It feels like riding a spinny ride over and over and over and when you get off you feel dizzy like you are going to barf… and that’s all day long, not just here and there. I wish I had known it could be this bad…. I wish I had known. I have gotten less angry but I am still waiting for the joy and excitement to come. Its been so bad that I hate when people ask “are you excited”. Well yeah I would be if I wasn’t heaving everying I ate into the toilet and if I wasn’t feeling like my head is spinning and if I was exhausted (yes I know pregnancy makes you tired but my meds side effects is extra fatigue so BAM tired times 2) and if I wasn’t a recluse stuck in my house all weekend unable to do ANYTHING or see anyone, then yeah I would be ecstatic. But for now I have to settle on ok. Just ok. And I am sure that makes me a bad person but for now its really about all I can muster. I want to be happy when I see little babies but these days they are just over whelming. Sunday I stayed home from church
Really, I don’t write this to be pitied. I write this because im not the person who is going to talk your ear off about this pregnancy. Sure I will tell it has been awful, but details are really tough to get through without crying. The emotional wounds are still pretty raw. My mind is ready to feel better but my body is not there and that is so so so tough. I write this so that when you wonder why im not over the moon yet, you know how hard this has been. And I know there will be those people who will say it was all mental and I am just being a wimp and to suck it up and to those people I happily say…Screw You… because you don’t get it.
1st Trimester... They don't tell you it can be awful
Part 2:
April 6th
Today I am just defeated. Im mad, im angry im pissed off. Im mad at people who didn’t have to go through this. Im mad at alfie for not having to feel this way. Im mad at feeling so sick and tired. I hate that I cant do anything. I cant even take a poop. Everything is a massive ordeal. I have zero desire to be happy and zero desire to do anything. I look forward to going home so I don’t have to fake being ok like I do at work. I wish people understood. Anyone understood. I just want me back. I don’t want this anymore. I thought this is supposed to be the greatest time in your life. I hate the people who say “I loved being pregnant” well you know what, I wish this on you. I hope that next time you are so sick you cant get out of bed. That you lay there and think, “God, is this what Kimi went through?” Im not hungry, I don’t want to eat, but I force myself to eat because the consequence is vomiting and nausea. You try eating when you have no desire to and when you aren’t the least bit hungry. Its not fun to force feed yourself. I just wish this was different. If I could lay in bed everyday all day I probably would. Im even tired of the couch. Im just going to hole up in my bed and cry.
Today is just bad. I am so angry. So angry. I want people to feel how I feel both physically and emotionally.
April 9th
Today I am tired but at the same time numb. When its me alone with my thoughts its just nothing. No joy , no happiness, no excitement. Just quiet and numb. Im so tired of feeling this way. Is it just me? Am I crazy? Was it not this bad for everyone? And if not then why do I need to go through this. I think about the other friends of mine who are pregnant or had a baby and I get so frusterated because I want to be ok. I want to enjoy this but I cant. I get so down…so down. Man I am tired today. I guess I did too much yesterday. One of the most frusterating parts is that I am not hungry. Not at all. But I have to keep eating so that I don’t feel nauseaous. But how do you eat when nothing sounds good and you aren’t even hungry?
April 14th
So I met someone…not in the way you think. I finally reached out for help on the HG site (Hypermesis Gravidarum - which was the ER diagnosis). And I found someone in Webster who has been through this. She had it far worse. She had to have a Picc line put in and everything, she even had to quit her job at 8 weeks because it was so bad. I wish I could do that. Today started out ok, but the long days wear on you. Im exhausted and my body actually aches today. My shoulders feel so tense and tight and my head feels super heavy. My stomach is growling but I have zero desire to eat. The thought alone makes me want to gag. I still feel alone often and still feel so drained and empty. Im not myself anymore. I feel like im being taken from the inside out. This is just so much more than I thought it would be.I weighted myself yesterday and was down 8 lbs, 9lbs if you count when I weighted myself in the middle of the night. Im just so tired of feeling like this.
Part 3
April 6th
Today I am just defeated. Im mad, im angry im pissed off. Im mad at people who didn’t have to go through this. Im mad at alfie for not having to feel this way. Im mad at feeling so sick and tired. I hate that I cant do anything. I cant even take a poop. Everything is a massive ordeal. I have zero desire to be happy and zero desire to do anything. I look forward to going home so I don’t have to fake being ok like I do at work. I wish people understood. Anyone understood. I just want me back. I don’t want this anymore. I thought this is supposed to be the greatest time in your life. I hate the people who say “I loved being pregnant” well you know what, I wish this on you. I hope that next time you are so sick you cant get out of bed. That you lay there and think, “God, is this what Kimi went through?” Im not hungry, I don’t want to eat, but I force myself to eat because the consequence is vomiting and nausea. You try eating when you have no desire to and when you aren’t the least bit hungry. Its not fun to force feed yourself. I just wish this was different. If I could lay in bed everyday all day I probably would. Im even tired of the couch. Im just going to hole up in my bed and cry.
Today is just bad. I am so angry. So angry. I want people to feel how I feel both physically and emotionally.
April 9th
Today I am tired but at the same time numb. When its me alone with my thoughts its just nothing. No joy , no happiness, no excitement. Just quiet and numb. Im so tired of feeling this way. Is it just me? Am I crazy? Was it not this bad for everyone? And if not then why do I need to go through this. I think about the other friends of mine who are pregnant or had a baby and I get so frusterated because I want to be ok. I want to enjoy this but I cant. I get so down…so down. Man I am tired today. I guess I did too much yesterday. One of the most frusterating parts is that I am not hungry. Not at all. But I have to keep eating so that I don’t feel nauseaous. But how do you eat when nothing sounds good and you aren’t even hungry?
April 14th
So I met someone…not in the way you think. I finally reached out for help on the HG site (Hypermesis Gravidarum - which was the ER diagnosis). And I found someone in Webster who has been through this. She had it far worse. She had to have a Picc line put in and everything, she even had to quit her job at 8 weeks because it was so bad. I wish I could do that. Today started out ok, but the long days wear on you. Im exhausted and my body actually aches today. My shoulders feel so tense and tight and my head feels super heavy. My stomach is growling but I have zero desire to eat. The thought alone makes me want to gag. I still feel alone often and still feel so drained and empty. Im not myself anymore. I feel like im being taken from the inside out. This is just so much more than I thought it would be.I weighted myself yesterday and was down 8 lbs, 9lbs if you count when I weighted myself in the middle of the night. Im just so tired of feeling like this.
Part 3
1st Trimester...They don't tell you it can be awful...
Confession: I have had a very tough pregnancy so far. From initially finding out and the drs thinking it was ectopic to being severely sick with vomiting and nausea to being in the ER to intense sadness and depression over feeling so sick. Midway through this ordeal i needed an outlet, i needed to write. And i did, honestly, openly, angrily, and sadly. So here they are, words and feelings from some tough times.I will separate into multiple posts... Don't hate, don't judge just pray :) .....
Part 1: April 5th
I have felt so sick. Right now I am 10 weeks and feel tolerable. The MS started promptly at 6wks. And it hit me like a truck. I started off just dry heaving every morning and then gradually moved to full on throwing up. It was tough to make it into work and all I did was cry at how awful I felt. I was resentful that none of my friends had to go through this. I was missing work and the mere thought of eating turned my stomach. That’s when the real fun began. I finally called the doctor and he put me on the generic version of phenergan, but because I couldn’t keep things down I couldn’t tolerate swallowing pills because of the large amount of fluids inorder to do so. So the prescribed suppositories. I would take them religiously ever 4-6hrs even throughout the day at work. Its just awful and you feel so discusting pushing meds into your bum. But although it worked, it knocked me out for a good 2-3hrs and when I woke I felt so fuzzy and out of it. It was even worse if I tried to fight the sleep, which is what I would have to do for work. I constantly felt out of it like I couldn’t focus and couldn’t work. Meanwhile I was still having trouble eating and drinking. My body just turned nauseous at the thought of food and even fluids grossed me out. I finally called the dr again and asked for something else, I couldn’t stay awake and the meds were making me unable to function at work. They offered to half the dosage and see if it helped. Unfortunately that day I called was a bad day. I threw up 3 times before work, and another 2 times at work all before 11. I finally had to tell my supervisor and was sick again in the bathroom right after. Needless to say I went home. Promptly threw up when I got there. Had food…threw up, drank, threw up and the cycle went on. They had called my half dose meds and I picked them up at 3 and took them. They did nothing. I tried eating dinner that night and nothing stayed down. I was getting weaker and weaker with each vomit. My body was shot and I remember just crying and feeling awful. I took a second dose at 10 and went to bed. As I laid in bed I knew something was wrong. I knew it just didn’t feel right. My body was not supposed to feel like this. I called mom and asked her how I knew it was time to go to the hospital. She said you need to call the obgyn emergency line. So I called and told them my symptoms (I was 7weeks….March 18th) and they said I need to go the emergency room. So at 10pm alfie and I went and called mom on the way. Her and dad met us there. Praise the Lord it was a slow night there and I was able to get in to be seen quickly. They gave me 2.5-3 bags of IV and then something to eat and by 4am we were on our way home. Friday I stayed home from work and rested the remainder of the weekend. I wouldn’t say I felt great but I felt hydrated atleast. But come Monday I began to lag again and the vomiting returned. Mon, Tues and again on Wed I felt like I was starting to relapse back to where I would end up in the hospital again. I called the dr, feeling like I was beginning to sound like a broken record and asked for something to help with the vomiting. They finally prescribed Zofran, which is usually prescribed to chemo/radiation patients for their nausea. I took it and within 30mins I could notice a difference. I was able to keep food down and fluids and I was less nauseous. Took that for 10days and was supposed to go off and try it without meds for a day or so and then call for a refill if the vomiting returned. Well I didn’t let myself take that chance. I just called and asked for a refill and they gave it to me (ofcourse I had to pretend that I went off of it for a day or so). But in an effort to be true to the process I attempted to ween myself from 2 pills to 1. It seemed to work ok on Friday and Saturday, although by evening Saturday I needed to take it as I started to feel sick again. And same with Sunday. That brings us to today, Monday April 5th. The day started out rocky,I don’t know if I was overly tired or just dreading work and the inablility to rest all day. Either way, I felt nauseous as a I got up, but I forced myself to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast. When I got to work I had some craisins, half a bagel and then some goya cookies. Then it was time for lunch. By then I didn’t feel great but knew I had to eat something or I would feel worse, so I had a breaded chicken sandwich. It didn’t look greasy and I figured chicken with bread is probably a safe bet. FALSE. I ate it and by 1 had thrown everything up. And I mean everything. I nursed a yogurt after and am now sipping an ensure in hopes that they will stay down.
People don’t tell you about this side of pregnancy. They don’t tell you how hurt you feel or how people look at you like you are just a wimp and need to suck it up. They don’t tell you that every trick in the book doesn’t even touch your vomiting or nausea. Or that if you don’t have the luxery of staying home and resting then you are screwed. I wish people understood. I wish friends got it. I wish they really knew what it was like to feel so sick that you cant even think about having a baby or that joy. That all you think about is what can I eat that wont make me throw up, or how long until I can lay down. They don’t tell you that you get so angry that you cant do anything about it. That the simple act of taking a shower completely drains you. That you will eat then throw up and drink then throw up and all you can do it cry while you cool off by laying on the bathroom floor. Or that when no ones around you crawl from the bathroom to the couch because standing is too much work. No people don’t tell you that part. They don’t say that you get depressed. That you get so sad because you worry what if you cant bond with this baby because of how sick you feel. That you want to physically hurt people who tell you try eating small meals, as if that will help. That you don’t hang out with friends because you are too tired to move and to embarrassed to have people see the mess you and your house has become. That every waking moment you pray for relief. Yeah, they don’t tell you that… So I will. Ill tell you that it has been hell. That the only way to describe it is to have food poisoning + a horrible hangover all day 24hrs. I’ll tell you that I will seriously consider this as our only child. I will tell you that you can’t even think past the next hour. I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, yet sadly I do wish someone I knew felt like this, so I wouldn’t feel alone. Nope no one tells you this is the worst sick you have ever been in your entire life. They just look at you with those sad eyes and you just want to scream. That you just want to rip out your uterus and forgo the chance of having kids… that you actually tell your sister to adopt and to never get pregnant. That all you want to do is cry, breakdown and cry when people ask how you feel so that maybe through those tears they would get it. You lose weight from all the vomiting….5 or 6lbs so far. You take baths because standing for showers is too much. So you cant wash your hair unless you kneel and put your head under the spout in the bath. You cant blow dry your hair because you are so weak. I have never known what it was like to feel like you are dying but If I had to guess, id say it felt an awful lot like this.
I don’t write this for pity. I write this for understanding. So that when I say, “my morning sickness has been bad” you understand the understatement that that is. So that the next time someone else says they are having bad morning sickness, you get it and you keep your mouth shut. So that you pray, you petition, you BEG God for relief for this person.
Part 2
Part 1: April 5th
I have felt so sick. Right now I am 10 weeks and feel tolerable. The MS started promptly at 6wks. And it hit me like a truck. I started off just dry heaving every morning and then gradually moved to full on throwing up. It was tough to make it into work and all I did was cry at how awful I felt. I was resentful that none of my friends had to go through this. I was missing work and the mere thought of eating turned my stomach. That’s when the real fun began. I finally called the doctor and he put me on the generic version of phenergan, but because I couldn’t keep things down I couldn’t tolerate swallowing pills because of the large amount of fluids inorder to do so. So the prescribed suppositories. I would take them religiously ever 4-6hrs even throughout the day at work. Its just awful and you feel so discusting pushing meds into your bum. But although it worked, it knocked me out for a good 2-3hrs and when I woke I felt so fuzzy and out of it. It was even worse if I tried to fight the sleep, which is what I would have to do for work. I constantly felt out of it like I couldn’t focus and couldn’t work. Meanwhile I was still having trouble eating and drinking. My body just turned nauseous at the thought of food and even fluids grossed me out. I finally called the dr again and asked for something else, I couldn’t stay awake and the meds were making me unable to function at work. They offered to half the dosage and see if it helped. Unfortunately that day I called was a bad day. I threw up 3 times before work, and another 2 times at work all before 11. I finally had to tell my supervisor and was sick again in the bathroom right after. Needless to say I went home. Promptly threw up when I got there. Had food…threw up, drank, threw up and the cycle went on. They had called my half dose meds and I picked them up at 3 and took them. They did nothing. I tried eating dinner that night and nothing stayed down. I was getting weaker and weaker with each vomit. My body was shot and I remember just crying and feeling awful. I took a second dose at 10 and went to bed. As I laid in bed I knew something was wrong. I knew it just didn’t feel right. My body was not supposed to feel like this. I called mom and asked her how I knew it was time to go to the hospital. She said you need to call the obgyn emergency line. So I called and told them my symptoms (I was 7weeks….March 18th) and they said I need to go the emergency room. So at 10pm alfie and I went and called mom on the way. Her and dad met us there. Praise the Lord it was a slow night there and I was able to get in to be seen quickly. They gave me 2.5-3 bags of IV and then something to eat and by 4am we were on our way home. Friday I stayed home from work and rested the remainder of the weekend. I wouldn’t say I felt great but I felt hydrated atleast. But come Monday I began to lag again and the vomiting returned. Mon, Tues and again on Wed I felt like I was starting to relapse back to where I would end up in the hospital again. I called the dr, feeling like I was beginning to sound like a broken record and asked for something to help with the vomiting. They finally prescribed Zofran, which is usually prescribed to chemo/radiation patients for their nausea. I took it and within 30mins I could notice a difference. I was able to keep food down and fluids and I was less nauseous. Took that for 10days and was supposed to go off and try it without meds for a day or so and then call for a refill if the vomiting returned. Well I didn’t let myself take that chance. I just called and asked for a refill and they gave it to me (ofcourse I had to pretend that I went off of it for a day or so). But in an effort to be true to the process I attempted to ween myself from 2 pills to 1. It seemed to work ok on Friday and Saturday, although by evening Saturday I needed to take it as I started to feel sick again. And same with Sunday. That brings us to today, Monday April 5th. The day started out rocky,I don’t know if I was overly tired or just dreading work and the inablility to rest all day. Either way, I felt nauseous as a I got up, but I forced myself to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast. When I got to work I had some craisins, half a bagel and then some goya cookies. Then it was time for lunch. By then I didn’t feel great but knew I had to eat something or I would feel worse, so I had a breaded chicken sandwich. It didn’t look greasy and I figured chicken with bread is probably a safe bet. FALSE. I ate it and by 1 had thrown everything up. And I mean everything. I nursed a yogurt after and am now sipping an ensure in hopes that they will stay down.
People don’t tell you about this side of pregnancy. They don’t tell you how hurt you feel or how people look at you like you are just a wimp and need to suck it up. They don’t tell you that every trick in the book doesn’t even touch your vomiting or nausea. Or that if you don’t have the luxery of staying home and resting then you are screwed. I wish people understood. I wish friends got it. I wish they really knew what it was like to feel so sick that you cant even think about having a baby or that joy. That all you think about is what can I eat that wont make me throw up, or how long until I can lay down. They don’t tell you that you get so angry that you cant do anything about it. That the simple act of taking a shower completely drains you. That you will eat then throw up and drink then throw up and all you can do it cry while you cool off by laying on the bathroom floor. Or that when no ones around you crawl from the bathroom to the couch because standing is too much work. No people don’t tell you that part. They don’t say that you get depressed. That you get so sad because you worry what if you cant bond with this baby because of how sick you feel. That you want to physically hurt people who tell you try eating small meals, as if that will help. That you don’t hang out with friends because you are too tired to move and to embarrassed to have people see the mess you and your house has become. That every waking moment you pray for relief. Yeah, they don’t tell you that… So I will. Ill tell you that it has been hell. That the only way to describe it is to have food poisoning + a horrible hangover all day 24hrs. I’ll tell you that I will seriously consider this as our only child. I will tell you that you can’t even think past the next hour. I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, yet sadly I do wish someone I knew felt like this, so I wouldn’t feel alone. Nope no one tells you this is the worst sick you have ever been in your entire life. They just look at you with those sad eyes and you just want to scream. That you just want to rip out your uterus and forgo the chance of having kids… that you actually tell your sister to adopt and to never get pregnant. That all you want to do is cry, breakdown and cry when people ask how you feel so that maybe through those tears they would get it. You lose weight from all the vomiting….5 or 6lbs so far. You take baths because standing for showers is too much. So you cant wash your hair unless you kneel and put your head under the spout in the bath. You cant blow dry your hair because you are so weak. I have never known what it was like to feel like you are dying but If I had to guess, id say it felt an awful lot like this.
I don’t write this for pity. I write this for understanding. So that when I say, “my morning sickness has been bad” you understand the understatement that that is. So that the next time someone else says they are having bad morning sickness, you get it and you keep your mouth shut. So that you pray, you petition, you BEG God for relief for this person.
Part 2
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)