1st Trimester... They don't tell you it can be awful

Part 2:
April 6th
Today I am just defeated. Im mad, im angry im pissed off. Im mad at people who didn’t have to go through this. Im mad at alfie for not having to feel this way. Im mad at feeling so sick and tired. I hate that I cant do anything. I cant even take a poop. Everything is a massive ordeal. I have zero desire to be happy and zero desire to do anything. I look forward to going home so I don’t have to fake being ok like I do at work. I wish people understood. Anyone understood. I just want me back. I don’t want this anymore. I thought this is supposed to be the greatest time in your life. I hate the people who say “I loved being pregnant” well you know what, I wish this on you. I hope that next time you are so sick you cant get out of bed. That you lay there and think, “God, is this what Kimi went through?” Im not hungry, I don’t want to eat, but I force myself to eat because the consequence is vomiting and nausea. You try eating when you have no desire to and when you aren’t the least bit hungry. Its not fun to force feed yourself. I just wish this was different. If I could lay in bed everyday all day I probably would. Im even tired of the couch. Im just going to hole up in my bed and cry.

Today is just bad. I am so angry. So angry. I want people to feel how I feel both physically and emotionally.

April 9th
Today I am tired but at the same time numb. When its me alone with my thoughts its just nothing. No joy , no happiness, no excitement. Just quiet and numb. Im so tired of feeling this way. Is it just me? Am I crazy? Was it not this bad for everyone? And if not then why do I need to go through this. I think about the other friends of mine who are pregnant or had a baby and I get so frusterated because I want to be ok. I want to enjoy this but I cant. I get so down…so down. Man I am tired today. I guess I did too much yesterday. One of the most frusterating parts is that I am not hungry. Not at all. But I have to keep eating so that I don’t feel nauseaous. But how do you eat when nothing sounds good and you aren’t even hungry?

April 14th
So I met someone…not in the way you think. I finally reached out for help on the HG site (Hypermesis Gravidarum - which was the ER diagnosis). And I found someone in Webster who has been through this. She had it far worse. She had to have a Picc line put in and everything, she even had to quit her job at 8 weeks because it was so bad. I wish I could do that. Today started out ok, but the long days wear on you. Im exhausted and my body actually aches today. My shoulders feel so tense and tight and my head feels super heavy. My stomach is growling but I have zero desire to eat. The thought alone makes me want to gag. I still feel alone often and still feel so drained and empty. Im not myself anymore. I feel like im being taken from the inside out. This is just so much more than I thought it would be.I weighted myself yesterday and was down 8 lbs, 9lbs if you count when I weighted myself in the middle of the night. Im just so tired of feeling like this.

Part 3