Confession: I have had a very tough pregnancy so far. From initially finding out and the drs thinking it was ectopic to being severely sick with vomiting and nausea to being in the ER to intense sadness and depression over feeling so sick. Midway through this ordeal i needed an outlet, i needed to write. And i did, honestly, openly, angrily, and sadly. So here they are, words and feelings from some tough times.I will separate into multiple posts... Don't hate, don't judge just pray :) .....
Part 1: April 5th
I have felt so sick. Right now I am 10 weeks and feel tolerable. The MS started promptly at 6wks. And it hit me like a truck. I started off just dry heaving every morning and then gradually moved to full on throwing up. It was tough to make it into work and all I did was cry at how awful I felt. I was resentful that none of my friends had to go through this. I was missing work and the mere thought of eating turned my stomach. That’s when the real fun began. I finally called the doctor and he put me on the generic version of phenergan, but because I couldn’t keep things down I couldn’t tolerate swallowing pills because of the large amount of fluids inorder to do so. So the prescribed suppositories. I would take them religiously ever 4-6hrs even throughout the day at work. Its just awful and you feel so discusting pushing meds into your bum. But although it worked, it knocked me out for a good 2-3hrs and when I woke I felt so fuzzy and out of it. It was even worse if I tried to fight the sleep, which is what I would have to do for work. I constantly felt out of it like I couldn’t focus and couldn’t work. Meanwhile I was still having trouble eating and drinking. My body just turned nauseous at the thought of food and even fluids grossed me out. I finally called the dr again and asked for something else, I couldn’t stay awake and the meds were making me unable to function at work. They offered to half the dosage and see if it helped. Unfortunately that day I called was a bad day. I threw up 3 times before work, and another 2 times at work all before 11. I finally had to tell my supervisor and was sick again in the bathroom right after. Needless to say I went home. Promptly threw up when I got there. Had food…threw up, drank, threw up and the cycle went on. They had called my half dose meds and I picked them up at 3 and took them. They did nothing. I tried eating dinner that night and nothing stayed down. I was getting weaker and weaker with each vomit. My body was shot and I remember just crying and feeling awful. I took a second dose at 10 and went to bed. As I laid in bed I knew something was wrong. I knew it just didn’t feel right. My body was not supposed to feel like this. I called mom and asked her how I knew it was time to go to the hospital. She said you need to call the obgyn emergency line. So I called and told them my symptoms (I was 7weeks….March 18th) and they said I need to go the emergency room. So at 10pm alfie and I went and called mom on the way. Her and dad met us there. Praise the Lord it was a slow night there and I was able to get in to be seen quickly. They gave me 2.5-3 bags of IV and then something to eat and by 4am we were on our way home. Friday I stayed home from work and rested the remainder of the weekend. I wouldn’t say I felt great but I felt hydrated atleast. But come Monday I began to lag again and the vomiting returned. Mon, Tues and again on Wed I felt like I was starting to relapse back to where I would end up in the hospital again. I called the dr, feeling like I was beginning to sound like a broken record and asked for something to help with the vomiting. They finally prescribed Zofran, which is usually prescribed to chemo/radiation patients for their nausea. I took it and within 30mins I could notice a difference. I was able to keep food down and fluids and I was less nauseous. Took that for 10days and was supposed to go off and try it without meds for a day or so and then call for a refill if the vomiting returned. Well I didn’t let myself take that chance. I just called and asked for a refill and they gave it to me (ofcourse I had to pretend that I went off of it for a day or so). But in an effort to be true to the process I attempted to ween myself from 2 pills to 1. It seemed to work ok on Friday and Saturday, although by evening Saturday I needed to take it as I started to feel sick again. And same with Sunday. That brings us to today, Monday April 5th. The day started out rocky,I don’t know if I was overly tired or just dreading work and the inablility to rest all day. Either way, I felt nauseous as a I got up, but I forced myself to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast. When I got to work I had some craisins, half a bagel and then some goya cookies. Then it was time for lunch. By then I didn’t feel great but knew I had to eat something or I would feel worse, so I had a breaded chicken sandwich. It didn’t look greasy and I figured chicken with bread is probably a safe bet. FALSE. I ate it and by 1 had thrown everything up. And I mean everything. I nursed a yogurt after and am now sipping an ensure in hopes that they will stay down.
People don’t tell you about this side of pregnancy. They don’t tell you how hurt you feel or how people look at you like you are just a wimp and need to suck it up. They don’t tell you that every trick in the book doesn’t even touch your vomiting or nausea. Or that if you don’t have the luxery of staying home and resting then you are screwed. I wish people understood. I wish friends got it. I wish they really knew what it was like to feel so sick that you cant even think about having a baby or that joy. That all you think about is what can I eat that wont make me throw up, or how long until I can lay down. They don’t tell you that you get so angry that you cant do anything about it. That the simple act of taking a shower completely drains you. That you will eat then throw up and drink then throw up and all you can do it cry while you cool off by laying on the bathroom floor. Or that when no ones around you crawl from the bathroom to the couch because standing is too much work. No people don’t tell you that part. They don’t say that you get depressed. That you get so sad because you worry what if you cant bond with this baby because of how sick you feel. That you want to physically hurt people who tell you try eating small meals, as if that will help. That you don’t hang out with friends because you are too tired to move and to embarrassed to have people see the mess you and your house has become. That every waking moment you pray for relief. Yeah, they don’t tell you that… So I will. Ill tell you that it has been hell. That the only way to describe it is to have food poisoning + a horrible hangover all day 24hrs. I’ll tell you that I will seriously consider this as our only child. I will tell you that you can’t even think past the next hour. I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, yet sadly I do wish someone I knew felt like this, so I wouldn’t feel alone. Nope no one tells you this is the worst sick you have ever been in your entire life. They just look at you with those sad eyes and you just want to scream. That you just want to rip out your uterus and forgo the chance of having kids… that you actually tell your sister to adopt and to never get pregnant. That all you want to do is cry, breakdown and cry when people ask how you feel so that maybe through those tears they would get it. You lose weight from all the vomiting….5 or 6lbs so far. You take baths because standing for showers is too much. So you cant wash your hair unless you kneel and put your head under the spout in the bath. You cant blow dry your hair because you are so weak. I have never known what it was like to feel like you are dying but If I had to guess, id say it felt an awful lot like this.
I don’t write this for pity. I write this for understanding. So that when I say, “my morning sickness has been bad” you understand the understatement that that is. So that the next time someone else says they are having bad morning sickness, you get it and you keep your mouth shut. So that you pray, you petition, you BEG God for relief for this person.
Part 2
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