Baby # 2 - First Trimester: Part 1

I hemmed and hawed over when to post these, and i thought, i might as well just get it over with. Again i blogged during the dreaded 1st trimester... In an effort to be real and honest these next 4 part blogs were my tears, my heart, and my thoughts from those early weeks....
So when Alfie and I found out we were pregnant, based on the LMC I was about 6 wks. We found out on a Wednesday and I got into the doctors to confirm by urine test by Friday. A-okay. Feeling good! I was so hopeful that this pregnancy would be much MUCH different than the last, no nausea, no vomiting. When I was at the doctors, they scheduled me for my 8wk appointments. One with the nurse to go over how the OB office worked and then the OB complete physical with the PA. By the time I went in to meet with the nurse I was starting to have bouts of nausea, okay all day nausea. But hey I wasn’t puking right? And man I was 8 wks, I could hang on for 4 more, right? So a few days after the nurse visit was the OB complete and they do the usual annual gyno visit complete with an attempt to listen for the baby’s heartbeat. So she tried and hmmm, nothing. Which she explained was not unusal given the size of the baby and the how difficult it can be to find it. But she offered me to option to either wait until my 12 week appointment or go for an ultrasound. And ofcourse I jumped at the chance to go for an ultrasound and ease any nerves. And WOO HOO they could even squeeze me in that day! So I sat with my snacks in hand on the waiting room bench until they called my name, an hour later. I laid on the ultrasound techs table and anxiously waited to see the little tiny blob appear on the screen. It does, and she finds it to start measuring. Hmmm, she says, how confident are you on your dates? I said “mehh, okay”. There is a couple week window of when it conception could have occurred. And she proceeded to tell me the baby is measuring 6wks 5 days instead of almost 9. In my head I was thinking “are you freaking kidding me?!?!” Counting back meant that Alfie and I found out at 4wks again, which made our first pregnancy feel like forever, and I am sure would make this one feel about the same. She went on to continue measuring and then measuring the heartbeat and with the confirmation of a strong steady heartbeat (consistant with a 6wk 5d baby), said all is well. She handed me a photo of the bambino and I was headed into work. Now while I was extremely happy that the baby was healthy, I was more than bummed that we were not as far along, and that I was about right around the time when I was starting to feel sick with Colton. Such was the same with baby #2. The nausea has gotten worse each day, and going from no puking to dry heaving often, made me miserable. I am trying to stay optimistic that this one will be different, but already being back on the meds at the end of week 7 was not an encouragement. I felt like a failure once again. I was discouraged that I couldn’t take it. That my pregnancy yet again was beinging to change me. That I couldn’t be fully present and functional for Colton and Alfie and that my sickness was effecting Alfie. It sucks. What people don’t realize is that I feel like a failure, like a wimp. Like people will look at me as if I just can’t do it so I resort to meds, taking the easy way out. There is a lot of emotional baggage that comes with being put back on medicine. A bit of fear, for the baby, fear for myself, fear that it will get as bad as it did last time.