11/7 – yesterday wasn’t good. And maybe everyone deals with this and it is just another crappy part of pregnancy, but for me it seems so overwhelming. How come more people don’t say how awful it is. How insanely exhausting it is to work, be a mom AND be pregnant? Praise the Lord that this time I am not puking as often, primarily just dry heaving, nauseous and so extremely tired. I know the exhaustion is the side effect of the medicine, but man sometimes my body just feels weak. But back to yesterday… all day I was nauseous… I felt like I ate a ton just to keep myself somewhat functioning and I threw up some of my fresh strawberries (gross). But it was the getting home part that was hard. I was home, trying to rest and great… I had to make dinner… something for Alfie and Colton and something different for myself. They were having pasta with red sauce that a dear friend brought over, but the heartburn from pizza (ie. The red sauce) kept me from enjoying it too. So I made plain noodles with chicken and broccoli for me…dinner of champions. The majority of the time Colton is asking to be picked up or wanting my attention and Alfie is …voting. And since he was voting and the polls swamped he asked me to warm up the sauce…
11/21 to 11/26(today) – Worst thanksgiving ever. I was able to eat but afterwards felt so sick. But lets back up. Wednesday was bad. Leigh was supposed to watch Colton that afternoon but wasn’t able to make it out and what a day for that to happen. I was in no shape to watch my own child. My body was shot, it is always shot, and I am not sure why. Anyways, luckily Susan was able to come over and really really helped out by taking care of Colty for me. That night was bad. I should have gone to the hospital, I know it. I know I needed fluids, but at 7pm we would have been in the ER for hours and what a toll that is on everyone, I just couldn’t do that to them so I sucked it up and went to bed early. Thanksgiving day was not much better. I woke up feeling gross. But we made it to moms. Unfortunately that’s as far as we got. We never made it out to the LoMags (I felt so guilty). What people don’t understand is a 10 min car ride is tough. A 20 min car ride is rough. And a 30 min car ride is torture. I can’t physically do that…on a good day. Now on a bad day, there is no way in hell I am subjecting myself to that.
It’s hard. I feel so guilty, like everything is my fault – Alfie being tired, Colton acting out, it’s all my fault. I can’t do anything. I read the other day that people use FMLA for their morning sickness and for a few minutes was hopeful until I remembered it is unpaid. We can’t do unpaid. I also feel like no one believes me. Like this is just me not being able to hack it. I read over and over information about HG to find some sort of solace that I am not crazy, that this is really happening to me, that this is not a joke or a figment of my imagination. And then there are the nurses who same thing, just chalk it up to pregnancy. But I’m sorry, when I can’t function, this is more than just morning sickness, I can barely take care of myself, let alone my home or my family.
It’s tough. I lie in bed at night and just feel so not myself. I don’t feel happy, I feel sad. I don’t feel excited I feel anxious. When will this end? How will it end? Will the baby be healthy? Am I doing more harm than good? There are so many scary thoughts and so many anxieties from last time. I didn’t think it stayed with me, I thought I had successfully moved on. But when little things cause big reactions or bigger fears, I know I haven’t gotten over last time. I think what the worst is, is that nobody really understands. I wish upon wish that people talked about this. That the doctors discussed it, that they told you about it and about how to treat it, that it wasn’t just morning sickness that they really were proactive for me. Many “survivors” of HG have PTSD. I don’t think I have that, but I for sure have lingering side effects. I get nervous and anxious a lot. “How will this sit in my stomach? Will this make me throw up? How bad will it feel coming back up? Do I want to throw this up? I better not eat it.” And that thought process is for every single thing I consider eating, that I see, or that I decide to eat. It is a similar thing for drinking. “Is this too fizzy? Will I burp and then gag? How will it sit? Does it have too much acid in it? Is it going to stay down?” It leaves me with a lot of anxiety… a lot of actual fear… a lot of sadness. Because the irony in this is I am hungry, so very hungry and so very thirsty, like living in the desert kind of thirsty. But the anxiety, the fear, the throwing up and nausea, both past and present make it hard to choose food and beverage every time, over playing it safe and not eating or drinking.
Apparently I am strong. Apparently I can endure. I have a hard time believing that but a wonderful mother who reminds me over and over when I feel I can’t do it, she reminds me. When I just want to be a defeated mess, she reminds me over and over. I need that. With Colton my lifeline was “Blessed be your name” and a recent favorite this year is “Hosanna: Praise is rising”. Both were sung on Sunday during worship and I made it through the first but couldn’t hold back the tears on the second. It was like those songs were just for me, just for my heart and just to remind me that God was in my past as he is in my present. My mind tells me I can’t do this but deep in my heart I know I have to. For me, for Alfie for Colton and for this precious life. I HAVE to be okay I HAVE to force myself when I don’t want to. Because that’s what we do, for our babies. We endure the hurt and the hardships so that they don’t have to. So that they can live pain free, hurt free and healthy. And so as with Colton, dear baby, this is my first gift to you. I WILL endure this. I WILL fight through. For you, for your tiny life that is knitted together in my womb by our loving heavenly Father. I will do this for you. Because I love you already. Because you are special to your mommy already.
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