12/6 – 12wks4d. Still on meds, still sick, still tired. This morning was rough, emotionally. I find I have a lot of that these days, emotional days. Days when I just feel defeated. I feel discouraged and sad that I don’t have the get up and go of a normal person. I am thankful that this time at least I have the excitement of being pregnant. I know the end state and can believe that it will be worth it. That I at least have. With my first I didn’t. I had no end in sight. People would say it’ll be over at 12wks. 12wks came and went and I was still sick. I have more belief in myself this time. I know when I’m bad and will tell it like it is to the doctors. I put up with a lot the first time. This time I don’t force myself as much. i.dont.feel.good.i.am.not.joking. meaning, no amount of lame guilt, by family or friends will make me attend an event. What most don’t realize is that I have triggers beyond food and smells that make me feel worse. I feel the best laying down, in the dark, in the quiet. Believe it or not, sometimes the flickering of the TV makes things worse. Even with my eyes closed, it feels like I’m on a roller coaster. And loud gatherings with people competing to talk over each other just trigger nausea.
It’s interesting. Most people have never heard of Hyperemisis Gravidarum (HG) until recently. It is the diagnosis Kate Middleton was given a few weeks ago. It’s also the diagnosis I was given with Colton and again given with Baby #2. I am so thankful that with this time it wasn’t as bad as with Colton and I am also thankful that it was never as bad as so many other HG sufferers. So what is HG. In technical terms it means “excessive vomiting during pregnancy”. It is often diagnosed based on the following symptoms:
• Loss of 5% or more of pre-pregnancy body weight
• Dehydration, causing ketosis, and constipation
• Nutrition disorders
• Metabolic imbalances
• Physical and emotional stress of pregnancy on the body
• Difficulty with activities of daily living
But what it means to many is life changing and long suffering. And beyond the physical, there are so many emotional struggles to deal with. “Why am I so sick? When will it subside? What can I keep down?” it is extremely overwhelming. No joke. I was telling my mom how easily things can trigger flashbacks to times of sickness with Colton. I can literally remember the feeling of puking certain foods (pizza, bananas and pickles are the worst), I can close my eyes and recall moments in flashback mode of the first and second time I was hospitalized, of numerous times I had to pull over while driving to call mom and cry, of having toilet water splash my face (at work and at home) of laying on the floor in the bathroom of crawling from one room to the next. It was literally hell to feel that way and even now it comes back in the blink of an eye.
I decided with both pregnancies that I would write through this time, because it helps me. And because it is an honest reflection of how I feel during an extremely tough time. I found that both times I have gotten pretty discouraged, I believe with Colton I was extremely depressed (scarily depressed) but with this one I did a lot of things different. I babied myself. I didn’t let work, friends, family, anyone guilt me into going someplace, doing something, nothing… my top priority was myself and resting. I think I fought more for myself this time instead of trying to do too much like last time. Unfortunately, how I feel is something I am constantly aware of. I am constantly checking my “status” of how I am, how nauseous I am and what I should eat. Every time I go to put something into my mouth I think “how will this sit”. Having been through this with Colton I can easily say that pregnancy was far worse, although for Alfie, this pregnancy is much harder on him, with an energetic 2 year old to take care of. The first was more emotional, more physically draining and more unexpected. This pregnancy it didn’t catch me off-guard. I was optimistic that it wouldn’t happen but knew my odds for having rough morning sickness that would progress into HG again were not in my favor. So now in week 15, I am using week 21 as my marker. I was better with Colty at that point, it’s gotta be better by then for this pregnancy, right? Evenings and early mornings are my tough time. Evenings because I am so exhausted from working all day, and mornings because of how I have slept or if I am too hungry. Some days I hate the thought of eating, for the pure reason of having to think through lists of food items that may or may not sit well. It makes me nervous. Some days I eat fine. The catch is that if I don’t eat I get REALLY nauseous and pukey, and then nothing sounds appetizing, so I have to force myself to eat. And I don’t like that feeling. But with this pregnancy I am trying to stay optimistic. I am trying to stay encouraged and not feel defeated. I am trying to be thankful and look at the humor in the vomiting and the humor in the discomfort, and the satisfaction in knowing that if God had chosen men to carry pregnancies, the human race would have been screwed! I also find comfort in knowing that while for me, this is so very hard, it is not as bad as others have had or as bad as it could have been. I could have more hospital visits, my babies health could have been in danger, I could have needed a PICC line (IV line that you wear home), there are so many things that are far worse, that I have to remind myself that my mountain, though very large for me, is really just a hill to so many people. And for that I am thankful.
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