“You think you know, but you have no idea.”

Confession:  You never really know what’s going on inside someone else’s world.

It’s funny how something so obvious is often forgotten. You see people living the dream. 3 kids, fantastic house, great marriage, perfect job, impeccable style etc. and it’s easy to think that life for them is amazing. And while I’m sure each could go on again and again with the abundance of true blessings, each person has their struggles. (I know, its sounding like I’m gonna do a FB rant, but bear with me…) I attend craft night, with some very lovely ladies and most often we keep it light and chatty, but since we have been seeing each other every month for almost 2 years, it lends itself for some deeper discussions. And with those deeper discussions come amazement at the strength of these women. It’s one thing to deal with an ordeal, trauma, health struggles,  publicly but it’s another to deal with it personally. To have your mountain be so big that you keep it close and it resides within just a few trusted hearts. It’s those struggles that people usually don’t talk about and those struggles that make me want to be cheerleaders for these women. They are mommas, wives, professionals. They have laughter and smiles and kind words to give and share and then you find out just how big their mountains are and how they have tackled or are tackling it with such grace and composure is amazing! But sometimes within that silence, within that solitude of your mountain are mommas who ache to be heard. They ache to be understood and they are looking for the camaraderie of those going through the same thing.

So to the momma’s who….

don’t get a nap during the day after their kid was up all night…

don’t get to snuggle their babies during weekday cartoons

drop off their babies to day care

have to hear “Mommy don’t go to work” and know there’s no choice about that

don’t have a job and wonder how to put food on the table

have a house or apartment that feels too small, or old or not what they’d dreamed

have family that lives far away and they don’t get to see often

have love handles, stretch marks and a few extra pounds they can’t shed

have slept on pee stained sheets because they forgot their kids peed on them or were just too tired to care

forgo makeup or doing their hair or working out or much needed “me time” for that of their family

have aches and pains and are bed ridden or home bound or not the picture of health they once were

desperately want a child, to grow their family or begin their family

are going at life alone, without a spouse to love and support them

have loved ones with whom they aren’t speaking to

is picking up toy after toy and clothes after clothes and the house is still a wreck

is just struggling to hang in there…

to those moms, I hear you. I so very much hear you! From a mom who has more than one item on that list, I hear you. I feel you. You are not alone. Take a deep breath… you can do it. A quote that always gets me is “No mom ever said, id wished id hugged my child less” Same could be said for “No mom ever said, I wished id spent less time with my kids” But I can promise we will wish we had forgoes that homemade meal that had us pulling out our hair in turn for an hour of snuggle time or play time with our kids. A house that’s a mess  because you chose that time to accept the invitation to play from your baby that will only want to play with you for a few more years. It’s thoughts like that that help me get through it. That and knowing I’m not alone, I’m not perfect and that’s okay.  Thoughts that remind me to remind MY friends that you are doing amazing, you will reap the fruits of your labors as a mom, wife and friend, and that in the end it is so worth it. So.Very.Worth it.

 

 

Lucy's birth story…

So that I can document and remember the precious event, here is Lucy's birth story...
(To read Colty's birth story click here )

I was so over being pregnant. You know when you get to that point? The point that if this child doesn’t exit your body, you are going to become an even bigger, crankier, hot mess than you currently are? Well that was me. So I polled my Facebook friends on what methods they used to kick into labor. At this point I was considered full term, so I was okay with giving birth. And yowza on the suggestions I got: spicy food, lots of walking, sex, and castor oil. Meh. Nothing that I thought would really work. But I thought, well, other than the castor oil, I might as well give them each a try. Worst case, nothing happens, which occurs if I do none of them. Best case, I go into labor! So, Saturday (June 1^st) after being home allllllll day long, and me feeling giant and exhausted due to the 90 degree weather we had been having, we opted to run out to target. And well, I had pity on my poor homebound husband and suggested to head to Canal Days and grab a bite, and hit up target later. Of course he was game. So over to Fairport we went. As we headed over, I got a call from Susan, inquiring if we were going to make pastelillos that night. I had mentioned to her the prior day that I wanted to make Spanish food and she had offered to come over and help. SO when she called, we shared our plans to head to Canal Days and they could meet us there if they were interested. So they did. Once we got there, we walked. And walked. I drank lemonade and had an Italian sausage. Walked some more. Ate some roasted almonds and did more walking. Got caught in the rain, which felt amazing, and did more walking. We hung out in the ungodly heat for 2 hours! By the time we decided to go home, I was very much uncomfortable! We then decided to head home and whip up some pastellilos for a late night (8pmish) snack and invited Christy/ben and mom over to come grab some too. It was a fun time of eating and hanging out. I think that night I headed to bed around 11. But as I lay in bed, I was getting some serious contractions. They were painful and I was so uncomfortable. I got out of bed to stand beside it and lean over it to sway and do breathing exercises. I remember crying and thinking that I was so done…sooo done. Oh yeah, I skipped a “method” that we tried, after during a shower…hey-o…. Anyways, I decided, I better time these awful contractions. And nothing. 4mins, 5mins, 6mins apart they were. Nothing consistent, and nothing that I thought were labor. Just some no fun Braxton hicks. After timing them, I thought I might as well head downstairs and relax rather than stay upstairs in bed uncomfortably awake. So I went to lay on the couch and watch TV. And I ended up falling asleep. Only to be awakened at 2:50am by a slight sensation that I was peeing myself. I made it off the couch and onto the tile when the ”floodgates” opened and good Lord, my water broke. I stood there thinking, “wait am I peeing myself or did my water just break?” and as it just kept coming with no end, I knew it was go time! So I waddled to the bathroom making a detour into the kitchen for a towel so as to not keep making a mess. As I sat in the bathroom, I was trying to decide how to get Alfie. Id left my phone by the couch and didn’t want to scream up and wake up Colton or alarm Alfie. So with towel in hand I shuffled back to the couch and then back to the bathroom (I’d forgotten just how much fluid one has and how it does not stop coming out at an intense amount. I called up to Alfie on my cell and said “sooo im pretty sure my water just broke. Based on the amount of fluid that is coming out, I’m pretty sure it’s not pee. Oh and be careful cause it’s on the floor”. I hung up and then called the on call number for my OBGYN and told them what was going on and waited for the doctor to call me back. At which point I heard Alfie come down and when he got to the bathroom, commented that I had not accurately warned him about where my water broke as he had stepped, barefoot, right into the liquid mess! Nasty! I told him I had called the doctor and will see what they say before alerting the masses, and he said he was going to head back up and hop in the shower. As I sat there waiting for the doctor to call me back, I was just pouring out fluid. I’d forgotten how much really comes out and I feel bad for people who don’t get to experience their water breaking. It really was like it happens in the movies, with the exception that the movies make it seem like it’s a onetime gush instead of the constant flow that it really is. If they did, there would be far fewer scenes of well-meaning passerby’s helping the pregnant mama into their nice cars without so much as a towel to sit on! Anyways, the doctor called back and said to head to the hospital. And we did…an hour later! LOL we had bags to finish packing, calls and texts to make, a child to take to my moms and all while wandering around the house with a towel wedged between my legs soaking everything up…and yes we threw that towel out when we got to the hospital. Luckily we had been there the week before for a false alarm water leaking, so we knew exactly where to park and where to head. We were at the hospital by 4 and promptly headed to triage. Usually they ask you all these lame questions about how much fluid you are leaking and such but when they saw me hobble in with the nasty soaked towel, I’m pretty sure they had their answers. I then changed into the gown and laid on the bed. Which is really nasty as you are just consistently pouring out fluid. It’s like peeing yourself anytime a contraction (which had started on the car ride over) or laughter or cough (which oh yeah, I had a cough from a cold the prior week… no bueno for the impending c section) hit. After the triage doctor came around they concluded that yes I was in labor and yep we can go ahead and prep for c section! So of course the next thing they did was start my iv. Which I hate. I have tiny veins. Super awful veins to try and get and they never have success the first time. And this time was no different. Luckily the nurse that attempted, didn’t even think to try until she was sure she had a vein and then wham…success! I appreciate when they don’t poke just for the sake of trying. At this point we settled in expecting to have a long wait. Alfie went to grab a coffee and something for breakfast and I laid around doing nothing. I had minimal contractions but nothing to focus my breathing on. Eventually Alfie wandered back. Unsuccessful at getting any coffee since the coffee shops hadn’t opened yet. But  shortly after he got back we got word from the nurses that they were prepping the OR! WOW talk about fast! By now it was 5:45am. From here everything moved quickly. The anesthesiologist came in to see me to explain what would happen, they gave me the liquid medicine that you have to drink prior to surgery (it takes like a very tart, slightly nasty syrupy “shot”) and then its go time!! Alfie was sent off to go change into the scrubs as they directed me to walk into the OR. It’s so strange to do that. With Colty I had my epidural so they wheeled me into the room, but for Lucy (and when I had my cyst removed) they have you walk into the room.  It’s weird, cause its noticeably chilly in there, and nothing like you see in Grays Anatomy. It’s VERY bright and open, with the operating table in the middle. There was myself, the anesthesiologist and maybe 2 nurses. Next came the dreaded spinal. I had a bad experience with my epidural for Colty and so was super nervous for the spinal. And to make it worse I didn’t have any “support” in the room. They don’t let your spouse in until after the spinal and right before the surgeon comes in. So they had me straddle the table (it is really narrow, like just slightly wider than your body) and hug a pillow so that your back is really curved. Then they stab you. Lol okay not really but kind of. They go with between your vertebra's and poke you. It’s painful for about 5 seconds and then they are done. You lay down and wait for your bottom half to numb. And it does. It’s so weird! One minute you can feel your legs and then over the course of 10 minutes you cant. They had Michael Jackson playing and I knew…I knew it was going to be a good day and I thought how special it was to hear my favorite right before I was to be delivering my lil lady! Then they let Alfie into the room. As I started to numb they just check in, asking if you can feel this, can you wiggle your toes, etc. I was FREEZING! Which is normal, and as with Colty would shiver really really bad. I didn’t realize that was normal too, but the anesthesiologist was great and got me more blankets and that helped. They also, didn’t have to pin my arms out (in the Jesus stance) as long as I kept them there myself. Which I said I would do. And finally the doctor comes in, and its go time. They warn you a few times, that you won’t feel any pain, just lots of pressure and tugging. With Colty I felt none of that, with Lucy I felt lots of tugging and pressure. They also warn you that it will be quick to get baby out, but a lot longer afterwards to close you up.  And they were right. They were in for a few minutes and then you feel a lot of tugging and pulling and then “WAHHHHHH”. The most precious sound ever. You never realize how anxious you are until you hear that cry and they announce all is okay. Like I said our anesthesiologist was fantastic. He took video and pictures of me kissing Lucy and some of Alfie doing the same. I have watched these videos so often, marveling at the large bundle that just came out of my body. It’s amazing to think those little arms and legs are the same ones that kicked and nudged me all 9 months and are here now for me to hold. How people cannot believe in a higher power when they look at a baby is beyond me. Lucy was born at 6:37am. Such a quick delivery! Alfie held her until they wheeled me out of the OR and into the recovery room. This is where it gets kind of fuzzy. I remember them letting me hold Lucy, but it’s pretty tricky when you can’t sit up and are still laying flat. I think they put Lucy on to nurse, but she didn’t do much and I didn’t put her on. Talk about weird… attempting to nurse but not being with it enough to assist. Thankfully the nurses do a lot of helping, and any self-consciousness about modesty goes right out the window! I think they kept asking me how my legs felt and whether I could move or lift them. I had to wait until I could move both legs before they would let me move into my room. I don’t remember getting into my room much. From that point on, I don’t have much of a memory other than what other people tell me or snippets from pictures or bits that come back to me. I know I had visitors and I think I texted a few people but not sure about conversations or whether I made sense at all. I remember being exhausted, and unable to keep my eyes open. I remember people talking to me and me just falling asleep mid convo. LOL I’m pretty sure my sister and friends got some fabulous pictures of me looking, acting and saying who knows what!! And that (in a long winded nutshell) was how my beautiful Lucy Leigh came into this world. And man is she perfect…so.very.perfect!

I probably shouldnt admit this, but....

Confession: I love me a good guilty pleasure…

Who doesn’t, right?! You know, those things you enjoy that sort of make you cringe when you are forced to admit how much you actually enjoy them. Yep, those! I have a LOT of them. But here we go enjoy these guilty pleasures…

*Reality Shows – Real housewives, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Guiliana and Bill, Millionaire Matchmaker, Don’t be Tardy, Married to Jonas, Duck Dynasty (this one is actually really wholesome)… the list could keep going. Nothing keeps my attention longer and better than a hot mess of reality show goodness. And while most people can’t be bothered with watching that kind of “trashy” tv as they call it, I am drawn to it, like a crazed moth to a flame! It’s sad, I know, but that’s just some good tv, Jack!! It doesn’t even have to be one of my “regular” shows for me to watch. I’ll pop on the tv and “well hello there Shahs of Sunset” or “Good afternoon, It’s a Brad Brad world! I’ll pop my feet up and have a watch!” I really can’t help myself and much prefer shows like that to sitcoms, which are what Alfie prefers. And it’s kind of sad, because if there isn’t a reality show repeat on, I’m kind of like “mehh, whats the point?” I’d rather just not watch tv than watch something else. I’ll even sit through an episode I’ve seen before, or multiple times, just to watch the show. *cringe* Yeah, It’s bad. I know.

*Dancing – It could be a wedding, a club, in my car, in my room, at church, anywhere. I hear a good song with a great beat and I really can’t help bobbing my head and swaying to the beat, just itching to let loose and dance. It’s funny cause my niece Madelyn is the same way. You put on a good tune (aka “Turkey in the Straw”) and girl just can’t help it. You can see it! Her little legs start bouncing, her arms swing and she dances! Girl after my own heart! It’s very rare that a good song will come on and I will not “react” to it. I may not go full blown hardcore in public, but you can bet in my head, I am jamming! Dancing like no one is around, and pretending I’m not an adult who needs to act her age. (If you’d like to test this theory, I suggest throwing on the following songs when im around: Take on Me; Living on a Prayer; or Don’t Stop Believing. Just don’t do an MJ song… I have a strict “no dancing” policy for Michael. It’s a respect thing…boo ya!)

*Gumballs – My dentist can probably attest that I love these with all the bills he has sent my way for all the work he has had to do. But I can (and will) eat my way through an entire bag of gumballs or bubble gum within a day or 2. How you may ask?, Well, I literally grab the bag of gum, and a napkin, paper towel or tissue and pop 1-3 pieces in, chew until the flavor/sugar/juiciness is gone, discard the gum into my napkin and then start over again. It’s kinda like someone with chewing tobacco and a “spitcup” (which I have been known to use a Styrofoam cup instead of a napkin, paper towel or tissue and actually spit the gum into it…yeah…groady). It’s bad, and pretty weird, but I can’t help it! The bag of gum will call to me until I have successful eaten the entire thing. Alfie thinks it’s pretty gross actually and is not a fan when I do it.

*80’s music – I am a sucker for a good 80’s tune. I’m pretty sure I was born many years too late. I didn’t get to enjoy those delightful songs of the decade: “Take on Me”, “Dying in your arms tonight”, anything by Journey, Chicago, Wham, and even the Dirty Dancing sound track, are fantastic. The electronic sound, mixed with the sappy lyrics and snappy beat, are just a win-win-win in my book! During the many hours painting the nursery for Lucy, you can bet that my Pandora station of choice was *gasp* 80’s hits. I don’t know why, but that decade of music was great, and classic and with potential to live on forever. I just can’t help break out into song and dance when a good 80’s tune hits! Mmmm love it!

*Dabble in Hair and Makeup - There are many times I think I may have missed my calling. I love all things hair and makeup related and if I could take classes here and there on doing makeup and styling or cutting hair, I would. For some reason, I just enjoy trying new looks out or getting asked to do hair for someone’s special event. And I by no means am fantastic, but I certainly enjoy it. And you can bet, that when my babies are in school, this mama might be headed back for some additional schooling of her own J

*Movies/Shows that make me ugly cry – I am a crier. I think it’s because I can empathize with things, and so often, with books and or movies, if something touches me, I will cry. And man, sometimes, it is a gut wrenching, full blown, sob fest! Perfect example: Last night I watched the second to last episode of “The Office”. I wept. Alfie laughed (at me). It could be the hormones, or the fact that we all (except her) knew Pam was MORE than enough for Jim, either way it could have easily turned into quite the “ugly cry” moment...If it wasn’t for Alfie laughing at me.  Rudy is probably the most consistent culprit of making me ugly cry, at 2 different parts too: when he gets into Notre Dame (yeah Spoiler alert) and when they carry him off the field….every.time. and yet I will watch that movie any and every time it is on tv! And oddly I don’t mind! I feel better after a good ugly cry and can wipe the tears and go on with my day…fulfilled.

So there you have it! Some of my guilty pleasures. What are yours??  

Faith

I have had the below blog post written since June 22^nd 2012. It never felt like the right time for me to post it. It always felt intimate, personal, and even a bit concerning that it wouldn’t be taken the way it was intended. But recently I have read it, many times over, and keep having a sense that I should share it. My prayer is that it is the Spirit tugging and that it will be well received. I planned to save it for Faith’s birthday but thought that might be too difficult of a time.

 So to my dear friends, you three are thought of often, and Faiths life, although brief has touched my heart and my life forever. I pray this is somewhat of a blessing to you…from my heart to yours...

My blogs are usually silly. Random ramblings from me. But not today. Today it’s much more focused. It’s focused on two very special people. Two people who experienced something that they never should have to. The loss of their precious daughter Faith.

And so my heart is weary and sad. For them, not for Faith, as she gets to rest in the arms of our perfect Savior. But for the mommy and daddy who have to endure until the day they meet their Faith again. And so as their friend I hurt and cry for them. For the loss they experience. But am rejoicing in the comfort they have.  And so to them I’d like to share what their beautiful Faith has reminded me. How her beautiful life has touched mine…

Faith reminded me to trust. To Trust in my Savior, to trust in my faith, to trust in Him, even when my thoughts and heart may question “Why?”.

She has reminded me to believe that God’s plan always is sovereign.  There is something so very comforting in knowing that despite MY plans, God’s plan is always right, always for me, and always for Good. No.matter.what. I can rest in that fact. And I can believe that no matter what I go through the same God that comforts my dear friends, will comfort me. The same God who directs their steps, will direct mine.  The same Lord that is cuddling little Faith, will know my heart for things far less trivial or important and ache with me. I love that.

Faith has reminded me to surround  myself with people who will point me to the cross for all things.  It could be so easy to lose heart and lose faith and feel so alone. But with friends who will lift me to the throne of God in prayer, the comfort of that is unreal.  The comfort of knowing that I don’t even have to ask, and there would be people who would fast and intercede on another believer’s behalf is so special. What a precious thing to see the out pour of love and support between believers.

So to those very special parents. Your beautiful Faith has been such a reminder to me.  In a few short days, her life has already done so very much.  She has planted seeds of Christ’s love in so many hearts. I can only imagine what a proud mommy and daddy you must be.

Hey lets give a little TMI....

Confession: My belly finds out info I didnt need to know.

I went to target the other night and as I was cashing out, the cashier was chatting up my belly. I like to say that a pregnant belly is an instant conversation starter and friendship maker. It got intimate and a bit TMI fast… Anyways, the convo went like this….

Cashier: How much longer? *smile, nod towards belly*

Me: 5 weeks

C: Oh wow, you have a bit still

M: *smile/grimace* yeah

C: Do you know what you are having?

M: a girl

C: Aww that’s great! Are you excited?! Is this your first

M: Yeah its nice. No, we have a little boy. He is 2 ½

C: Oooo one of each!

M: Yep, one of each and now we are done.

C: Oh you never know! I said that to my husband and we now have 4 kids. 2 of which I got pregnant with while on Birth control. *TMI*

Me: *starting to get awkward* Oh, no. We are for sure done. It’s a csection. So I’ll uhh have them take care of things while they are in there.

Cashier: Oh I keep trying to get my husband to go in for the surgery! I hate being on Mirena (NAME OF HER BC!!!)

M: *continued awkwardness but she was nice and put all my bags in my cart for me* Ohhh ok. Thank you, I appreciate that! *nodding towards the filled cart*

C: No problem! Good luck and have a nice night.

M: thanks, you too.

Now we are officially BFFs.

Lesson Learned.

Confession:  I learned a valuable mommy lesson.

The other day I had walked to the Strong Museum of play to grab a sub for lunch from Subway. It was sunny, and a nice day to waddle myself the 2 blocks. I had every intention of walking back and eating at my desk but after ordering my Italian BMT sub, i was tired (ofcourse), so I found a table in the extremely empty cafeteria there and started to eat. A few minutes later my sister called and we were chatting about baby stuff while I ate. No more than 5 mins later a frazzled mom pushing her jam packed stroller comes by, with scream-crying child in tow, along with her friend and her son, and wouldn’t you know they pick the table DIRECTLY in front of me. Not off to the side, not a table away, not on the other side of the empty cafeteria. Nope. Directly in front of me. Oh Lord. The one friend drops off her son and goes up to put in her order while the frazzled mom is trying to console her extremely LOUD child (with no consideration to the fact that A. I was here first or B. I was on my phone). And what happens when a child is crying so hard and screaming and mucus filled??! That’s right, they start gagging, then puking. This child was no different. As I sat there on my phone, attempting to eat my lunch and chat with my sister, I was forced to watch a 2 year old puke a mixture of phlem and juice up into the moms hand, all over the chair and onto the floor. Gross. So. Gross. I should have been more compassionate, I should have been more understanding (we have all been there, right?), I should have been like “whatever”. But it bugged me! Not once did she turn to me and apologize that I had to witness that during my lunch, not once was there any consideration that I was there first, eating, and clearly chatting on my phone. Nothing, not even an apologetic look. And with that I learned a valuable lesson. I should be far more considerate of those around me when my child is acting up. I should be more considerate that there are people who might be out, enjoying a relaxing, child free time and shouldn’t have to listen to my child being difficult. I should be more considerate to pick seating when my child is being naughty as FAR away from people as possible. Lesson.Learned. I should be more considerate.

My Pregnancy Blessings...for Lauren

Dear Future Pregnant Lor,

Per your request, I thought I would counter my prior post, with a more positive post about pregnancy and address it to you, dear friend, for when you are pregnant. So that you may read this and smile at the joys of what’s to come J

Since you are stunning now, I can only imagine, how gorgeous you are going to be and feel with the recommended 30lb (minimum) weight gain. You’ll have that natural glow about you and that blossoming belly will just be begging to be lovingly touched by all the well-meaning passerby’s. But how wonderful it will be, as that belly will work as an instant conversation starter! You will be inundated with “when are you due?”, “do you know the sex?”, “How much longer?” A gentle reminder that you have many days left on this beautiful journey to enjoy! It also aids in making friends wherever you go. It’s such a blessing! It will be these same new friends, at the office, at a party, out and about, that will remind you that you get to eat for two, so to be sure and pile that food onto your plate or grab an additional helping. The baby needs it. And lucky for you, you won’t have to worry about a tightening waist line as you will get to wear stretch pants!!! I am so thankful for comfortable stretch pants. I am especially thankful for trends that promote the wearing of stretch pants without the need to wear something that covers your lady parts. In pregnancy you can wear leggings as PANTS and nobody says anything. It really is awesome.

You will also be invited to partake in any and every “free” food event at work. It’s fantastic. Free donuts? Don’t forget to offer a few to Lauren. Free subs? Make sure Lauren gets a few pieces. Someone ordered pizza? Take a slice or two up to Lauren, she’d love that! Oh and don’t forget about those cravings you get to indulge in! No one bats an eyelash when you polish off a full box of cereal alone, smile and say “the baby was hungry” with a chuckle. People instantly nod along with you and tell you its okay, baby needs to eat.

And let’s not forget the blessings of naming your child. Joyously flipping through lists among lists of names and being sure to weed out anything that might remind you or your spouse of a less than godly individual or a saddle your child with a name that doesn’t promote bible prosperity and a positive future. Such prayers of thanksgiving are said when you land upon that name, because everyone will love it and everyone will have such positive and non-opinionated or passive ideals about the creative name, middle name and nicknames you have chosen for your newborn.

And most importantly let’s not forget how amazing you will feel!! Knowing that within your being, you are responsible for the health and wellness of this tiny life. You’ll work out, and eat well, and be appreciative of every kick and nudge, wiggle and roll of that active babe in your womb. Even at 3am in the morning, and especially when it reminds you to awaken and empty your bladder! (It’s a great thing they remind us, so that we avoid the embarrassment of wetting the bed!)

And finally, because you are so stunning and you married a good looking gent, you will have rockin’ model children. With lots of your dark hair (so all that heartburn will be so worth it!) and your fantastic green eyes. And because of all these wonderful pregnancy blessings and benefits and how amazingly pretty your children will be, you will have not 1 but 2, 3 maybe 4 babies, that you will puuuuush through your lady parts. But have no fear, the doctor will treat you well and leave “Ryans playground” stitched up well and not like a demolition crew came through.

I pray that you never forget these wonderful blessings!

Your BFF,

-Kim

#soblessed #sothankful #thisistotallytongueincheek #sarcastic #cantwaittilyouareexpecting

A note to myself...from myself...

Dear NonPregnant Kimi,

One day, you are going to get the “itch”. You are going to look around and see pregnant woman and little babies in abundance, and you are going to want to be them and have another one. So this is my reminder to you, to be content with your 2. Because as I will easily point out, you are NOT a pleasant pregnant person…

There are some things you can endure, gracefully, but pregnancy is not one of them. You constantly find you need to keep yourself in check, often, to keep from being a massive Debbie downer. Considering what a blessing pregnancy is and the struggle many people have to either conceive or carry a baby, you should probably keep your mouth shut far more often. Right? Well in the effort to be honest and keep things real (Live without pretending, right??) you won’t and you dont. Why? Well because pregnancy for some (like you) is really hard, really uncomfortable and really a difficult 9 month journey. One in which you know that you don’t handle well. And if you keep your yap shut, not only will you end up feeling alone in your frustrations (thus alienating yourself and assisting in a fast downward spiral to depression), but it was always your hope there might be another pregnant soul out there who can relate and remind you that “this too shall pass”. While you are one who LOVES the end result (what’s not to love about a cute cuddly bundle of you and Alfie goodness??), you really really struggle with the journey to get there. Like really REALLY struggle. For you, it’s a means to an end. It’s not a journey you particularly love. And I know you feel bad saying that, but if we are honest with yourself and others, you do not enjoy being pregnant.

You have found that the realities of the first pregnancy are far more clear and present than they were before. It’s not all hearts and bunnies the second time around. With the first you were in the land of puppy dogs and flowers, hearts and bunnies. Everything was dreamy. When tired, you rested. Lazily, you lounged and pampered yourself whenever, wherever while your doting hubby fed you grapes straight from the vine and fanneds you with a palm branch after having massaged your feet. Wait a minute! Who are we kidding?? That’s sooo not how things went down!…bummer, I know. But anyways, with the first you blissfully lived in the world of ignorance of what’s to come: 3^rd trimester discomfort, labor, recovery, sleepless nights etc. Not so much with child numero dos. While the joy and excitement is 100% there, the reality of what’s to come is right behind it. That ignorant bliss you had with Colton, is nowhere to be seen and that eye opening reality of “Dear Lord, I have how many months left??…help!!” has become a constant prayer.

However, in the midst of all that discomfort, you have found that laughing about the hotmess you have become is a great way to ease that unpleasant persona. Because as we all either know, or end up finding out is that pregnancy is a bundle of unglamourous months! And anyone who may try to tell you differently is sugar coating it and LY-ING to you! So instead of being miserable 99.9% of the time, you tryyyyy to find the humor in your discomfort. It’s those humourous moments that make you chuckle (clearly in hindsight) and think, “there are VERY few men in this world who could survive this” and that makes you smirk and eases the discomfort a smidge. Just as a reminder, Kimi, let’s see what makes it so unglamorous. Wheeeeellll, let me remind you! First, you seem to be one of the “blessed” ones as you get morning all the time sickness. Puking that could be spurred by the mere scent of your husbands cologne that you picked for him because, well, back in the day, it smelled amazing. Then ofcourse there is the insane hunger that over takes your body. You go from “sure, I could nibble” to “GET ME A MOTHER EFFING *insert food of choice*” in seconds, only to then fall asleep from the food binge, to then waking up from the heartburn (because silly you, thought you could lay down after eating with no problems….false…so.very.false.) Since you are already awake from the heartburn, you might as well get up to pee, thus starting the dreaded cycle of pee interruptions to your day, or evening or perfectly good night’s sleep. Or how about the precious feeling of your little one jamming their legs into your bladder, ribs, lungs, anything? Which then keeps you from resting comfortably. How about the feeling that your pelvis is just sloooowly separating. Maybe it’s the innocent sneeze or cough that makes you pee yourself. Or the sensitive nipples that make a cold breeze feel like someone is holding a match to them and attempting to burn them off your body! The headaches, the swelling, the list of random unglamorous pregnancy symptoms goes on. And while you will have kind and oh so loving friends and family encourage you with “you have that pregnancy glow” or “You look fantastic!” or “You are all belly!” deep down you know that instance when you have gone from not bad to hot mess. Shall we recall stroller shopping for Colton? Sneezing only to then pee yourself right there in the store. *sigh* to the point where you had to purchase an entire new bottom half to your outfit for the day. You haven’t lived until you have peed yourself in public, don’t you forget that!

So, Kimi, this note is purely to document these feelings, because one day, all these awful memories will fade, and Colty and Lucy will be bigger and you will longingly look at newborns and think “I want another, I’m ready, it’s time.” and you will desperately need these words from pregnant Kimi to nonpregnant Kimi to remind you that there is NO WAY, on this green earth you can go through it again!! So future Kimi, when that time comes, reread this post (as many times as needed), smile that you made it through 2 pregnancies, kiss your adorable grown babies and thank the good Lord that you are done!!! J

Love,

Pregnant Kimi

My life is perfect...oooorrr not

Confession: I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook status’.

“My husband is so wonderful! He just surprised me with this huge bouquet of flowers! Just ‘cause! I am soooo blessed”

Because what I read was “SUCK IT! My husband is better than yours! NA Na Na boo boo!”

“Baby girl just took a 3 hour nap, while I deep cleaned the house and baked! So blessed!”

What I read was “MY KID IS SUPERIOR!! And oh yeah! I baked bread from scratch and combed the carpet with a hairbrush so that all the weft was lying in the same direction, while I wore my family heirloom pearls. God is soooo good…SUCK IT”

And when I read many of those all too familiar status updates, I have to try really hard (like really really hard) to not compare my husband to that when he comes home, empty handed, wondering what is for dinner or when Colton is the cranky spawn of Satan for no reason or when after a frazzled day at work I pull out a frozen pizza, make a call for some take out, or just drive through McDonalds. I have to remind myself that no, I didn’t get the “short end of the stick” not all Facebook status’ are in fact what they claim to be. And believe me, I am sure we are ALL offenders. I know I have posted many a status or instagram pic or something that unintentionally hurts someone else. Most likely any post about being pregnant or how tough I find my pregnancy, is like salt in a wound to a friend who may struggle to conceive, who may wish they were pregnant and who may think “would she quit her complaining?” Or a post about a night out with friends might be difficult to someone without family around to ease the load and give them a night out and chance to relax. And my personal “ouchie” a stay at home momma saying what a blessing it is to stay home, might be particularly disheartening to a working momma, like myself. I know I am not alone in this. I know many others have to bite their tongue, grin and bear it, turn the other cheek, or even block people that seem to be more popular offenders. So when does it go from a simple and innocent “blessing post” to a “brag post”? How do you know if you are a repeat offender or not? Good question! I have no idea!! But I will say it is helpful to ask. Ask close friends, or family, take notice of the comments or “likes” on the status. Be sensitive about events in your friends lives. Get a blog ;) do all your bragging and bitchin’ on that platform (like muah). And please please please don’t end your status with “So thankful” or “So blessed” (and if you do, do it in a crazy hashtag, cause everything is funnier as a hashtag!). Because we know! Believe me, we know that you are thankful and blessed! It’s just that sadly 9 times out of 10 it comes off as “Christian Bragging” under the guise of being “thankful” or “blessed”. And all people think when they read it, instead of cheering along, is “here they go again…must be nice…my life blows”. And really, who wants that??!! And what about those “friends” you have that are clearly repeat offenders and you walk the fine line between loving them and hating their posts? Well my passive aggressive nature keeps me from confrontation, so a suggestion passed along to me by my sister, is to remove them from my feed. That way they can keep on truckin’ and doing their thang on Facebook and I can keep my annoyance, irritation or general snarkiness in check.

And I will leave you with a personal example: My pregnancy instagram pictures. One could think just by looking at my weekly photos that I always dress up, or look nice or have had a glowing pregnancy. One could think that by my photos my pregnancy is A-mah-zing. When in reality, that is oh so false! What you didnt see were the early on bump pics because I had my face in the toilet hurling most of my food into it, which made me look pale and awful. Or the 10 pictures prior to the one i posted because I looked weird, or silly or giant. What you dont see are that I make sure and post on a day when I am forced to dress up and have time to do my makeup (like Sunday mornings before church). What I purposefully don’t post are pictures of me in my typical pregnancy uniform : makeup off, no bra, sweatpants, bags under my eyes, hair all busted, and a giant tshirt. If you happen to catch me on a Saturday, that’s usually how I look! What I don’t post are the pictures after I have had a melt down with swollen eyes and red nose from being too tired, overwhelmed, or just “so over this”. Why not, you ask? Probably because nothing is more raw and intimate than putting yourself out there…the good, but especially the bad and the ugly. But really it is because, I want to be able to look back in a year and see myself looking nice rather than hotmess-ish. And as a result I’m sure it comes off differently than intended. And so today I attempted to rectify some of that by posting a very real, very pregnant, very ugly picture of myself on Facebook and Instagram with a 60lb weight gain in labor with Colton. The last thing I want is people to think I “always look good in pregnancy” when if it wasn’t for Alfie forcing me into “real pants” (often) I’d probably always leave the house in sweats! You think im kidding?!

So lets make an effort to be real, folks! To post the bad with the good, the frazzled with the calm, cool and collected and the crazy moments with the normal ones. Because I for one will breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I am not the only one who doesn’t have “the perfect life” J

I'd like to introduce you to my girls....

Confession: My boobs are out of control.

Sorry, was that too much? Oh well. Ya know that age where your filter starts to go out the window and you are all like, “TMI? Who cares! We’re all friends here, right?” Yeah I think I am there. So anyways. I have never been a small chested gal, and when pregnant, these things become ginormous 2 pound milkers. 9 times out of 10, I get dressed in my morning fog, only to make it to work and think “Oh boy, that’s a tad too much boob for the office” but at that point what’s a girl to do, other than not cross her arms so as to not enhance the bazingas. I know this girl who when pregnant, may or may not have used a food scale to weigh her gigante ladies.  She may or may not have been me. Crazy right!? Yeah yeah yeah I hear the “Whaaaaaa…quit your crying” since I know many a flatties who pray for the Boob gods to amply bless them during pregnancy. But ohhhh ladies just you wait. When those heavens part and them Tata angels touch you, you may find yourself far from joining in the Hallelujah chorus! Especially when you realize dem melons can trump eye contact and can cause distracted conversation focus! And yowza that’s just the boobs. I wont even discuss the national geographic nippage that occurs, I mean really folks its like a set of gumballs, gumdrops, your favorite hard candy, whatever. It’s ridiculous! And God forbid you encounter a cool breeze or a boob slap from a sibling (yeah thanks Christy) the sensitivity is something so unexpected! There are certain times in pregnancy that I just have to chuckle and sigh as I think "well we have reached a new low here" and last week was one of those such times… I was eating lunch, some arroz con gandules (Rice with pigeon peas) and was holding the container at my belly and spooning (who am I kidding, we all know I was shoveling it into my mouth like a heffer) portions into my mouth only to feel a grain fall into ma cleave. So I fished it out, only to then find another and another. 3 grains of rice were resting on the little shelf area between my boobs and my belly down my shirt. So there I am, at my desk, digging down my shirt for those three stupid grains of rice! Oye! Luckily I had the decency to toss them rather than eat them, cause that would be gross…right? For sure! Right, totally gross… *sigh* Welp, no one said pregnancy was glamorous, that’s for sure! And so with 10 more weeks to go, lets see just how much more mammoth these beasts can get!!

Mommy Dearest...

Confession: Being a step mom is tricky.

Did I mention I have been married for 5 years and have yet to meet my step daughter? Again Cray cray! Much of that is due to the fact that she lives out of state with her mother and well, we live here. And while Alfie goes out to visit her usually every year around her birthday, it is that difficult road to travel  between desire to really want to meet her, and the worry that me (new wife) being around ex wife, would in some way make his time with his daughter harder, trickier, more torturous. For what? All so I can have an opportunity? I never thought it was fair, and I never wanted to ruin that small window of time, just for my wants. He deserves to have that time be as perfect as possible, even if it means I go another year without meeting her, or if it means I have to cringe and deal with the expenses that come with the territory. That’s what we do, right?

There are many things I wish more people talked about, and being a step parent is one of them. Especially one with a straining relationship between the hubby’s ex and himself. And then here I am, the “new wife” tossed in the mix. Unsure of whether to be fully involved, to mind my own business, to be half involved and half not involved, I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t often, okay rarely ever, have a sounding board of friends or aquaintences with whom I can bounce questions off of or ask for advice from the perspective of having an additional child fit into the mix. And for these past 5 years, it really hasn’t been an issue. Much of our situation was almost “out of sight, out of mind” due to the fact that Alfie’s daughter didn’t live here, had yet to visit, and had a parent who was unwilling to allow certain things. Until now. Circumstances have changed and we are working through new parental responsibilities and roles, definite changes to current visitation privileges, and possible custody changes. All during which we are taking care of a 2 year old, working and oh yeah, expecting a baby. And much of it feels like sailing through uncharted waters at the mercy of out of state lawyers and with involvement of ex-inlaws. And while this is a HUGE answer to many, many, many (like 10 years worth of) prayers, it is still really stressful and often makes me wonder, “Okay, God, whatcha doing here”? Not in doubting his plan, but in the “why now?”, “What are you planning here, Lord?” It’s that exciting anticipation of what He is going to do, along with that fearful anxiousness of having absolutely no idea how things are going to play out, how long it is going to take, or what that means for our small family. However, there have been definite moments of “God things” that remind me that He is sooo allllll over this entire situation. One of the “God things” that im like, “yep, that was totally You!” is our home. We bought our house in Webster 2 years ago, and never really thought about the number of bedrooms we would need. Most houses in our price range had 3 rooms, almost none had 4 and even fewer had 4 with more than 1 bathroom (more than 1 bathroom was a MUST for me). And then we found our current house. 4 bedrooms, and more than 1 full bathroom! Little did we know, that we would need the 4^th room as more that a craft room or guest room. Little did we know that it would be important and an ease to the mind to not have to figure out how we would make a special space for an 11 year old, while also having to plan for a nursery! Little did we know it would be important in our home study to have a specific bedroom arrangement for her. I know I would for sure be freaking out more so than I am now… (I’m a worrier, what can I say…). And the crazy part is that this has all primarily happened since Christmas! There has been lots of paperwork filled out, a few court “phone appearances”, many sleepless nights and much excitement of what could be coming. We are currently prepping for a home inspection, in which we didn’t get much advanced notice (for a planner like myself, that is very very nerve wracking) and which would determine how long of visits Alfie’s daughter would be able to have. I have no doubt we will pass with flying colors, but the whole unknown factor to it and the desire to put ours and our homes best foot forward, does put me on edge. So here’s hoping everything tomorrow goes well! And well, I guess, more to come in the next 2 months! Oye!

Baby #2 - First Trimester: Part 4

Week 11 was my rough week. It was the weekend of thanksgiving. I was able to eat okay the day of but after eating my body felt like it literally shut down. And kept shutting down. I think I started feeling worse Sunday and knew I needed to call the drs Monday. I called and the response I got was “well eat small meals, take a lot of small sips throughout the day. Have you tried tea? Or different temperature of juice or even Gatorade” I wanted to reach through the phone and slap her. This is NOT my first rodeo honey! I know how it goes, I wouldn’t be calling if I hadn’t tried that. But she said to try that and then call at the end of the day. Well I ended up having to come home and rest by noon, and was getting weaker and weaker. By the morning I was toast. I was shaky and really really weak. And as always I take notice of my urine color (to detect dehydration) and it was getting darker and darker. Tuesday morning I called to give the status I was supposed to give the afternoon before. The nurse called back and said if I wanted to come see the PA I could but they didn’t think I was “that bad”. I thought twice, always second guessing myself, that maybe I should just wait it out. But of course I knew it would only get worse and opted to see the PA. Unfortunately I would have to go to the Farmington office rather than the Penfield office but I didn’t care, I just felt bad that Alfie would have to take me (I was in NO shape to drive. I could barely sit upright). So off we went. Once we arrived, I shuffled myself into the office. And when I say shuffle I mean shuffle. It wasn’t a slow walk it was a hunched over, hold onto the car, then Alfie, then stair railing, then wall, just to check in. When the nurse called me back to give a urine sample, I remember thinking, “man my body is shot”. What I mean by that is that feeling your body has when you have the flu and you have the body aches an general weakness. That’s it. Sure you can force yourself to be upright and walk for a very short time but the strain on your body to do that isn’t worth it. That’s how I felt. I could barely get onto the scale by myself. Luckily I had only dropped 3lbs instead of the 8lbs with Colty. Again I shuffled into the room and lay on the exam table. When the PA came in she took one look at me and pretty much said, she didn’t realize from the messages I’d left that it was this bad. Luckily she was kind, and had been through it before, herself. Not only did she ask me how it was, but she asked Alfie, which I thought was great. Because really, I hate to be thought of as a wimp, so I don’t always tell how bad things are (with the exception of blogging… I really put it out there!). So anyways, she gave us two options: just try a cocktail of meds (Zofran and Phenergan together) or go to the hospital for fluids. And thank God for Alfie, because he jumped in with “Can we do both?” which of course she was more than willing to allow. So with the promise of feeling better on the horizon (or so I thought), off to the hospital we went. Since Alfie had to be at work, mom was able to step in and take me, which I was more than fine with. I would have been fine just being dropped off, as this wasn’t my first time and I’d literally be just lying there doing nothing. But it was nice to have mom there with me. It’s always nice to have your mama with you. Of course that day was extremely busy, and the wait in the waiting room reflected that. But we signed in anyways and waited our turn. so I opted for a wheelchair when dropped off as I was extremely weak from dehydration. While mom parked the attendant wheeled me over to get signed in. There was an older couple waiting right by the door between where I was signing in and where I had to go to wait. The old lady was sitting with the older man behind her resting against the wall. Mom, came in and was then attempting to move me to the waiting room, when WHAM she clipped my wheelchair with that of the little old lady’s. LOL YIKES! They certainly gave us the death glare. Although in moms defense the old couple blocked the area pretty good and there wasn’t much room to maneuver. They really shouldn’t have been there! Anyways, they got their payback when another older couple ran into my wheelchair on their way back to be seen…lol no harm done 

When I say the ED was busy, I mean they were putting patients in the HALLWAY on beds! I was praying hard that wouldn’t be me! I can’t handle hospitals anyways that being in a hallway and watching the sick be wheeled by would have been too much for me. Much too much. Anyways, I was finally called back and put into the holding room where a Dr. came and asked the typically preliminary questions: whats wrong? How long have you been feeling like this? When is the last time you puked? When was the last time you ate/drank? Is this the first time pregnancy? Was it this bad before? Etc. And then I was wheeled over to “room” to receive fluids. Luckily I wasn’t AWFUL (I’m not kidding when I say I did things differently this time) and only needed 2 bags of fluids. I was pretty much expecting that outcome. What I wasn’t expecting, was the trouble to get blood work drawn and an IV put in. I knew the correlation between ease of finding a vein and hydration but it did not come to mind until the first nurse came over to grab blood. Three different location attempts and nothing. Grr. So she grabbed another girl. 2 location attempts and SUCCESS! Only problem was that in order for the IV to work, I had to hold veryyyyy still and keep my arm insanely straight or else the fluids would stop dripping and the IV machine (?) would start beeping. Talk about being a pain! But I figured anything to make things feel better, right? Right! So I lay there, doing nothing, watching the comings and goings of the ED, trying to grab the scoop of the couple on the other side of the curtain, by using mom as my interpreter (they only spoke Spanish and were there for some sort of cyst that was painful…lol yeah I’m nosey like that!). After a few hours my nurse comes back and says “sooo I have some good news and bad news: Good news, congrats you are in fact pregnant! Bad news, your blood sample coagulated and we need to take more.” MOTHER EFFER! Of course I was gracious and said, “Reallllly????” But she assured me they were going to get the “expert” on the floor to do it, since my veins were being problematic. And sure enough, a few minutes later a murse (male nurse) waltzed on it. “So you are going to try taking my blood?” and his response was something along the lines of “I’m not going to try, I’m going to be successful!” Just the winning spirit I liked to hear when someone was about to poke me for the bazillionth time. And true to his word, he was successful on his first try! Praise the Lord!! Granted he had a much more hydrated patient on his hands than any of the other nurses, but that’s neither here nor there. Now that that was taken care of, the only thing that stood between myself and freedom was a half bag of IV fluid. And so we waited…and waited… and hello, rotation change! Which brought on a new nurse. And she pops in and goes “so I haven’t checked your chart, what’s up?” As she starts fiddling with my IV. Not.OKAY. I was on my phone and was trying to hang up to respond but she waved me off saying I didn’t have to get off the phone… again while fiddling with the IV which was now beeping because she moved it from its finicky position. I tried to explain the ordeal, but she jumped in with “well that’s not supposed to be like that” (no sh*! Lady, I mean really?!) So what does she do but start sliding the iv farther out. At which point it stopped beeping and flowed like normal, but instead of not being able to feel it like before, it was burning and it felt painful. I told her and her comment was “well you only have less than a quarter of a bag left, is it really painful?” I said yes. So she fiddled again and essentially ended up pulling it out. I.Was.FUMING! No, “I’m sorry”. No, “oh no!” nothing other than “let me see what the Dr. wants to do.” What I wanted to do was biotch slap her! If only she had checked my info, maybe we wouldn’t be in this lil predicament, lady. Luckily the doctor was okay with the amount of fluid I received and although I still felt really nauseous, was at least hydrated. They sent me home with a lovely prescription of Phenergan to take every four hours in addition to the Zofran I was taking twice a day. Its times like that, that I get worried. A double prescription. What harm is it to the baby? Of course it’s on the “approved” list but that’s not a guarantee (of course what in life is?) but it still makes me nervous and made me feel guilty yet again that I needed to do be on medication. So many tears have been spilled from being sick. So much anger has been shouted in my mind, in my heart, both this pregnancy and the last, and so much aloneness has been felt. Very few understand. I think because of that I feel extreme empathy for anyone experiencing morning sickness, at any level through their pregnancy. I get upset at the people who brush it off like it’s just another cross us pregnant mama’s must bear, another symptom we must endure. No, it’s a lot more than that for a lot of women. It’s frustrating and overwhelming, and when people don’t say that to others, it perpetuates the stigma that we have to just grin and bear it in our own silent hell. I’m not saying we have to daily complain about pregnancy but all I am asking for is a bit of honesty. It is not the best time in life for every woman. And it’s interesting because the more honest we are about the hard and frustrating parts of pregnancy, the more often I find there are more ladies out there who would agree. And by no means does talking about this difficult side of pregnancy mean that we are ungrateful it just means that we are shedding light on the less talked about side of things. Because it is the times that you find yourself so alone, and so discouraged and so feeling like nobody understands, that having had those conversations makes you feel a bit less alone, a bit less discouraged and a bit more like someone else gets it.

Wk 12-17: Parts of this time period are a blur to me. Filled with some good days, some bad. Some puking, lots of gagging and constant nausea. Many tears were cried, many arguments had. Some days I showered, more often, I did not. Some days I worked from home, more often I went into the office. I had weeks of food trends. Salami, ham, jarlesburge cheese and croissants; Peanut butter and jelly; toast…always toast; eggs and sausage. There were food aversions: fruit, juice, pop, pizza – anything with red sauce, greasy/heavy foods and onions. There were holidays tossed in there: Thanksgiving and Christmas. There were quiet moments, there were loud moments, there was anger and there was hurt. Times of “I can do this!” and times of “Make this stop”. Some cuddles, exhaustion, kissies and huggies, and nausea…ohhh the nausea. But it’s over. Praise the Lord it’s so over. The feeling of looking at my meds and knowing I am okay, and no longer on them : PURE JOY! But through those weeks there was ALWAYS the support of my family (mom, dad, sisters, in-laws, aunts and uncles) who for sure prayed me through those dark days and weeks. They took turns watching Colty and making sure him and Alfie had a home cooked meal. They sent encouraging texts, emails, Facebook comments and messages and literally dragged me through those days and weeks when I would have never been able to make it on my own. And then there were my friends. Most close…most ladies I have known for years upon years, some I saw often and some only via Facebook, but still their encouraging words and stories and “I’ve been there too, and it blows” were soothing to my soul. So a BIG thank you goes out to all those family and friends. YOUR faith and YOUR kind encouragement carried me and my faith. And so we thankfully and joyfully move out of the “Dark Period” and into what I lovingly call: “The Hunger Games”

Baby #2 - First Trimester: Part 3

 

12/6 – 12wks4d. Still on meds, still sick, still tired. This morning was rough, emotionally. I find I have a lot of that these days, emotional days. Days when I just feel defeated. I feel discouraged and sad that I don’t have the get up and go of a normal person. I am thankful that this time at least I have the excitement of being pregnant. I know the end state and can believe that it will be worth it. That I at least have. With my first I didn’t. I had no end in sight. People would say it’ll be over at 12wks. 12wks came and went and I was still sick. I have more belief in myself this time. I know when I’m bad and will tell it like it is to the doctors. I put up with a lot the first time. This time I don’t force myself as much. i.dont.feel.good.i.am.not.joking. meaning, no amount of lame guilt, by family or friends will make me attend an event. What most don’t realize is that I have triggers beyond food and smells that make me feel worse. I feel the best laying down, in the dark, in the quiet. Believe it or not, sometimes the flickering of the TV makes things worse. Even with my eyes closed, it feels like I’m on a roller coaster. And loud gatherings with people competing to talk over each other just trigger nausea.

 

It’s interesting. Most people have never heard of Hyperemisis Gravidarum (HG) until recently. It is the diagnosis Kate Middleton was given a few weeks ago. It’s also the diagnosis I was given with Colton and again given with Baby #2. I am so thankful that with this time it wasn’t as bad as with Colton and I am also thankful that it was never as bad as so many other HG sufferers. So what is HG. In technical terms it means “excessive vomiting during pregnancy”. It is often diagnosed based on the following symptoms:

 

• Loss of 5% or more of pre-pregnancy body weight

• Dehydration, causing ketosis, and constipation

• Nutrition disorders

• Metabolic imbalances

• Physical and emotional stress of pregnancy on the body

 • Difficulty with activities of daily living

 

But what it means to many is life changing and long suffering. And beyond the physical, there are so many emotional struggles to deal with. “Why am I so sick? When will it subside? What can I keep down?” it is extremely overwhelming. No joke. I was telling my mom how easily things can trigger flashbacks to times of sickness with Colton. I can literally remember the feeling of puking certain foods (pizza, bananas and pickles are the worst), I can close my eyes and recall moments in flashback mode of the first and second time I was hospitalized, of numerous times I had to pull over while driving to call mom and cry, of having toilet water splash my face (at work and at home) of laying on the floor in the bathroom of crawling from one room to the next. It was literally hell to feel that way and even now it comes back in the blink of an eye.

 

I decided with both pregnancies that I would write through this time, because it helps me. And because it is an honest reflection of how I feel during an extremely tough time. I found that both times I have gotten pretty discouraged, I believe with Colton I was extremely depressed (scarily depressed) but with this one I did a lot of things different. I babied myself. I didn’t let work, friends, family, anyone guilt me into going someplace, doing something, nothing… my top priority was myself and resting. I think I fought more for myself this time instead of trying to do too much like last time. Unfortunately, how I feel is something I am constantly aware of. I am constantly checking my “status” of how I am, how nauseous I am and what I should eat. Every time I go to put something into my mouth I think “how will this sit”. Having been through this with Colton I can easily say that pregnancy was far worse, although for Alfie, this pregnancy is much harder on him, with an energetic 2 year old to take care of. The first was more emotional, more physically draining and more unexpected. This pregnancy it didn’t catch me off-guard. I was optimistic that it wouldn’t happen but knew my odds for having rough morning sickness that would progress into HG again were not in my favor. So now in week 15, I am using week 21 as my marker. I was better with Colty at that point, it’s gotta be better by then for this pregnancy, right? Evenings and early mornings are my tough time. Evenings because I am so exhausted from working all day, and mornings because of how I have slept or if I am too hungry. Some days I hate the thought of eating, for the pure reason of having to think through lists of food items that may or may not sit well. It makes me nervous. Some days I eat fine. The catch is that if I don’t eat I get REALLY nauseous and pukey, and then nothing sounds appetizing, so I have to force myself to eat. And I don’t like that feeling. But with this pregnancy I am trying to stay optimistic. I am trying to stay encouraged and not feel defeated. I am trying to be thankful and look at the humor in the vomiting and the humor in the discomfort, and the satisfaction in knowing that if God had chosen men to carry pregnancies, the human race would have been screwed! I also find comfort in knowing that while for me, this is so very hard, it is not as bad as others have had or as bad as it could have been. I could have more hospital visits, my babies health could have been in danger, I could have needed a PICC line (IV line that you wear home), there are so many things that are far worse, that I have to remind myself that my mountain, though very large for me, is really just a hill to so many people. And for that I am thankful.

Baby #2 - First Trimester: Part 2

11/7 – yesterday wasn’t good. And maybe everyone deals with this and it is just another crappy part of pregnancy, but for me it seems so overwhelming. How come more people don’t say how awful it is. How insanely exhausting it is to work, be a mom AND be pregnant? Praise the Lord that this time I am not puking as often, primarily just dry heaving, nauseous and so extremely tired. I know the exhaustion is the side effect of the medicine, but man sometimes my body just feels weak. But back to yesterday… all day I was nauseous… I felt like I ate a ton just to keep myself somewhat functioning and I threw up some of my fresh strawberries (gross). But it was the getting home part that was hard. I was home, trying to rest and great… I had to make dinner… something for Alfie and Colton and something different for myself. They were having pasta with red sauce that a dear friend brought over, but the heartburn from pizza (ie. The red sauce) kept me from enjoying it too. So I made plain noodles with chicken and broccoli for me…dinner of champions. The majority of the time Colton is asking to be picked up or wanting my attention and Alfie is …voting. And since he was voting and the polls swamped he asked me to warm up the sauce… sure cause lying on the couch hoping dinner would magically appear was clearly not an option. Thankfully he cleaned up the dishes and put everything away but I don’t think anyone understands how hard it is for me to not be helping out. To know that that burden will fall on Alfie. How difficult it is to watch Colton ask for me to play and for me to want the energy to sit and do a puzzle….its hard.

11/21 to 11/26(today) – Worst thanksgiving ever. I was able to eat but afterwards felt so sick. But lets back up. Wednesday was bad. Leigh was supposed to watch Colton that afternoon but wasn’t able to make it out and what a day for that to happen. I was in no shape to watch my own child. My body was shot, it is always shot, and I am not sure why. Anyways, luckily Susan was able to come over and really really helped out by taking care of Colty for me. That night was bad. I should have gone to the hospital, I know it. I know I needed fluids, but at 7pm we would have been in the ER for hours and what a toll that is on everyone, I just couldn’t do that to them so I sucked it up and went to bed early. Thanksgiving day was not much better. I woke up feeling gross. But we made it to moms. Unfortunately that’s as far as we got. We never made it out to the LoMags (I felt so guilty). What people don’t understand is a 10 min car ride is tough. A 20 min car ride is rough. And a 30 min car ride is torture. I can’t physically do that…on a good day. Now on a bad day, there is no way in hell I am subjecting myself to that.

It’s hard. I feel so guilty, like everything is my fault – Alfie being tired, Colton acting out, it’s all my fault. I can’t do anything. I read the other day that people use FMLA for their morning sickness and for a few minutes was hopeful until I remembered it is unpaid. We can’t do unpaid. I also feel like no one believes me. Like this is just me not being able to hack it. I read over and over information about HG to find some sort of solace that I am not crazy, that this is really happening to me, that this is not a joke or a figment of my imagination. And then there are the nurses who same thing, just chalk it up to pregnancy. But I’m sorry, when I can’t function, this is more than just morning sickness, I can barely take care of myself, let alone my home or my family.

It’s tough. I lie in bed at night and just feel so not myself. I don’t feel happy, I feel sad. I don’t feel excited I feel anxious. When will this end? How will it end? Will the baby be healthy? Am I doing more harm than good? There are so many scary thoughts and so many anxieties from last time. I didn’t think it stayed with me, I thought I had successfully moved on. But when little things cause big reactions or bigger fears, I know I haven’t gotten over last time. I think what the worst is, is that nobody really understands. I wish upon wish that people talked about this. That the doctors discussed it, that they told you about it and about how to treat it, that it wasn’t just morning sickness that they really were proactive for me. Many “survivors” of HG have PTSD. I don’t think I have that, but I for sure have lingering side effects. I get nervous and anxious a lot. “How will this sit in my stomach? Will this make me throw up? How bad will it feel coming back up? Do I want to throw this up? I better not eat it.” And that thought process is for every single thing I consider eating, that I see, or that I decide to eat. It is a similar thing for drinking. “Is this too fizzy? Will I burp and then gag? How will it sit? Does it have too much acid in it? Is it going to stay down?” It leaves me with a lot of anxiety… a lot of actual fear… a lot of sadness. Because the irony in this is I am hungry, so very hungry and so very thirsty, like living in the desert kind of thirsty. But the anxiety, the fear, the throwing up and nausea, both past and present make it hard to choose food and beverage every time, over playing it safe and not eating or drinking.

Apparently I am strong. Apparently I can endure. I have a hard time believing that but a wonderful mother who reminds me over and over when I feel I can’t do it, she reminds me. When I just want to be a defeated mess, she reminds me over and over. I need that. With Colton my lifeline was “Blessed be your name” and a recent favorite this year is “Hosanna: Praise is rising”. Both were sung on Sunday during worship and I made it through the first but couldn’t hold back the tears on the second. It was like those songs were just for me, just for my heart and just to remind me that God was in my past as he is in my present. My mind tells me I can’t do this but deep in my heart I know I have to. For me, for Alfie for Colton and for this precious life. I HAVE to be okay I HAVE to force myself when I don’t want to. Because that’s what we do, for our babies. We endure the hurt and the hardships so that they don’t have to. So that they can live pain free, hurt free and healthy. And so as with Colton, dear baby, this is my first gift to you. I WILL endure this. I WILL fight through. For you, for your tiny life that is knitted together in my womb by our loving heavenly Father. I will do this for you. Because I love you already. Because you are special to your mommy already.