Mommy Dearest...

Confession: Being a step mom is tricky.

Did I mention I have been married for 5 years and have yet to meet my step daughter? Again Cray cray! Much of that is due to the fact that she lives out of state with her mother and well, we live here. And while Alfie goes out to visit her usually every year around her birthday, it is that difficult road to travel  between desire to really want to meet her, and the worry that me (new wife) being around ex wife, would in some way make his time with his daughter harder, trickier, more torturous. For what? All so I can have an opportunity? I never thought it was fair, and I never wanted to ruin that small window of time, just for my wants. He deserves to have that time be as perfect as possible, even if it means I go another year without meeting her, or if it means I have to cringe and deal with the expenses that come with the territory. That’s what we do, right?

There are many things I wish more people talked about, and being a step parent is one of them. Especially one with a straining relationship between the hubby’s ex and himself. And then here I am, the “new wife” tossed in the mix. Unsure of whether to be fully involved, to mind my own business, to be half involved and half not involved, I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t often, okay rarely ever, have a sounding board of friends or aquaintences with whom I can bounce questions off of or ask for advice from the perspective of having an additional child fit into the mix. And for these past 5 years, it really hasn’t been an issue. Much of our situation was almost “out of sight, out of mind” due to the fact that Alfie’s daughter didn’t live here, had yet to visit, and had a parent who was unwilling to allow certain things. Until now. Circumstances have changed and we are working through new parental responsibilities and roles, definite changes to current visitation privileges, and possible custody changes. All during which we are taking care of a 2 year old, working and oh yeah, expecting a baby. And much of it feels like sailing through uncharted waters at the mercy of out of state lawyers and with involvement of ex-inlaws. And while this is a HUGE answer to many, many, many (like 10 years worth of) prayers, it is still really stressful and often makes me wonder, “Okay, God, whatcha doing here”? Not in doubting his plan, but in the “why now?”, “What are you planning here, Lord?” It’s that exciting anticipation of what He is going to do, along with that fearful anxiousness of having absolutely no idea how things are going to play out, how long it is going to take, or what that means for our small family. However, there have been definite moments of “God things” that remind me that He is sooo allllll over this entire situation. One of the “God things” that im like, “yep, that was totally You!” is our home. We bought our house in Webster 2 years ago, and never really thought about the number of bedrooms we would need. Most houses in our price range had 3 rooms, almost none had 4 and even fewer had 4 with more than 1 bathroom (more than 1 bathroom was a MUST for me). And then we found our current house. 4 bedrooms, and more than 1 full bathroom! Little did we know, that we would need the 4^th room as more that a craft room or guest room. Little did we know that it would be important and an ease to the mind to not have to figure out how we would make a special space for an 11 year old, while also having to plan for a nursery! Little did we know it would be important in our home study to have a specific bedroom arrangement for her. I know I would for sure be freaking out more so than I am now… (I’m a worrier, what can I say…). And the crazy part is that this has all primarily happened since Christmas! There has been lots of paperwork filled out, a few court “phone appearances”, many sleepless nights and much excitement of what could be coming. We are currently prepping for a home inspection, in which we didn’t get much advanced notice (for a planner like myself, that is very very nerve wracking) and which would determine how long of visits Alfie’s daughter would be able to have. I have no doubt we will pass with flying colors, but the whole unknown factor to it and the desire to put ours and our homes best foot forward, does put me on edge. So here’s hoping everything tomorrow goes well! And well, I guess, more to come in the next 2 months! Oye!