I choose sharting....

Confession: I'd choose sharting! over what you ask? well actually if you have to ask then you havent read through my blog...shame on you. But i would choose to shart over the kind of sick i have been feeling. Yes thats right I would choose to shart once a week and then the remaining time have vomiting of the anus (aka diarrhea). Is that crazy? Maybe.Probably.... buttttt i feel 100% sure that i would rather have a raw bum hole than the nausea and vomiting that i have daily. Plus if you think about it, peoples reactions to chronic diarrhea are MUCH different than their reaction to vomit. I mean you tell people you threw up and its "ohh that sucks, wanna come hang out?" (as if duh you throw up and feel awesome after it....fools) while if you tell people you are peeing your poo out your booty they practically BEG you to stay home so that A. you don't rankify their bathroom and home and B. so that you don't risk poo-ing all over yourself in their vacinity. How often do you even hear of people going to the hospital for severe dehydration due to chronic diarrhea? I certainly haven't!! The only downside is the clean up. Sharting leads itself to a very messy clean up everytime, involving a shower and laundry. BUT with the claim of sharting once a week, with diarrhea the remaining time, one can assume that the all other times would be safely on the toilet. Meaning that that ONE messy clean up wouldnt be that bad.... much better than getting vomit splashed back into your face and on your clothes from hitting the water in the toilet (yeah been there done that, multiple times) PLUS you could wear a diaper if so desired, there is no vomit version to that...other than maybe carrying a barf bucket, which isnt exactly the same. You can poo yourself and be chatting with someone and they wouldnt even know. You can't really be talking to someone and blow chunks into a bucket and not expect them to notice that!!

At any rate, i stick with my decision snd firmly choose sharting!

1st Trimester... They don't tell you it can be awful...

Part 3:

April 16th
Just got a call from the drs and apparently my white blood cell count is higher than normal. Mine is 13 and normal is 11. She did not seem worried just thought that I could be fighting an infection, flu or virus. At this point I am numb. I just feel numb. Its like ok, this is what I have to deal with. This is my life now and who knows how long it will last but this is it. I hate that it has changed me. I feel for the most part like I am just shuffling by as the rest of the world is moving around me. Not sure if its depression, but its just numb. I don’t have the energy to be angry although in my innermost core I know I am. That and sad. But what good will tears and rage do? Only make me gag or vomit more. I guess the more accurate word would be defeated. Completely defeated. Not sure what to even think anymore. All I can say is oh well…..

April 19th
My emotional rollercoaster is beginning to make its self noticeable on my physical. Backaches and headaches. I am so stressed about how I feel and when I will begin to feel better. I no longer feel like myself. Its sad. I have been feeling so anxious all the time. Food makes me nervous. Weird I know but I get nervous that something I eat is going to make me throw up. I hate feeling nauseous. It feels like riding a spinny ride over and over and over and when you get off you feel dizzy like you are going to barf… and that’s all day long, not just here and there. I wish I had known it could be this bad…. I wish I had known. I have gotten less angry but I am still waiting for the joy and excitement to come. Its been so bad that I hate when people ask “are you excited”. Well yeah I would be if I wasn’t heaving everying I ate into the toilet and if I wasn’t feeling like my head is spinning and if I was exhausted (yes I know pregnancy makes you tired but my meds side effects is extra fatigue so BAM tired times 2) and if I wasn’t a recluse stuck in my house all weekend unable to do ANYTHING or see anyone, then yeah I would be ecstatic. But for now I have to settle on ok. Just ok. And I am sure that makes me a bad person but for now its really about all I can muster. I want to be happy when I see little babies but these days they are just over whelming. Sunday I stayed home from church because I need all the rest I can get. But I always watch online at the Fathers House. And this weeks message had my name stamped all over it. It was about going through trials and how to respond and that going through these trials give us a chance to build a foundation in the Lord in prayer, in scripture reading, in crying out to Him etc so that when we get that desire of our heart (ie making it through the trial) we have grown a tree of life in the things of God. He encouraged me to live out this trial so that while it may feel like the hardest thing we go through, when we look back that it might be a “bruising of our heel, but a crushing on the head of Satan” because of how strong we grew in Christ. I listened to that sermon and just cried. Part of me in pity over how I felt, part of me angry at God, and the other part defeated. Its still hard to think about this whole journey to date and not get sad, frusterated or defeated with how I feel physically and emotionally and at times spiritually. And sometimes I want to shake my fist at heaven and yell “this is supposed to be the best experience ever but its not, why????!!!” I can honestly say there have been times when I , between sobs, CRIED out to God begging for this cup to be taken from me. Begging him to feel better. There were times when not only I worried about my mental health (ie depression) but my mom worried about it too. I felt so alone, no friends called, no one stopped by, nothing. The most I would get would be “tell kimi we said hi and hope she feels better” once a week when alfie saw some friends. And I get people have lives and stuff but I was really struggling and feeling alone made it so much worse. There would be days when I would go sit in the bathroom stall at work and just cry, because there was nothing else I could do, and nobody understood.
Really, I don’t write this to be pitied. I write this because im not the person who is going to talk your ear off about this pregnancy. Sure I will tell it has been awful, but details are really tough to get through without crying. The emotional wounds are still pretty raw. My mind is ready to feel better but my body is not there and that is so so so tough. I write this so that when you wonder why im not over the moon yet, you know how hard this has been. And I know there will be those people who will say it was all mental and I am just being a wimp and to suck it up and to those people I happily say…Screw You… because you don’t get it.

1st Trimester... They don't tell you it can be awful

Part 2:
April 6th
Today I am just defeated. Im mad, im angry im pissed off. Im mad at people who didn’t have to go through this. Im mad at alfie for not having to feel this way. Im mad at feeling so sick and tired. I hate that I cant do anything. I cant even take a poop. Everything is a massive ordeal. I have zero desire to be happy and zero desire to do anything. I look forward to going home so I don’t have to fake being ok like I do at work. I wish people understood. Anyone understood. I just want me back. I don’t want this anymore. I thought this is supposed to be the greatest time in your life. I hate the people who say “I loved being pregnant” well you know what, I wish this on you. I hope that next time you are so sick you cant get out of bed. That you lay there and think, “God, is this what Kimi went through?” Im not hungry, I don’t want to eat, but I force myself to eat because the consequence is vomiting and nausea. You try eating when you have no desire to and when you aren’t the least bit hungry. Its not fun to force feed yourself. I just wish this was different. If I could lay in bed everyday all day I probably would. Im even tired of the couch. Im just going to hole up in my bed and cry.

Today is just bad. I am so angry. So angry. I want people to feel how I feel both physically and emotionally.

April 9th
Today I am tired but at the same time numb. When its me alone with my thoughts its just nothing. No joy , no happiness, no excitement. Just quiet and numb. Im so tired of feeling this way. Is it just me? Am I crazy? Was it not this bad for everyone? And if not then why do I need to go through this. I think about the other friends of mine who are pregnant or had a baby and I get so frusterated because I want to be ok. I want to enjoy this but I cant. I get so down…so down. Man I am tired today. I guess I did too much yesterday. One of the most frusterating parts is that I am not hungry. Not at all. But I have to keep eating so that I don’t feel nauseaous. But how do you eat when nothing sounds good and you aren’t even hungry?

April 14th
So I met someone…not in the way you think. I finally reached out for help on the HG site (Hypermesis Gravidarum - which was the ER diagnosis). And I found someone in Webster who has been through this. She had it far worse. She had to have a Picc line put in and everything, she even had to quit her job at 8 weeks because it was so bad. I wish I could do that. Today started out ok, but the long days wear on you. Im exhausted and my body actually aches today. My shoulders feel so tense and tight and my head feels super heavy. My stomach is growling but I have zero desire to eat. The thought alone makes me want to gag. I still feel alone often and still feel so drained and empty. Im not myself anymore. I feel like im being taken from the inside out. This is just so much more than I thought it would be.I weighted myself yesterday and was down 8 lbs, 9lbs if you count when I weighted myself in the middle of the night. Im just so tired of feeling like this.

Part 3

1st Trimester...They don't tell you it can be awful...

Confession: I have had a very tough pregnancy so far. From initially finding out and the drs thinking it was ectopic to being severely sick with vomiting and nausea to being in the ER to intense sadness and depression over feeling so sick. Midway through this ordeal i needed an outlet, i needed to write. And i did, honestly, openly, angrily, and sadly. So here they are, words and feelings from some tough times.I will separate into multiple posts... Don't hate, don't judge just pray :) .....

Part 1: April 5th
I have felt so sick. Right now I am 10 weeks and feel tolerable. The MS started promptly at 6wks. And it hit me like a truck. I started off just dry heaving every morning and then gradually moved to full on throwing up. It was tough to make it into work and all I did was cry at how awful I felt. I was resentful that none of my friends had to go through this. I was missing work and the mere thought of eating turned my stomach. That’s when the real fun began. I finally called the doctor and he put me on the generic version of phenergan, but because I couldn’t keep things down I couldn’t tolerate swallowing pills because of the large amount of fluids inorder to do so. So the prescribed suppositories. I would take them religiously ever 4-6hrs even throughout the day at work. Its just awful and you feel so discusting pushing meds into your bum. But although it worked, it knocked me out for a good 2-3hrs and when I woke I felt so fuzzy and out of it. It was even worse if I tried to fight the sleep, which is what I would have to do for work. I constantly felt out of it like I couldn’t focus and couldn’t work. Meanwhile I was still having trouble eating and drinking. My body just turned nauseous at the thought of food and even fluids grossed me out. I finally called the dr again and asked for something else, I couldn’t stay awake and the meds were making me unable to function at work. They offered to half the dosage and see if it helped. Unfortunately that day I called was a bad day. I threw up 3 times before work, and another 2 times at work all before 11. I finally had to tell my supervisor and was sick again in the bathroom right after. Needless to say I went home. Promptly threw up when I got there. Had food…threw up, drank, threw up and the cycle went on. They had called my half dose meds and I picked them up at 3 and took them. They did nothing. I tried eating dinner that night and nothing stayed down. I was getting weaker and weaker with each vomit. My body was shot and I remember just crying and feeling awful. I took a second dose at 10 and went to bed. As I laid in bed I knew something was wrong. I knew it just didn’t feel right. My body was not supposed to feel like this. I called mom and asked her how I knew it was time to go to the hospital. She said you need to call the obgyn emergency line. So I called and told them my symptoms (I was 7weeks….March 18th) and they said I need to go the emergency room. So at 10pm alfie and I went and called mom on the way. Her and dad met us there. Praise the Lord it was a slow night there and I was able to get in to be seen quickly. They gave me 2.5-3 bags of IV and then something to eat and by 4am we were on our way home. Friday I stayed home from work and rested the remainder of the weekend. I wouldn’t say I felt great but I felt hydrated atleast. But come Monday I began to lag again and the vomiting returned. Mon, Tues and again on Wed I felt like I was starting to relapse back to where I would end up in the hospital again. I called the dr, feeling like I was beginning to sound like a broken record and asked for something to help with the vomiting. They finally prescribed Zofran, which is usually prescribed to chemo/radiation patients for their nausea. I took it and within 30mins I could notice a difference. I was able to keep food down and fluids and I was less nauseous. Took that for 10days and was supposed to go off and try it without meds for a day or so and then call for a refill if the vomiting returned. Well I didn’t let myself take that chance. I just called and asked for a refill and they gave it to me (ofcourse I had to pretend that I went off of it for a day or so). But in an effort to be true to the process I attempted to ween myself from 2 pills to 1. It seemed to work ok on Friday and Saturday, although by evening Saturday I needed to take it as I started to feel sick again. And same with Sunday. That brings us to today, Monday April 5th. The day started out rocky,I don’t know if I was overly tired or just dreading work and the inablility to rest all day. Either way, I felt nauseous as a I got up, but I forced myself to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast. When I got to work I had some craisins, half a bagel and then some goya cookies. Then it was time for lunch. By then I didn’t feel great but knew I had to eat something or I would feel worse, so I had a breaded chicken sandwich. It didn’t look greasy and I figured chicken with bread is probably a safe bet. FALSE. I ate it and by 1 had thrown everything up. And I mean everything. I nursed a yogurt after and am now sipping an ensure in hopes that they will stay down.
People don’t tell you about this side of pregnancy. They don’t tell you how hurt you feel or how people look at you like you are just a wimp and need to suck it up. They don’t tell you that every trick in the book doesn’t even touch your vomiting or nausea. Or that if you don’t have the luxery of staying home and resting then you are screwed. I wish people understood. I wish friends got it. I wish they really knew what it was like to feel so sick that you cant even think about having a baby or that joy. That all you think about is what can I eat that wont make me throw up, or how long until I can lay down. They don’t tell you that you get so angry that you cant do anything about it. That the simple act of taking a shower completely drains you. That you will eat then throw up and drink then throw up and all you can do it cry while you cool off by laying on the bathroom floor. Or that when no ones around you crawl from the bathroom to the couch because standing is too much work. No people don’t tell you that part. They don’t say that you get depressed. That you get so sad because you worry what if you cant bond with this baby because of how sick you feel. That you want to physically hurt people who tell you try eating small meals, as if that will help. That you don’t hang out with friends because you are too tired to move and to embarrassed to have people see the mess you and your house has become. That every waking moment you pray for relief. Yeah, they don’t tell you that… So I will. Ill tell you that it has been hell. That the only way to describe it is to have food poisoning + a horrible hangover all day 24hrs. I’ll tell you that I will seriously consider this as our only child. I will tell you that you can’t even think past the next hour. I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, yet sadly I do wish someone I knew felt like this, so I wouldn’t feel alone. Nope no one tells you this is the worst sick you have ever been in your entire life. They just look at you with those sad eyes and you just want to scream. That you just want to rip out your uterus and forgo the chance of having kids… that you actually tell your sister to adopt and to never get pregnant. That all you want to do is cry, breakdown and cry when people ask how you feel so that maybe through those tears they would get it. You lose weight from all the vomiting….5 or 6lbs so far. You take baths because standing for showers is too much. So you cant wash your hair unless you kneel and put your head under the spout in the bath. You cant blow dry your hair because you are so weak. I have never known what it was like to feel like you are dying but If I had to guess, id say it felt an awful lot like this.
I don’t write this for pity. I write this for understanding. So that when I say, “my morning sickness has been bad” you understand the understatement that that is. So that the next time someone else says they are having bad morning sickness, you get it and you keep your mouth shut. So that you pray, you petition, you BEG God for relief for this person.

Part 2