“You think you know, but you have no idea.”

Confession:  You never really know what’s going on inside someone else’s world.

It’s funny how something so obvious is often forgotten. You see people living the dream. 3 kids, fantastic house, great marriage, perfect job, impeccable style etc. and it’s easy to think that life for them is amazing. And while I’m sure each could go on again and again with the abundance of true blessings, each person has their struggles. (I know, its sounding like I’m gonna do a FB rant, but bear with me…) I attend craft night, with some very lovely ladies and most often we keep it light and chatty, but since we have been seeing each other every month for almost 2 years, it lends itself for some deeper discussions. And with those deeper discussions come amazement at the strength of these women. It’s one thing to deal with an ordeal, trauma, health struggles,  publicly but it’s another to deal with it personally. To have your mountain be so big that you keep it close and it resides within just a few trusted hearts. It’s those struggles that people usually don’t talk about and those struggles that make me want to be cheerleaders for these women. They are mommas, wives, professionals. They have laughter and smiles and kind words to give and share and then you find out just how big their mountains are and how they have tackled or are tackling it with such grace and composure is amazing! But sometimes within that silence, within that solitude of your mountain are mommas who ache to be heard. They ache to be understood and they are looking for the camaraderie of those going through the same thing.

So to the momma’s who….

don’t get a nap during the day after their kid was up all night…

don’t get to snuggle their babies during weekday cartoons

drop off their babies to day care

have to hear “Mommy don’t go to work” and know there’s no choice about that

don’t have a job and wonder how to put food on the table

have a house or apartment that feels too small, or old or not what they’d dreamed

have family that lives far away and they don’t get to see often

have love handles, stretch marks and a few extra pounds they can’t shed

have slept on pee stained sheets because they forgot their kids peed on them or were just too tired to care

forgo makeup or doing their hair or working out or much needed “me time” for that of their family

have aches and pains and are bed ridden or home bound or not the picture of health they once were

desperately want a child, to grow their family or begin their family

are going at life alone, without a spouse to love and support them

have loved ones with whom they aren’t speaking to

is picking up toy after toy and clothes after clothes and the house is still a wreck

is just struggling to hang in there…

to those moms, I hear you. I so very much hear you! From a mom who has more than one item on that list, I hear you. I feel you. You are not alone. Take a deep breath… you can do it. A quote that always gets me is “No mom ever said, id wished id hugged my child less” Same could be said for “No mom ever said, I wished id spent less time with my kids” But I can promise we will wish we had forgoes that homemade meal that had us pulling out our hair in turn for an hour of snuggle time or play time with our kids. A house that’s a mess  because you chose that time to accept the invitation to play from your baby that will only want to play with you for a few more years. It’s thoughts like that that help me get through it. That and knowing I’m not alone, I’m not perfect and that’s okay.  Thoughts that remind me to remind MY friends that you are doing amazing, you will reap the fruits of your labors as a mom, wife and friend, and that in the end it is so worth it. So.Very.Worth it.

 

 

Faith

I have had the below blog post written since June 22^nd 2012. It never felt like the right time for me to post it. It always felt intimate, personal, and even a bit concerning that it wouldn’t be taken the way it was intended. But recently I have read it, many times over, and keep having a sense that I should share it. My prayer is that it is the Spirit tugging and that it will be well received. I planned to save it for Faith’s birthday but thought that might be too difficult of a time.

 So to my dear friends, you three are thought of often, and Faiths life, although brief has touched my heart and my life forever. I pray this is somewhat of a blessing to you…from my heart to yours...

My blogs are usually silly. Random ramblings from me. But not today. Today it’s much more focused. It’s focused on two very special people. Two people who experienced something that they never should have to. The loss of their precious daughter Faith.

And so my heart is weary and sad. For them, not for Faith, as she gets to rest in the arms of our perfect Savior. But for the mommy and daddy who have to endure until the day they meet their Faith again. And so as their friend I hurt and cry for them. For the loss they experience. But am rejoicing in the comfort they have.  And so to them I’d like to share what their beautiful Faith has reminded me. How her beautiful life has touched mine…

Faith reminded me to trust. To Trust in my Savior, to trust in my faith, to trust in Him, even when my thoughts and heart may question “Why?”.

She has reminded me to believe that God’s plan always is sovereign.  There is something so very comforting in knowing that despite MY plans, God’s plan is always right, always for me, and always for Good. No.matter.what. I can rest in that fact. And I can believe that no matter what I go through the same God that comforts my dear friends, will comfort me. The same God who directs their steps, will direct mine.  The same Lord that is cuddling little Faith, will know my heart for things far less trivial or important and ache with me. I love that.

Faith has reminded me to surround  myself with people who will point me to the cross for all things.  It could be so easy to lose heart and lose faith and feel so alone. But with friends who will lift me to the throne of God in prayer, the comfort of that is unreal.  The comfort of knowing that I don’t even have to ask, and there would be people who would fast and intercede on another believer’s behalf is so special. What a precious thing to see the out pour of love and support between believers.

So to those very special parents. Your beautiful Faith has been such a reminder to me.  In a few short days, her life has already done so very much.  She has planted seeds of Christ’s love in so many hearts. I can only imagine what a proud mommy and daddy you must be.

Mommy Dearest...

Confession: Being a step mom is tricky.

Did I mention I have been married for 5 years and have yet to meet my step daughter? Again Cray cray! Much of that is due to the fact that she lives out of state with her mother and well, we live here. And while Alfie goes out to visit her usually every year around her birthday, it is that difficult road to travel  between desire to really want to meet her, and the worry that me (new wife) being around ex wife, would in some way make his time with his daughter harder, trickier, more torturous. For what? All so I can have an opportunity? I never thought it was fair, and I never wanted to ruin that small window of time, just for my wants. He deserves to have that time be as perfect as possible, even if it means I go another year without meeting her, or if it means I have to cringe and deal with the expenses that come with the territory. That’s what we do, right?

There are many things I wish more people talked about, and being a step parent is one of them. Especially one with a straining relationship between the hubby’s ex and himself. And then here I am, the “new wife” tossed in the mix. Unsure of whether to be fully involved, to mind my own business, to be half involved and half not involved, I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t often, okay rarely ever, have a sounding board of friends or aquaintences with whom I can bounce questions off of or ask for advice from the perspective of having an additional child fit into the mix. And for these past 5 years, it really hasn’t been an issue. Much of our situation was almost “out of sight, out of mind” due to the fact that Alfie’s daughter didn’t live here, had yet to visit, and had a parent who was unwilling to allow certain things. Until now. Circumstances have changed and we are working through new parental responsibilities and roles, definite changes to current visitation privileges, and possible custody changes. All during which we are taking care of a 2 year old, working and oh yeah, expecting a baby. And much of it feels like sailing through uncharted waters at the mercy of out of state lawyers and with involvement of ex-inlaws. And while this is a HUGE answer to many, many, many (like 10 years worth of) prayers, it is still really stressful and often makes me wonder, “Okay, God, whatcha doing here”? Not in doubting his plan, but in the “why now?”, “What are you planning here, Lord?” It’s that exciting anticipation of what He is going to do, along with that fearful anxiousness of having absolutely no idea how things are going to play out, how long it is going to take, or what that means for our small family. However, there have been definite moments of “God things” that remind me that He is sooo allllll over this entire situation. One of the “God things” that im like, “yep, that was totally You!” is our home. We bought our house in Webster 2 years ago, and never really thought about the number of bedrooms we would need. Most houses in our price range had 3 rooms, almost none had 4 and even fewer had 4 with more than 1 bathroom (more than 1 bathroom was a MUST for me). And then we found our current house. 4 bedrooms, and more than 1 full bathroom! Little did we know, that we would need the 4^th room as more that a craft room or guest room. Little did we know that it would be important and an ease to the mind to not have to figure out how we would make a special space for an 11 year old, while also having to plan for a nursery! Little did we know it would be important in our home study to have a specific bedroom arrangement for her. I know I would for sure be freaking out more so than I am now… (I’m a worrier, what can I say…). And the crazy part is that this has all primarily happened since Christmas! There has been lots of paperwork filled out, a few court “phone appearances”, many sleepless nights and much excitement of what could be coming. We are currently prepping for a home inspection, in which we didn’t get much advanced notice (for a planner like myself, that is very very nerve wracking) and which would determine how long of visits Alfie’s daughter would be able to have. I have no doubt we will pass with flying colors, but the whole unknown factor to it and the desire to put ours and our homes best foot forward, does put me on edge. So here’s hoping everything tomorrow goes well! And well, I guess, more to come in the next 2 months! Oye!

"Why so serioussss??"

SERIOUS POST! SERIOUS POST!!!


Confession: I am not a fan of serious posts (which is why I don’t do them often), BUUUT today is an exception, so read on….

So Alfie and I joined a bible study with some friends and this week was our first official week on the marriage series we are doing. And it was great!!

In all honesty I went into it kind of grumbly…. “ugghh it’s a week night”, “grrr I’m going to have to rush from work to pick up colty then eat and rush there”…. “oye its going to be a long day”. You know the typical weeknight with children issues every family deals with. But God certainly worked through my grumbling heart.

The first lesson was centered around women needing love and men needing respect and how we interpret that from our spouse and it touched on Ephesians 5:22-25 (Wives submit, husbands love your wives). Now I have heard that text a bazillion times, just like every married Christian and have always been frustrated with the concept of submitting. For me, in my head, submitting was to be weak. To blindly follow and leave the fate of myself and family in my husband’s hands, especially when it came to something I felt I could do/plan better for. But boy is it a symbol of a strong wife to fully submit to her husband, to put in his hands (and ultimately God’s) the future of herself and her family. What I often forget it to look at the rest of the verse: wives submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. I am not just told to submit and to do so with mediocre actions. I am commanded to submit to my husband in the same extent that I would to the Lord. Yikes! YOWZA! Which is again explained in verse 24: Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ so let wives be to their own husbands in everything. Oh sweet Lord…Really? In everything??? Just the thought of those 2 little words makes me want to baulk. “Well surely He doesn’t mean everything.”, “He must only be referring to little things and things Alfie is good at.” Nope, I am pretty sure “in everything” is clear to mean EV-ER-Y-THANG. And that is one GIANT pill to swallow, because I certainly do not submit well or often, let alone in everything. But I am supposed to, supposed to hand over those reigns I like to control and essentially give it to Alfie (and more importantly give it to the Lord, and trust that Alfie is doing the same).

Whiiiiiiiiiiich if you think about it is a lot!! A lot of responsibility for the head of the household. Yet this was God’s plan and I am sure in his design of man he equipped them far better to handle that responsibility than us ladies. But the cool part is verse 25: Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. WOW. When you think of that kind of love, so powerful that they would DIE for you, it’s not that hard to submit to, right? Because when you love something THAT much you can’t help but think of them in every action/ decision you make. You can’t help but to put them as such a priority. So if your husband loves you THAT much, then the submission should be rather easy, because YOU and your wellbeing are so much his purpose and goal (because he loves you so much) that he would do everything with you in mind. DING DING DING!! I GET IT I GET IT!! HELLO! Yes, this is me with a GINORMOUS light bulb going off!! LOL

And WOW that was only week 1!! CAH-RAY-ZEEEE. Great discussion (we were all there until 9:45 talking, when it’s supposed to end at 8, that’s how well it all went.) LOTS of laughter, lots of “ahh-haa” moments as you realize couples similar to yourself, lots of great stories and “examples” . Definitely looking forward to next week. :)

I wanna be....

I wanna be....

- a personal shopper
- a zumba instructor
- a hair stylist
- a business owner
- a stay at home mom
- great at my job
- a great wife
- an awesome momma
- a good friend
- a hard worker
- an empathetic listener
- a hilarious blogger
- a good secret keeper
- a fashionista
- a vegetarian
- a makeup artist
- a dreamer
- a fully devoted christian
- a person who forgives
- someone who doesnt hold grudges
- a confidant
- a domestic genius
- a skinny mini
- a runner
- a martha stewart crafter

Ever feel like you have so many things you wanna be but not enough time to pursue them?? What do you want to be??

Serious blog post...boooooo

Confession: this is me.

By reading my blog you are peeking into my thoughts and what makes me tick. Ok lets back up, and whoa we are going to get serious here for a minute (yeah i know boo and blah, but to understand my blogs your gonna have to suffer through it so deal!). I have been blogging ince 2008, when i got married and the blog was lovingly named "confesions of a newlywed" and duh, i posted about life as a new wife and adjusting. This blog went through the fun of the newly married months and then quickly into the unemployment months and the frusteration that went with it. It has seen my happy times and my not so happy times (1st and second trimester...man was i honest). And through it all i attempt to be honest and attempt to toss in a good amount of humor, cause yeah thats me. I try to stay true to me and write a fun blog, a blog i would read (because i REALLY enjoy fun blogs), and a blog that is relatable. Come on, wouldnt you wanna read about someone laughing so hard they peed?? Not that I did that! (ok, maybe once, but i was pregnant! Ok, make that twice, and both times were pregnant, so it wasnt my fault, it was technically Coltons) So thats what I aim to do. To be me, to write my thoughts, even if no one in the world reads it (but i secretly hope people do), it is more for me than anyone. So take my thoughts and opinions worth a grain of salt. And if i offend, sorry but like i said thats me, love me or hate me (try super hard to love me though)and if you are EXTRA special and do something TOTALLY worthy (like suggest a blog idea, or make a comment) i will be sure to give you a shout out (yeah i know, what is better than a shout out from Kimi?!? NOTHING!)but most of all just enjoy it :) If you read it and like it, comment (it makes me feel fuzzy when people comment), if you disagree and hate it, dont comment...lol jk, go ahead and comment too (so everyone else can hate you...lol again jk) I am making it a point to blog a lot more often and i encourage my other friend bloggers (you know who you are) to do the same!!

Ok seriousness OVER... phew, back to the fun stuff like the fact that i have a packet of Big League Chew sitting here and i am trying my hardest to resist my bubble gum obsession and eat right through it! Sorry Alf, cause that pack is definitely not mine.... and yes, its gone!

Yes, I am unemployed.

Confession: i got layed off. Yeah talk about hittin ya with a good confession. That makes up for all the crappy blogs i wrote the past few times. I found out hmmm almost 1hr and 45 mins ago. So i thought best to document this while its fresh. I wondered what its like to lose your job. It sucks. the instability the unknown future. Now i am not sad per say about working at Kodak. If i am honest, i am more than ready to go. And as i told mom, God is so faithful. I was ready to leave Kodak but He knows me so well, I wouldnt have left on my own. It would have taken hmmm a layoff ;) to move me into something new. He knows what i need and i fully am ready for a different company a more energetic company, a company with young people!! lol. So what did it feel like? Shock. I went into my bosses office before going to my desk because i had been out sick yesterday and wasnt sure how he was going to notify people so i went there first. Thank God. I couldnt have imagined having to go to my desk after that. But my boss made small talk and then i saw him reach for the manilla envelope and i knew. He was very kind and made a point of letting me know it was NOT a reflection of my work, but only of the fact that i had such few years here compared to the seniority that everone else had. I think we all knew, it was only a matter of time. And then came the tears. You just can't help it.I just kept thinking of being employeed and working for a full year and few months and now im gone. I interned, I suffered through the crap projects, i hung out and made friends. I can't help but think, "i wonder what they are thinking?" "How bad do they feel?" I know my boss felt bad, i thought he was gonna cry when i started crying. But i am optimistic (or atleast keep forcing myself to feel that way) about geting something new. I have my resume all set up and am ready to leave that stupid Kodak (:P) before they go bottoms up, which i am sure they will. So for those who read this, there are a few things i ask of you... 1. Prayer: for me, for me and alfie, for my job hunt. and 2. to keep your eyes and ears open for job possibilities. I am in Finance so anything related works for me :) Thanks guys. I am ok, and i am sure i will continue to be that way, it just currently sucks :P

Yeah I know, its been a while

Yes, its been a long while since i blogged. im ashamed, but it seems lately i have had a mighty large case of writers block. I just can't come up with anything interesting to write, let alone a good confession! But here i am stuck at work, feeling like i have the flu and thought i could scrounge up some tidbit of information. Plus if the blog sucks i can easily blame it on the fever i most likely have! It seems like after having rung in the new year i have also rung in cold season! I am generally a healthy person. College, a time when most get sick often, i got sick, hmm once maybe! Same thing in grad school. I don't ever recall getting the flu and at the worst i get sick in the winter and then i have seasonal allergies, no biggie. Well this year its been like WHAM cold city! I was sick for 2 weeks around christmas and new years and now sick again. its like what the eff?! Other than that there hasn't been too many things going on. Alfie and I usually end up watching some DVR'd episode, eating dinner then more DVR and then bed. I (thankfully) have started reading again and have a nice 5 book line up (yes 4 of which are the Twilight series).
Even though things seem to be hella slow and quiet, we do get the occasional craziness! Like next week. Alfie and I are both in Josh and Robin's Feb 7th wedding (woop day before my birthday) so that means craziness on Thursday (get the tux and try it on), Friday (rehearsal and dinner) and Saturday (wedding). OOO Confession: I LOVE doing peoples hair. It doesn't matter if its for a real event or just for something fun or just because we are all sitting around bored! And usually i have a good line up of friends who want me to do their hair for weddings they are in (cause i don't charge, but most usually give me a lil something for my time)but when it comes to doing my hair its either pay top dollar OR do it myself, so since i did it myself for christys wedding, i plan on doing it for this one. The dilema comes when its time to figure out what the heck style to do! Because the gown is very simple and elegant, i feel like i should do something sleek like a french twist or sleek down with a simple flip at the ends and clip a side up. Buuuut then part of me thinks i should do a variation of what i wore for christys wedding (all curls but kinda half up half down with the cute lil blump at the top, and i have a cute claw comb thing to put in the back. Ill prob just play around with it the morning of and see what looks good.

ok and thats the best you are gonna get with me feeling like this!

Thoughtful...

Confession: I am a crier. Most people are probably pretty surprised to know that I cry at the drop of a hat! just the other day I cried at Celebrity Rehab, and Mtv's Made (dude this really fat kid finished a triathalon...come on!!). I almost cried reading someones blog about their dad and the blessed friendship of a coworker. I cry at songs that remind me of people. I often get choked up at church when reminded of God's awesomeness or his faithfulness in my life (just now totally got choked up..lol) I cry reading books. I will cry with, for, or over someone. I hate people crying alone so there is a 90% chance that if I see someone crying I will cry. Maybe God has blessed me with empathy or maybe I just have a sensitive heart, but goodness you catch me around "that time of the month" and holy crap its just comical! I will admit though that it is very theraputic. Nothing makes you feel better when you are stressed or upset or sad like a good cry. As I was sitting here thinking about this I was reminded about a video that touches me so much that I can't help but cry too and makes me so thankful for the life I have and the love my both my heavenly Father and earthly father...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFVGdZOhlL0

This is why I blog.. this is why, this is why, this is why i blog!

So its crappy Monday yet again(i guess its not really crappy, id just rather be home sleeping than here, therefore making today crappy) and i don't really have anything intelligent to write about, but for me this blog is cathartic. Confession: I have kept a journal since highschool. Yeah crazy, cause im not a great writer. I just happen to be one of those people whose thoughts and feelings get all jumbled together and i have much better clarity when I put it out on paper(or on computer). Its funny to go back through and read my journals. I wrote them to "Journal" who in my head was a person, who would read what i wrote, and care about my feelings. I generally didn't write to myself, it was often a third person. I literally started out with" Journal," and ended with "love, Kimi." Sometimes there would be a p.s. or an update from a previous entry. If I hadn't written in a while, I would "apologize" and then update with whats been going on since then. lol silly i know. Some were upbeat and funny and some were sad and depressing. i really had a hard time with boys and my physical appearance and wondering how come nobody wanted to date me. Its pretty sad to go back through and see how much boys impacted my self worth, and how ugly I honestly felt. I read them through now and have been tempted MANY times to throw them away but part of me wants to save them for my kids (cause they probably would get a kick out of them) and then the other part of me saves them for me cause they are my memories. I wrote about my massive crush in highschool, about my crazy roommate dramas in college, about meeting boys, about meeting and getting to know alfie, about feeling happy with life and sad and angry. I even wrote a letter to my future husband, lists of what i would like to accomplish in life, a timeline (i should be taking my children to Disney world this year according to that! lol) and even doodled clothing designs (I totally had a sweater dress drawn in there from prob freshman year college and now they are in style!) You name it its in there. I enjoy the candidness of blogging/journaling and it definitely helps me from being uber emotional because I take it out in the entry instead of the person/people. So that is why I blog... because I have before just in a different form, because it helps and because its fun. It has nothing to do with who reads its (although i do love knowing people care enough about my life to peek into it) and has everything to do with MUAH! :)