I'd like to introduce you to my girls....

Confession: My boobs are out of control.

Sorry, was that too much? Oh well. Ya know that age where your filter starts to go out the window and you are all like, “TMI? Who cares! We’re all friends here, right?” Yeah I think I am there. So anyways. I have never been a small chested gal, and when pregnant, these things become ginormous 2 pound milkers. 9 times out of 10, I get dressed in my morning fog, only to make it to work and think “Oh boy, that’s a tad too much boob for the office” but at that point what’s a girl to do, other than not cross her arms so as to not enhance the bazingas. I know this girl who when pregnant, may or may not have used a food scale to weigh her gigante ladies.  She may or may not have been me. Crazy right!? Yeah yeah yeah I hear the “Whaaaaaa…quit your crying” since I know many a flatties who pray for the Boob gods to amply bless them during pregnancy. But ohhhh ladies just you wait. When those heavens part and them Tata angels touch you, you may find yourself far from joining in the Hallelujah chorus! Especially when you realize dem melons can trump eye contact and can cause distracted conversation focus! And yowza that’s just the boobs. I wont even discuss the national geographic nippage that occurs, I mean really folks its like a set of gumballs, gumdrops, your favorite hard candy, whatever. It’s ridiculous! And God forbid you encounter a cool breeze or a boob slap from a sibling (yeah thanks Christy) the sensitivity is something so unexpected! There are certain times in pregnancy that I just have to chuckle and sigh as I think "well we have reached a new low here" and last week was one of those such times… I was eating lunch, some arroz con gandules (Rice with pigeon peas) and was holding the container at my belly and spooning (who am I kidding, we all know I was shoveling it into my mouth like a heffer) portions into my mouth only to feel a grain fall into ma cleave. So I fished it out, only to then find another and another. 3 grains of rice were resting on the little shelf area between my boobs and my belly down my shirt. So there I am, at my desk, digging down my shirt for those three stupid grains of rice! Oye! Luckily I had the decency to toss them rather than eat them, cause that would be gross…right? For sure! Right, totally gross… *sigh* Welp, no one said pregnancy was glamorous, that’s for sure! And so with 10 more weeks to go, lets see just how much more mammoth these beasts can get!!

True Story: The Boob Pillow...

**Based on ACTUAL events. Names have been changed to keep people anonymous**

So a few years ago a group of my friends go together for a Christmas gathering. We had previously decided to exchanged White Elephant gifts. Awesome. Everyone did a great job bringing silly items. But the most hilarious gift was an anatomically correct bright pink pillow in the shape of Tata's. Yeah that's right! I think we guessed them to be a D or a DD. The best part was they were originally opened by Bark and Mecky who sooo DID NOT want them but got stuck with them in the end via the luck of the White Elephant process! lol And thus began the game of dropping them off at each other's home. Bark and Mecky stealthily kept the pillow hidden until they could sneak it into someone else's home and leave it to be discovered at another date by another couple. Such as a Murder Mystery party at Meve and Stegan's (they sound Swedish, ya!). Well Meve and Stegan found the Billow (haha boob pillow, that was Alfie's phrase, not mine) that had been hidden in their bedroom and then proceeded to share the billow wealth and dropped it off at Rosh and Jobin's (haha Jewish??orrr Jamaican, mon' ??) and Rosh and Jobin made sure to bring it to our house, where it sat on the floor in our room waiting to be taken to Cave and Dassie's (haha Southern friends ??? lol). And this is where it gets interesting....

Alfie and I lived next door to his sister and brother in law for a few years at 290. It was great getting to see our niece and nephews, especially in the summer when they would be out playing when we would get home from work. On this particular day Cristen and the kids stopped over (i think i was home due to morning *all the time* sickness).

Side note: Alfie and I leave stuff around. no surprise here. Especially in our room. Neither of us are masters at picking up. But we also don't have anything dir-tay that NEEDS to be tucked away, however we are good about keeping things that should be private, private. Moving on...

So of course we didn't care that the kids would go into any room as they would search for our cat Nelly. We were used to this, and often Nelly would hide under our bed. No biggie. It was not shocking that as Cristen and i stood chatting in the family room, the kids had made their way into our bedroom. Although this time they came out with THE PILLOW. OH.DEAR.LORD. I.HAVE.CORRUPTED.THE.KIDS!! THEY HAVE THE PILLOW! (which had been on the floor by the dresser waiting to be taken to Cave and Dassie's).

"What is this?" was pretty much the first thing out of their mouth. I could not believe this was happening...NO NO NO! Luckily Cristen jumped in with a "Hmm what do you think it is?" (brilliant! test out what they know and see how much damage control we need to run...perfect!! What a mom!!). Micah jumps in with a "I think they look like eyes" and proceeded to hold them up like eyes. (Okay, i can see that... one down, one to go before we are in the clear). And then Jonah pipes in with "I think they look like these" and to my horror held them to where the large D-Cup mamba jambas would naturally be. DANG IT! Right on the money! Smart lil guy! Luckily their wise mama jumped in with a "Maybe Aunt Kimi uses them to practice for the baby?".....so clever, so clever. She then proceed to usher the boys out of the house and encourage them to play outside. THANK YOU JESUS! BUTTTT not before snapping a picture and sending it to Alfie with the caption "Uncle Alfie, what are these??" haha At which point he called saying "uhhh are you at home?!?!?" haha fearful that the kids had been at our house without me. You can bet that I made sure Cristen knew the back story of how we got the pillow as a white elephant gift and that it was not some freaky sex toy her children were holding. There really would have been no coming back from something like that I'm sure.

Ohhh the Good times at 290!!

More than just a Poo-Venure

Confession: I occasionally bath with my baby.

Is that weird? My sister seems to think so. Oh well if it is. Anyways, we call it "Bath time with Mommy" and since he was a weee little lad, we would occasionally do this. I will never forget the first time, he had to have been under 3 months old (since we were still at 290) and I filled the tub nice and high with warm water and held him so he could float on his back and move his legs... HE LOVED IT! He was all smiles and a happy baby! Well, I believe our Bath time with Mommy has now come to an end. *sigh* He has noticed my lady lumps, the gals up top, my voluptuous mountains, my tatas. I always knew that with him being a baby I could get away with BTWM but once he realized he was a boy and I a girl, things would need to change. And while we are not THERE yet, we are close. So anyways, the other night I thought, hey it’s been a while since BTWM, so I grabbed Mr. Colty and headed upstairs. I grabbed my towel and a pair of clean jammies for him and headed into the bathroom. We stopped and did our traditional look-in-the-mirror-and-make-faces/smile and then proceeded to get ready for the bath. I turned on the water and pulled the plug to let the tub fill up, pushed in his toys from the edge of the tub, then proceeded to get C undressed. Usually we sit on the edge of the tub and I wait for the water to heat up and I undo his diaper then pick him up by his armpits as the diaper falls to the ground and then I set him into the tub. Such was the same, although midair I noticed a funny smell, and as I stood him up in the tub I thought to check the diaper that had fallen to the floor....dang it...POOP! and as I looked back into the tub, Colty had poop ALL over his booty. In panic mode, I tried to keep him standing so I could empty out all his toys so they wouldn’t get poo-water in them and I grabbed the shower head and hosed him off, praying the chunks would go down the drain without help *if you know what I mean*. Luckily they did and as I sprayed his little tushy and the surrounding tub, I noticed his washcloth had dropped into the water and GAG ME he had it in his mouth! I grabbed it and tossed it into the sink, to put into his laundry after the bath. Once the tub had been drained and the little Poo-monster rinsed clear of any clingers, we proceeded to enjoy our BTWM. Now one woulda thought that was my sign.... That the heavens were telling me not to get in the tub, but nope nope momma pressed on. And in I went. We played with his toys, lining them up on the edge of the tub and pushing them into the water, spraying him with the shower head and showing him how to catch that water in him mouth. It was mid bath time that I caught him looking at me, and I don't mean my eyes (try somethingsss below my eyes, but above my belly button, if ya know what I mean). Like he was LOOKING. Then with one little baby finger he reached out and poke poke poke. I chose to ignore it, and distract him with his toys, but again with the LOOKING. Another brave reach over and poke. Followed by a quick full hand grab, where if he could talk, I’m sure he'd have said "HONK HONK" ...Bath time over. Lesson learned. One could argue he takes after his daddy, but that would be WAY TMI, so we will just leave it alone. Lol
I guess I should have know this would be coming, especially since he has found his "little boy parts" and are fascinated it them. Well, I guess fascinated wouldn’t be the right word, more like a bit of shock and awe. Usually he is playing with a bath toy and looks down, and "hey what’s this" poke.poke. then moves on. (Sometimes there is an extra poke in there, but I usually redirect him if there is, ya know the whole "if you shake it more than twice you’re playin' with it" would apply in this case, but if you poke it more than twice... well, you get the idea. Oh well, the end of BTWM, the end of an era, means the beginning of having a big boy and no longer a baby (I heard sad music and saw a photo montage of the past year in my head as I wrote that, I’m not dramatic, what?).

Alrighty, well Happy Friday!

2 Scoops of vanilla

Side note: So the story goes, a family was waiting for ice cream on a lovely vacation in the mountains, when the ice cream girl turned around to take their order and WHA BAM, two scoops of vanilla flesh hit their eye line (yes folks i am talking about boobs). Now 2 extra side notes.... 1. I believe the "family" was all (or primarily) males and 2. I was not there to confirm the extent to which the "two scoops" were on display. So with that...

Confession: Me and cleavage are bosom buddies.

LOL, not really what you were expecting 'eh, but great play on words! Let me explain. I had a request (shout out to a reader..Leigh, for the post idea...HOLLA) to take on this topic, although in her defense, Im pretttttty sure she would come from the opposite view, but since its a confession, i better be honest, right? I mean, I'm pretty sure I came out of the womb with tatas larger than the average girl should have to deal with and therefore quickly became "comfortable" with "the girls". So i have no problem sporting a bit of 'vage now and again. Now the key word here folks is "bit'o " not the whole sha-bang or the "full scoops" as some people would use. If you see nip...obviously thats WAY too far. But a nice peek of the ladies isn't bad, in my book. And ofourse there are okay places and NOT so okay places to show a lil. Like church and the work place are the two obvious No-No's on where to wear this 'vage, but the mall, clubs and pretty much anywhere else is okay in my book. A lot of people wonder what the "appropriate" amount to show is. Well lucky for me, God gave me a built in cleavage moderator. Christy calls it my "naughty freckle". I have one strategically placed freckle that you can only see when i wear a low cut shirt.... go ahead look for it next time, i dare ya! JK JK JK (seriously just kidding, im gonna watch all eyes and call PERVERT if you look... don't think I wont, cause i will...i totally will!.) Anyways, i say show what you (and your husband) are comfortable with. AND keep in mind that cleavage should also really be age appropriate. (i hear you all "mmmhmmm-ing along with me) Nothing is worse than seeing a cougar at the bar with a low cut shirt, flaunting her i breast-fed-5-children-10years-ago saggers, when she definitely should not! But what if you are not a cougar, you ask?? Well then lets say it should be indirectly proportionate to your OVER 21 age (yes that's right, over 21. If you can't drink, you have no business sporting cleavage, yes i said it.) For those non mathematical folks that means the older you get the less you get to show! So you turn 21 BOOM go for it! You turn 50 BOOM cover it up. I know i know i know, im sure i am going to get a ton of people saying "but what about modesty" and "how about leaving something to the imagination" but in my defense THEY ARE BOOBS, everyone KNOWS ladies have them, its not like if we wore a solid top, they would be hidden, or its not like WOW shocker, wait? She has boobs?? So when you see a bit of them it not like they sprang out from nowhere. So ladies rock em proud if your gonna show some. Go ahead and admire the God-given assets that loads of people pay great money for, that you got natural and you got FREE :)

It's a crazyyyy world out there....

Confession: Warm weather makes people crazy!!

So anyone who knows rochester weather, knows that the second it gets warm, is the second people break out their tank tops and shorts and hoochie-wear, even though the "warm weather" i speak of is low 50's, high 40's.Although what may not be as obvious is the unveiling of the crazies along with it. Yes, thats right, with the warm weather come the crazies. Well this weekend was one of those weekends where the odd and wacky were out and about. Saturday dawned with bright and sunny 50 degree weather and seemed like a perfect day to cruise the plaza and spend some of my hard earn bonus (boo ya). So alf and i wrangled up our gear and Colton and headed out for the 1 minute drive it takes from our house to the plaza. We got there and stopped first at Target for some 'Bucks coffee (for you not in "the know" that is Starbucks), then quickly trekked to Panera for some num nums. (i know, 40 in 40 beware at Panera, but i ordered a Power sandwich no cheese for a healthy breakfast...google it, only 300 and some odd calories, not too shabby). So we get into line, me then coltons stroller and alfie bringing up the rear.

SIDENOTE:
Now, you will notice, whenever alfie and i take colton anywhere, that alfie preferes to push the stroller. Why? Well what, may i ask, is cuter than a 5 month old smiley and flirty baby?? A 5month old smiley and flirty baby with his daddy! So to make him feel like he's still got it, I let him soak in all the "aww how cutes" and let him respond to the "what a happy baby" and "how old is this lil guy".

Okay, so we are in line and deciding to order, and i am staring up at the menu when i hear "Welll hello little guy, arent you just an adorble little thing", so I turn to smile and give the kind "thank you" when i see 2 very large, very saggy and very on display boobs, coming from the cougar who is mackin it to my husband and baby in the stroller. I smiled and said thanks, chuckling at the hot mess and thinking "ill let alfie handle this one" LOL. She then leans back down toward the stroller to again talk to colton and give him his first cougar booby sighting (poor kid). She mentions something about him being a boy and that she had 6 boys and like 4 girls, cause alfie and i later commented on how tiny she was for that many kids, but in hindsight, her tatas definitely fed 10 children and then kept trying to keep a conversation with Alfie as he awkwardly kept looking for a way out. Luckily he dodged a bullet cause we were next to order so the conversation was very short lived... unlike our NEXT crazy encounter at Chipotle.

Alf and I dropped colton off at the sitters after church on sunday (i hear you chuckling christy) while we went to Pittsford Plaza and grabbed a bite at Chipotle, which was a pleasant surprise since we didnt know there was one closer than henrietta. Anyways, we put in our order (tacos for Alf, and a salad for me) while listening to the cougar (again) in front of us. This cougar was a hybrid of sorts... young from the back but old from the front... she was wearing sweatpants with uggs, a tank top with a zip up and hat but had long wavy highlighted hair. But thats not the crazy part, so we are CLEARLY in line after her and she gets her very loud self through the line and finally to cashout and makes a comment to the cashier about a stack of faux newpapers (printed by chipotle with their news on it) by saying "wait, is this real???" the cashier says no, and she goes on to talk about how she was watching some reality show (she couldnt remember which) and the owner of Chip-olt-leee (we all know its pronounced with a "lay" at the end not "lee") was on it. She went on and on and on about Chipolt-lee and this show, meanwhile alfie and I am all the food preppers are watching her nonsense conversation and WE are waiting to cashout and eat. So crazy lady in her wanna -be- a- 15- yr- old ugg boots is taking her pretty little time and making a fool out of herself. Really!!! Some people just shouldnt be allowed in public during normal functioning hours. Finally, she leaves after a good 5 minute convo with us just staring at her, trying hard not to laugh. I felt like saying "is this real life" like in David after Dentist...ya know?! People are just bizarre!! And tell me...where are all these crazies FROM?!?!